Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Feeling like I'm losing program friends

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe that you stated it correctly Andromeda --- Change is diffficult for everyone and each handles it in their own way. I would pass this by my sponsor and also ask GFs about how they feel and discuss what is going on with them.

Simply remember that you are responsible for taking care of yourself. Going to Yoga, alanon meetings, and contacting friends is part of your recovery and since you know how important each is to your new life, you will not sacrifice them or abandon yourself again .
Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone . ((Hugs))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Andromeda - I tend to get anxious over change - even good change. Of course, that can present issues for me/us as the only thing that is constant is change as we go through life.

I find that I am often the one who reaches out with others, and I've just come to accept that. I agree with Betty that it's become a part of my recovery. I used to question the value of some of my relationships based on this. And, honestly I had some in my life who only reached out when they needed/wanted something. As I've grown and changed, I've weeded out many unhealthy 'friends' but will still treat them with respect and kindness. I posted in another thread that one of my patterns before recovery was to find needy people in the hopes of 'helping' them. What I've since learned is that I tended to do this with the best of intentions, but it often kept me from looking at myself and/or taking care of myself.

Change in my life brings about a need to look at balance. I can get off-balance easily with a project or the program and when I look at my day each evening, I consider balance - did I work some, play some, pray some and take care of me? Did I act selfishly or self-lessly?

Be gentle with yourself and in my experience, my real friends who are also seeking serenity are there no matter what interval of time has passed. We pick up where we left off and act as if we've not had a break in dialogue/activities. It's 100% ok to shift your time around - I am assuming your BF is also a great friend - so time spent or invested with him sounds like win/win to me! Not all of my closest friends are in the program and that's perfect for my recovery. It gives me a different set of folks to 'practice these principals in all my affairs with'....

(((Hugs))) - you are wearing it well and you are great as you are!!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone. My sponsor and I had a bit of a disagreement last night, too, so I think she took something personally after I got defensive. Basically, I think it was a miscommunication but I know she's lost 2 sponsees recently because of misunderstandings. My sponsor is a double winner and a wonderful woman but she is working her own program, as well, and usually I take what she says with a grain of salt and do my best to process it before I respond back if I feel that I am getting defensive.

Anyway, I feel like I'm falling away from program and I realize now that about 75% of my friends come from program. I have a few tennis mom friends but I've lost touch with all the homeschool moms I used to spend time with since I went back to work. I know that friends will come and go from my life but somedays I really miss my single life and getting together with girlfriends more. Although, some of them have moved on with men and blended families and travel for work, etc.

Yet, on the other hand, I love my life today with my new blended family life. My priorities have shifted and now the kids want me home and taking them to hike or play tennis and I wind up skipping a meeting here and there or I miss out on a girl's night out because my boyfriend's family was having a family dinner or whatever. I feel a part of his family and since I have no family here in town, it's something special for me to go to these things. I miss family, but I also miss my friends. ARGH......I can see how change brings about good things but can also mean adjustments and shifting and I think I'm just getting uncomfortable with it all right now.

Katsfree · Veteran Member

I can absolutely relate andromeda,

I have found for me when in a similar situation that my mind likes to tell my heart things, and deep down it is a fear. I have to remember they are just feelings. While it is important to feel them, I dont have to let them control my actions or reactions. Open minds and communication help me see the different angles of change, when I speak to those close to me it allows me to have an intimate relationship with my family and friends, when I invite my HP to guide me I allow myself to be open to guidance and not force solutions based on my fears.

Sometimes just sharing these fears and not being a secret about them lets me see a different light, and answers come....

Have a fantastic day!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Good subject Bonnie thank you for bringing
It up, recovery, friendships And divorce are
all jumbled up in my life.

I am having to find new and different ways
To all my friendships. I have gone thru many
New friends that i have made in recovery.

Most of my friends were people that loved
And cared about me. Now in recovery i am
Meeting people that really do not fit that bill.

Its sort of a casual relationship not a deep
one, Like a work relationships. Yeah you care
Yet if your job changes You only see them out
and about.

I am struggling so much to do with my divorce and
My place in life. New town where there are things
To do. I was very use to my old lifestyle knew where
I belonged and felt good about it. I Lived in a very
Small town for thirty years many his relatives.

I started Going to church thats been a great fellowship
for me. I go off here and there with friends yet most
Have a partner so i am the odd man out. I will find my
Way.

I still have so much healing, changing, growing and
detaching Yet to do. I get so confused many days. I
have faith and trust In my HP. My being or personality
has not changed much Its my perceptions and deeper
Understandings of life that have.

((((( bonnie ))))

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I talked to another program friend yesterday AM and she was able to relate and make me realize that what I'm feeling is normal. I know I don't have all the answers today but I am so grateful for the life I live today, even when I feel so alone.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can totally relate and have lost many friends since leaving my exAH and moving 2 hours away. I however have kept a couple friends who understand life on life's terms. I live my life for me and my kids, I haven't had a lot of time for friends with raising kids, going to school full time and now I will be moving again in June. The boyfriend and I have been house shopping down by him for the last month. Now that I am done with school and found a good job by him, I am just waiting for my oldest to graduate high school and it seems to be flowing nicely. I have lost my sponsor and although her husband is my new sponsor it will never be the same for me. I have transitioned to just a couple people who have my back as I have theirs. I believe some come for a season and some stay for a life time and I no longer try to force the latter on all my friends. My circle has gotten smaller the last few years with a busy life, but I do plan on working on it again once I get settled into my next season. My boyfriend also goes fishing with a guy from work like twice a Summer other than that we hang out with my friends occasionally, but aren't the most social. I am hoping to change these things once we get established in our new area. It is hard to make time with girlfriends and not feel selfish, so good for you for making time for you and them! Sending you love and support on your journey!

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

"Some come for a season, some stay for a lifetime". Loved this BF, thanks.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I love what bf shared! Sometimes I forget to admit that it's actually OK. I am going to be starting a new chapter (a new season) of my life and it scares me because I liked the way things were. I have insecurities that I need to address within myself. I have expectations that I need to let go of and just learn to enjoy 'what is' and be grateful for what I do have.

Thanks everyone for contributing to this thread!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Andromeda ..

I think you know the people who will be temporary friends and then the ones who are lifetime friends. Temporary friends are not a bad deal. Sometimes I am surprised because someone I thought was a long term friend turned out to be someone who was only going to be there for a short time. I really thought my XMIL and I would be friends for life .. turns out based upon something my sponsor said to me that there are some people who can't be friends because it's just not about them anymore. That's where I am kind of with where my relationship went with her and I did choose not to contact her.

I DO think women are a lot more guilty of putting their female relationships on hold over other relationships. I know I sure did and when I realized I was probably going to have to do the work not constantly just it was going to take more effort on my part, based upon the relationship I'm ok with that.

Relationships all evolve though and become the effort I put into them, someone who truly doesn't want to spend time with me regardless if it is a romantic relationship or friendship is going to let me know by their actions.

Hugs S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene