Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Mcgreuder · Member

Binge Drinking Husband

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jessica Alcoholism is a progressive chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. It is a self diagnosed illness so that if you partner's drinking is bothering you it is recommended that you search out a recovery group to recover from the affects of living in this insanity.

Alanon is a great recovery group for family members. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages . It is here I learned that I was powerless over the disease so that i needed to focus on myself and learn new tools to live by.

You are not alone.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jessica,

around 45, my wife started drinking quite a bit. Nothing that really worried me, but I didn't really know to be worried. She has history of alcoholism in her family, but not in mine, so i didn't really think too much about it. She wasn't getting so bad she wasn't functional.

Then came a few parties where she got out of control. She claimed not to have drank that much, but she was close to passing out both times. She may not have even thought she drank that much. Then weirder and weirder behavior as time went on. Finally a few years later, we went to Hawaii, and I would see hers sneaking to the bar and get extra drinks, fell over in front of a pool party from being drunk. She had pneumonia after that, and contracted mononucleosis. The mono hung around a long time, became a chronic fatigue syndrome. She would have many evenings where she fell asleep right after dinner, she was so tired and fatigued. or so I was led to believe, and chose toe believe. Finally, just after she had gotten totally trashed at a labor day picnic, where again she claimed she couldn't have drank that much, she had a seizure. The scariest thing that's ever happened to her, to me, and to my 11 year old son who was right there.

She finally went in to rehab a couple of weeks later. There is much more to the story, but you can see that my experience, and the experience that the AMA has, is that alcoholism is a progressive disease - it doesn't get better, not without a dedicated program of recovery.

I had my part in it too. She was fighting severe depression by self-medicating, and I was letting it go on, not understanding it and living in denial that it could be alcoholism because,, of course, my wife being an extension of me, she was perfect.

I finally went to Al Anon after her second stint in rehab, and two DUIs. I found out how alcoholism works, and I found out how I interact with her. Hint, not very well. Knew it already, but couldn't figure it out, even with lots of couples therapy, until I hit the rooms of Al Anon.

I wish I would have done that earlier. I hope you can take advantage of a face to face meeting, and that you keep coming back here and reading and writing about your experience. You can gain a lot of wisdom from many of the people here, and we can get some back from you, believe it or not.

As Betty said, you are not alone.

Kenny

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the beautiful things about al-anon is, we don't need to work out if other people are alcoholics, or problem drinkers, or if they will get worse or better or any of it. We can release ourselves from that burden and focus on the simple fact that we are suffering in some way due to someone else's drinking/drinking related behaviour and, we want to stop suffering.

Al-anon is great because rather than advise you about how to deal with your husband (although I'm sure you'll find some of that too), it can give you the tools to care for and listen to yourself until decision making becomes simple and you find you have a lot of clarity and simplicity around situations that previously seemed confusing and impossible (such as how to "handle" the drunk person and all of the problems that go along with them). That's how it has worked for me anyway.

I hope you'll give it a chance. Have you considered attending meetings? That's a great place to start.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Jessica - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.

I too would recommend you try and attend Al-Anon meetings. I learned so much about alcoholism and how it affects others through the program as well as different ways of thinking, acting, coping and being.

You are not alone and the fellowship gives you many who fully understand and will listen without judgement. We share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other to grow healthier together.

Keep coming back! (((Hugs)))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

He sounds like an alcoholic. I think I know what you mean about 'full-blown' I do believe the person themselves can call it alcoholism and until they do its likely to be denial they are in. Im sorry your going through this. My ex was never emotionally available to me or our children. Its the nature of this disease. I also became emotionally unavailable for out children, the sicker I got. Alcoholism is catching. The whole family get sicker and sicker. I suggest Alanon meetings, readings get the help for you and your family.

Katsfree · Veteran Member

Welcome Jessica,

I had a few people whose drinking was affecting me... I am glad there is a program like Al Anon for us to come and learn, heal... We have similar stories, my H drank the same way... that weekend warrior but never without. It made me feel sad, lonely, angry, like a single mom! I was trying my best to get a handle on his drinking, but my bag of tricks were getting slim and everything I tried did not work... Cooking heavy meals to sober him up, counting the cans/bottles, hiding them, begging him to not drink today, begging him to just have a few.... it got me to a place where I didnt want to do life anymore, I did not want to exist. I was so entangled with his drinking I forgot there was a life to live that was mine! If I were on my death bed it would have not been my life to flash before me, but my husbands....

Thankfully I found this program and it has taught me a new way of thinking and living, for me! I am glad you found us... I am sure you will find your answers in this program, keep coming back!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Jessica and again welcome to the MIP Family. I love Katsfree share with you because it brought back a saying I also hear when I got into program...The spouse of an alcoholic dying and the life of the alcoholic flashing before their eyes. That's a sick thought and yet for me a true one because I spent more time inside of my own alcoholic/addicts life than my own. Rather than just laugh at the saying back then I got serious about it and then joined Al-Anon and separated from my spouse to get the influence out. It took me much trying; failures and successes before I got it and was able to own and manage my own life again. Mahalo (thanks) Al-Anon...then and now. Did I love her? I thought I did until I found out I needed her more. When I stopped needing her I started loving her. Alcoholism gives us 3 choice...Insanity....sobriety or serenity or death...yes often times it is a fatal disease which will kill the drinker or non-drinker. I have seen that happen way to often in my recovery...it would be nice to not see it ever again. Keep coming back and check out the twice daily on line meetings we have too. (((((hugs))))) smile

jocelgp · Senior Member

Hi Jessica,

Welcome to Al-anon. I feel for you because my husband is also a binge drinker. I was really terribly affected by his drinking, to the point of desperation, I came to Al-anon having in mind that I needed support in case we will get separated. I still am affected because my husband would deny that he has a drinking problem, he would say that I am the one with the problem because I'm too stringent. Alcoholism is a disease associated with denial. I'm married for 20 years now, without children, and life was not really easy. Al-anon was a big help in understanding my situation and in coping with it. Find a meeting, read literatures, research. I'm a lone member as there's no f2f in my place but I made do with whatever Al-anon resources that comes my way. Pray, and as they say keep coming back.

Hugs,
Jocel

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jessica,

Welcome you will find welcome relief you are not alone. My XAH is a binger. It is interesting because he wound up getting worse during times of increased responsibility, usually while I was pregnant and during major life events. The key thing is that alcoholism is a progressive disease so it gets worse not better. I equate it to being the rhinoceros in the room that is used as the coffee table.

One frustrating thing you will find in alanon is that no one has the magic answer to make the alcoholic stop drinking or behave better.

It certainly saved my life because my XAH is not my only qualifier. I realized that I had been picking badly my whole limited relationship experience. I was miserable out of the gate in relationships. It was my behavior and it gave me an opportunity to grow up. Sort of .. LOL. At least it helped me with personal responsibility in terms of being responsible for my own happiness, my own decisions (as a codie it is so easy to not make a decision and I learned that was also a decision).

I found such relief in realizing that I had choices that I didn't think I had .. regardless if my XAH was drinking or not. I did not have the happy story of we stayed together for me to much water had passed under the bridge and I am way ok with that. I have found peace. I found me. I remembered who I was before I allowed all of the insanity to derail/side track me into it becoming all about him and poor me.

Hugs, S :)

Mcgreuder · Member

Thanks to all of you. I sense peace and clarity from each one of you. I sense not only that you have been in the trenches with this, but that you have wisdom and a sense of serenity from the experiences and the wisdom you gained. Tonight, my husband walked in the door and said he was having a beer. He's in the medical profession, and on call, and I suggested that he not drink every night, especially when on call. He called me mean, a buzz-kill, and bitchy, right in front of our three year old. I find that unacceptable and figure I shouldn't engage with him until he apologizes. I don't and won't tolerate name-calling. So, he thinks I was "b****", just for saying that. SerenityRUS, I am pregnant right now too, and feel that he shouldn't be drinking much at all, given that I can't even have the occasional glass of wine or margarita. I've tried talking to him from a health perspective too, about how drinking excessively accelerates cognitive decline, etc. I haven't been totally counting his drinks, but he is easily over the recommended 14 drinks a week, and binge drinking (more than 4 drinks) is a regular occurrence. We went to a wedding a couple months ago, and he drank 14 drinks from around 4 until 10:30. One of the main reasons I don't like him drinking, and why I basically fear it, is because his personality changes so much. It doesn't make him fun and cheerful with me. It makes him kind of nasty and mean to me. (I don't think he is nasty to his friends, though, when he drinks. It seems to be pretty much just me. I doubt his drinking buddies would ever talk to him about it. I think they are essentially enablers. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I have wanted to touch base sooner, but glad I finally did.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

A non-alcoholic would listen to what you're saying, and probably reconsider his behavior. One of the definitions of an alcoholic is someone who continues with the drinking and denial even when it starts to be harmful and illogical.

I imagine everyone here has tried explaining the problem to an alcoholic. Of course a normal person would listen. But alcoholics have lost their normality. Al-Anon has the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. ("It" being alcoholism.) If we could control it, we would have found a way by now. So we need tools to help us cope amidst the insanity, and our own recovery because everyone around alcoholism gets sucked into the craziness. I hope you'll read the posts on these boards, find a good meeting in your area, and keep coming back.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jessica - we are glad you did too. My experience as a recovering A as well as having multiple qualifiers is that when we quote statistics and classify/label others in any fashion, they will be defensing. Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. Logical and rational thinking typically are not present when the disease is active. In Al-Anon, we learn that while we have concern, frustration, etc. regarding their disease, it's truly none of our business. We keep the focus on us and what we do/think, no matter what they are or are not doing.

Each situation is different and each A is different. Each recovery path is unique as well - what bonds us together is typically the similar feelings/reactions. Our steps remind us that no human power could relieve us of our disease - whether we are the A or the Ala.

Keep coming back, know you are not alone and practice keeping your energy on you and positive things. Focusing on him, his job, his drinking, what he might do/might not do distracts you from our goal of peace and joy...there is hope always and I've seen many miracles on both sides of the table!

(((Hugs)))

Mcgreuder · Member

Mattie and Iamhere, Thank you. I breathed a sigh, and felt a sense of calm from reading your notes. They are very, very helpful. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating in a sea alone, and don't know the right ways to react, and express my feelings. The only thing I know is how I feel. It makes sense that the defensiveness and the denial prompted the "you are so mean" comment, which I probably shouldn't have taken personally. Iamhere, what you are saying is that my business is life is peace and joy. What he is doing is not my focus. I think I can do that, but have to figure out how to protect myself when his drinking becomes a problem. I probably shouldn't have commented on his drinking. It just created conflict and didn't help the situation or change him. I wish I could find a meeting, but it is tough given that I have a demanding job, toddler, and two more babies on the way, plus tons of other responsibilities with an ailing father, etc. Is there a recommendation of something that could help me in the meantime (book, website, or other) until I can get to a meeting? Thanks so much!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jessica -

There is a variety of literature available to support our recovery. The Al-Anon website - www.al-anon.org/ - has the literature as well as stories, information and more.

There are 2 meetings scheduled each day here - at times, there is no chair person, but often folks who can/will chat - see the top left for meeting times as well as for the link to the meeting room.

To the top right of this page, there is a link to the 12 Step Board - HotRod (Betty) posts a step every 2-3 weeks and those who want to can work on them/study details about each one. She just posted Step 12, so it will start over again in a couple weeks.

My favorite books include: How Al-Anon Works, and then Courage to Change (Daily Reader) and One Day at a Time (Daily Reader). I have books from AA as well as I am a double winner, and the forward of the Big Book, the Chapter to the Wives and the Stories in the back are very insightful (these are available online through Google Searching - the whole book is).

This is a quick start/response from me! I am certain others will share too what they read/do. You are not alone in struggling to find the time and/or a meeting that works with life. HTH!! (((HUgs)))

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

Jessica,

I can relate to your story. My husband was a functioning A for many years, the life of the party and always outgoing. He hid his drinking very well to everyone on the outside of our family. A few years back it started to escalate and I couldn't be in denial anymore. He wanted to keep the status quo so whenever I mentioned anything to him regarding his drinking he would deny or place the blame back on me. It wasn't till he really started to hit rock bottom before I reached out to Al-Anon and found face to face meetings. I too am a mother of young kids and my husbands drinking really messed up our family. He was constantly hung over or trying to get out of the house to drink so we were his second priority. Our youngest (who was 3 at the time) would never want to spend time with him or even talk to him. Funny how they sense this type of stuff so early on. Even though he didn't know what was going on I think he just didn't feel safe with him and was very clingy to me. If you can't get to a face to face meeting I found a great website with pre-recorded webcasts called therecoveryshow.com. It will go over all the basic topics like resentment, detachment, the three Cs as well as many other topics. It has been such a great tool for me when commuting to work. I found detachment to be a very hard concept to practice when living with an A. Just know that you are not alone and there is hope. After I got out of the way and let my husband deal with the consequences of his drinking, he finally admitted that he was an A and sought help. He has been sober for over a year now and is a completely different person....and a very involved father. Our youngest now loves to hang out with him and it is a joy to see what a great father he has become.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I know how tough this is with little ones and I can't even imagine going through this being pregnant. Just know that you are not alone and you will find ESH here on the board.

mb2016 · Member

Jessica, just wanted to let you know I totally relate to your situation. My husband is a binge drinker (I think) and in the medical profession and we have young kids. He doesn't drink every night but 3 and on occasion 4 nights a week he does and he drinks about 4 drinks on those days. If on practice call he will only have 2ish (though never any if on call for ER). He's always been a heavy drinker and he tells me he drinks less now than he ever did which is probably true but it's still too much for me. He thinks I'm crazy and that there are a ton of heavy drinkers and he's right that I think almost everyone is a heavy drinker but I think society encourages drinking now. Anyways, it's caused a lot of conflict and anxiety for me only recently because it never bothered me before. I have found this forum very helpful for my anxiety. Sending good thoughts/vibes to you!

Mcgreuder · Member

I just reread every single one of your replies. it is so nice that you all took time to share your stories with me. I am truly grateful. It is nice to see that some of you have spouses that are recovering too. My current dilemma is this (and I don't know how al anon folks would handle it): a few weeks ago, my husband was DRUNK on a Saturday morning. I was a month from delivering twins, and we were going an hour away to a hotel because they were painting the inside of our house. He wanted ME to drive (his heavily pregnant wife carrying twins!). I put my foot down and said no. I brought him to his parents house with the intent of sobering him up, but he was too gone. The whole time he was saying nasty things about me, and lying about my not wanting to drive (he said I wanted him to drink!). Ridiculous, and hilarious that he thought that even sounded reasonable or logical. The worst thing was that in the course of all this, he started rambling about divorce (which I HAD mentioned to him before because of prior emotional abusive behavior). He then hit me on the face. He hit his pregnant wife in the face! Immediately, he denied it. He continues to deny it. I said he needs to get his drinking under control, see a psychiatrist/therapist, and stop with the emotional abuse if we are moving forward in the marriage. It's been a couple weeks now, and he's been on call, and there has been no heavy drinking. His call ends in the morning. So, he shows up to the house tonight with 4 six packs of beer and several bottles of wine. I now know what his plans are for the weekend...to start indulging in alcohol. I can't risk being around him...his volatility, the chance of physical violence, the belligerence, the spaciness, etc. I am due to deliver my babies in just over a week, so my options seem limited. One of the reasonable requests I gave him...to control his drinking is obviously not going to be honored by him. I told him this and the other things were non-negotiables. He clearly has a problem, and I get that it isn't my problem, and that it is a problem for him to solve. But, I have to protect myself, my toddler, and my babies from verbal, emotional, and possibly further physical abuse. I can ask him to leave, but he won't. How should I handle this. I have decided 100 percent that I don't want a marriage with a drunk. Even when he's not being nasty, if he's drunk, he's weird and distant at the least. A wife and a child cannot emotionally connect with a drunk. They are gone. Thanks in advance for any more advice or help!

jocelgp · Senior Member

Hi jessica, I'm also dealing with how do I ask him to leave when he would not leave. I have in so many instances told him to leave but he wouldn't, he would just calm down but still stays. I'm thinking of being the one to leave but we're staying in my mom's house and it's ridiculous that I be the one to leave. But my husband continues to make life hard for me, everyday he would find something to blame on me or pinpoint a shortcoming on me. Recently, he has not gone out for a drink. But the struggle is so transparent in him. He still continues to defend his drinking habit as normal and that I was a fool to feel & say that he has a drinking problem. We have talked about this and told him that his drinking is my problem and that I will do something for myself to ease me of this, which could be my deciding to not to live with him anymore. If he thinks he has or he has no drinking problem is for him to judge, do something, it is not for me to answer. If his drinking is causing me problem, it is for me to act upon, in the way that I think would be best for me. I cannot tell him to act on it, it's his choice. The trouble is why can't he just go on and drink if he says it's normal. It's not really my business but just thought, perhaps because he knows the truth in himself. That the urge to drink is so strong, he knows the harm it is doing but so hard to resist. And, he needs to find a blame, a scapegoat for drinking other than his own desire. This is what he's been doing lately, and it's putting me under so much stress. His drinking was stopped because of an accident he went thru, that became the turning point for us. At first it looks like finally he will stop (he even said so & promised himself), or was that just wishful thinking on my part. But since then, though he has not drank (as far as I know), each day is becoming more & more stressful with his fault finding & blaming. Looking back, I am now reacting to it differently than when I wasn't aware that this is what "alcoholism" is. And I tell myself I am never going back to that ugly past of how I dealt with his drinking. Now I know, that if things will really turn so bad (what it is, IDK, I am just praying that God will prod me to do the right thing in accordance with His will) I will leave if he won't, even if it's ridiculous because I'm leaving my mom's house to which I have every right to stay.
For now, I try hard to stay calm and allow God to act on us. I truly believe that God is leading us to what should be.
Our difference, you have kids and I don't, so I cannot speak on that area. But I do have a heart for the innocent victims, think of them and pray to God in behalf of this innocent ones.
Take very good care of yourself and your children (((Hugs)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry to hear this is happening. I know there is no good time and this is one of the worst possible times.

When I had a small child and realized my husband was an unrecovering alcoholic, I treated it as if he had just disappeared off the face of the earth. Like, what if he had been run over by a bus and was in total traction in the hospital for a year, or had gone to report in a war zone and been kidnapped, or whatever. What would I do? That's how I pretended things were, so I wouldn't be tempted into "Why can't he handle this?" or "It's too much for me, I have to give him X and Y to handle." I just pretended he wasn't physically anywhere near or available. So it meant initially I had to lean on all kinds of friends and services. I don't have any family living or I would have leaned on them too.

Another important thing is a lawyer. A lawyer who is familiar with alcoholism. A good lawyer can tell you your right and procedure about your house, about child support and alimony, about protecting your assets, about keeping records of what has been happening, and about securing the future of yourself and your children.

Sadly, a man who would hit his pregnant wife (or his wife at all - but when you're pregnant - it's like he's emphasizing how far gone he is) is not a safe man to be around. Your safety and the safety of your kids is more important than anything. Make sure your lawyer knows about this. The webpage for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is http://www.thehotline.org/. They have suggestions there for making a safe escape. I am sure they would recommend not telling your husband you are leaving - that is a moment when a lot of violence happens, and if he has been drinking (which sounds like a good bet), the likelihood is even stronger. Please do not underestimate the chances of this. Much better safe than sorry!

You might also consider confiding in the social worker at the hospital, since I imagine you will be spending some time there soon with the new babes. smile The social worker will be familiar with this situation. You can tell her that your husband has been increasingly drunken, that he hit you once, and that you are worried about how to proceed. She will be very familiar with resources and services to help.

In the long run, after you have found a way to be safe and supported, I worry about your husband's patients. I have a friend whose father was killed by being operated on by a surgeon who was drunk. I imagine that the nurses and other professionals who work with your husband have noticed that something is very off. I hope someone can prevent him from harming helpless patients. I know the AMA takes action on reports. So just something to think about as things move ahead. For now, the most important thing is getting lots of support for yourself. Please let us know how it goes. Hugs.

Doingmybest · Senior Member

"He then hit me on the face. He hit his pregnant wife in the face! Immediately, he denied it. He continues to deny it."

This is a game changer my friend!!! Physical abuse should NEVER be tolerated!!! You must protect yourself and your precious children.

I do not mean to come across as pushing or as telling you what to do, but physical abuse is the only time alanon will actually tell you what to do....ever. It is the only time we say you MUST keep yourself and your children safe because an alcoholic simply cannot accept that they have done anything wrong and will not accept responsibility for their own actions until they have gotten into a program and are in a good recovery status.

So far, I can say I am one of the "lucky" ones in that my RAH (recovering alcoholic husband) of over 20 years has been sober in recovery (AA) for almost 18 months (the 12th is his sobriety date)! His program has made a great deal of difference in our home, as has mine! I do have to admit I have not been to a meeting in just over a month (here they are only weekly) and I am really starting to feel it in my behavior and in his. Of course I could just be feeling my own guilt in not doing the next right thing and projecting it on him.

The reason I decided to log in and respond to your post is that I do understand where you are in a way. My RAH binge drank beer and then just drank beer constantly. He apparently started at age 10 (though I didn't know this until after he started AA. He was 46 when he hit his bottom. And, that was only because he got a DUI and (he was so important yet couldn't talk his way out of this one). His employment situation, though not medical, also required duty and he got to the point that he was being really stupid and drinking constantly while on duty. So many times he went on in to work drunk and yet others covered for him. He was on top of the world in his demented mind, until the world came crashing down on him.

We too had some physical situations. I did not handle them well though. Of course, "they were my fault" and "I was really making things worse than they were!" So, I do get the blame and the self doubt thing too. We have one living child (I lost four) and he did not connect with me at all when I was pregnant. He was too weak I guess because alcohol blinded him to so many things. It is almost like kryptonite to an alcoholic when they have alcohol. It's almost just as bad when they are not drinking and craving the alcohol so much. That is, until they find recovery. Now (and I pray he always feels this way) my RAH's program comes first and I am happy with that. It is not as if my daughter and I come second, but like we are in a balance. It can be challenging because he travels all of the time and we don't see him very much, but it is still so much better when we do that there is no comparison. I can be happy doing my own things with my daughter or honestly by myself. I don't worry all of the time anymore.

I can imagine, if you are anything like I was, that you worry incessantly about his drinking and driving, his getting caught drinking when called in on duty days, about drinking causing him to make a serious mistake, about his safety, about your children's safety, and about your security. Most of us do. It is simply part of the disease of alcoholism. We also often somehow believe we have the power to change the drinker or to convince them that everything would be perfect if they would just listen to us and stop drinking. This is the disease starting to work on us. We have zero control over anyone or anything except our own actions, thoughts, or behaviors.

There is hope as long as there is life though. I promise you this. Once I even called the police to come get my H when he was shoving me into walls over a cell phone he was trying to hide (oh yeah....most of them have quite a few secrets) and I happen to be disabled now, so it is extremely dangerous to hit my back on anything. Not only do I have really bad back issues with a failed fusion, a spinal cord stimulator, and continued multiple disc bulges and small ruptures, but I have a plethora of other lovely issues medically that I have developed over the last 10 years. I will never accept responsibility for the physical abuse, but I now see how my own actions led to his reactions and I don't hold it against him anymore. There is often a fine line between personal responsibility for our actions and accepting blame for the actions of others.

I also understand you must feel cornered about the physical "junk" because "telling on him" could cost him his job (and therefore your financial comfort and security). You may also feel telling will damage his reputation in the eyes of his co-workers and friends....but I'm betting many of them already know he has an alcohol problem. Alcoholism is very difficult to hide after a time. I cannot speak for the legal ramifications of making a report since I don't know your exact situation. I don't think I an qualified to do so anyway And only you can decide what is the right thing to do and when to do that thing.

Please also give yourself time to deal with the blessed event of the birth of your twins and the joy this event. No one here will ever judge you no matter what you do or say.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry for the chaos the disease has brought you. I am quite sure, given the choice, you'd be focused on the 2 little people coming soon! Congrats. by the way on the soon to happen delivery - I have a friend who had 2 sets of twins....it's double the fun!

As a general rule, we don't give advice in Al-Anon - the exception is abuse. My best suggestion is to take some time for you and relax. Then seek support from all/any local options. Nobody should have to live with fear for their safety or fear for the safety of their child. You and those babies (inside and outside) should be your top priority - so do whatever it takes to care for you, your heart, soul, kids, etc.

Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. (((Hugs))) too...

Mcgreuder · Member

Thanks for all of the help so far!! I have a question: how do I balance the philosophy of "live and let live" with my husband who I would like to take more responsibility with the kids? It seems like "live and let live" would mean that he isn't responsible or accountable to me or the kids for anything.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The unfortunate thing is that you cannot make him responsible. You can assign responsibilities to him, but it's impossible to make him fulfill them responsibly. (If there were a way, we would have found it!) So it does seem as if the alcoholics are getting off "scot free." They get to party and we have to pull the household weight for two people. It certainly is infuriating. But when it comes to taking care of kids, who are helpless, we simply can't risk letting the alcoholic be in charge. It would be like putting a toddler as a babysitter for another toddler while we left the house. No amount of effort on our part will make them behave responsibly. That's even if they love the kids like anything. Their addiction simply makes them make terrible decisions and they're unable to tell that they're making terrible decisions. Life-endangering decisions, sometimes.

It sounds to me as if your A is still around - I hope you're able to get to meetings (many of them have childcare) and take care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, I do agree that we cannot force anyone to be responsible or to follow through on tasks they undertake. I would like to point out that I missed the first part of hat slogan that suggested that" I Live" first then and let live I needed to make time for myself, get baby sitters and find interesting activities for myself so that I was living and not simply surviving. It worked.

Mcgreuder · Member

I am upset today for that reason (he was late coming home today to watch the kids and prioritized going out of town to drink with his buddies over spending quality time with the kids (Daughter's tennis lesson). I am also ticked that I asked to talk to him about an issue I was having with our decorator, and he has put me off all day, so I finally got pissed and told him I didn't want him joining me on our short trip for my belated bday tomorrow. He just said "I love you, whatever you want", and still hasn't addressed the issue I wanted to talk to him about, after my asking by text and phone all afternoon as he drives back from his drinking brunch with buddies. Infuriating. I know I need to just take care of me. I'm at work now so it's hard now. Should I start trying to go out with other adults one or two nights a week to have someone to talk to, since I can't talk with my husband? We have therapy on thurs and will be bringing this up.thanks in advance.

Mcgreuder · Member

I just don't want to be this angry, and I don't know how to do it.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Going out with other adults sounds like a great plan. It is very important to be able to get out of the place where we're in pain (which unfortunately often is our home) and to bring some joy into our life.

From my experience, talking with others who understood alcoholism was the best release and relief. Some of my dear friends -- although they are wonderful to me -- have not had this experience, so there was not that spark of understanding. But the one friend who also had experience with addicted relatives/partners, and also had experience with Al-Anon and other 12 step programs, was the most helpful to me at the time I was in crisis. She really "got it."

That is also why Al-anon meetings are so helpful. Even though the people there may be strangers at first, we quickly recognize that we all have something very profound in common. We know what it is like to live with alcoholism in someone we care about. It is amazing to be in a room full of people who "get it."

I also found that talking with my alcoholic husband about my feelings was not much help, even though he listened patiently. I was telling him my feelings so he would change, and he could not change on his own, and he could not fix me. Only I, with the help of higher powers, could fix me.

I was angry for quite a while, but it gradually dissipated as I got more into my own recovery.

Anyway, have fun going out with friends -- you deserve it!

-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 9th of April 2017 05:19:14 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jessica - what you suggested is a great idea. Disease or not, he's got other events/outings scheduled with other folks. There is no reason I can think of that you shouldn't also have time away from the home, children, responsibilities, etc. This was one 'thing' I did not know to do before recovery. We (AH & I) both worked full time plus and yet I still handled all the child care, day care, home care, shopping, cleaning, etc. I stepped away from my hobbies and interests as I thought that's what I should do. Nobody asked me to do so and I took it upon myself to be the 'queen of the home'...

In program, we can ask for help. We had a gal show up yesterday who's not been able to get to meetings as she's got a chronic disease and this limits her driving. We talked after the meeting, and she's reasonably close to me so I am going to be picking her up each week when she wants to attend. If she had not shared how grateful she was to be at the meeting, explaining why she's been missing, I would not have known that she needed help.

I agree with Betty - hire a sitter, or find others to 'share' - you watch theirs one night and they watch yours another. Get creative and live your life. The best way I got through my anger was by working the program - steps, meetings, etc. Anger for me becomes resentments if I don't deal with it, and resentments are not allowed in my life any longer....I just don't want to live like that any more and am willing to forgive, let go, etc. to not 'be that person'...

Just for today, do something nice for you - read a book, take a bubble bath, cook what you want, etc. - be nice and gentle to you. Trust the recovery process and embrace all that you can of the program. It truly does work when we work it! (((Hugs)))

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Jessica,

I was angrier with my XAH when I wasn't taking care of me .. honestly that wasn't on him that was on me.

As far as meetings that to me is the right place to share what is going on because the people there "get" it. People who are either living in denial or have not directly dealt with someone's alcoholism/addiction .. just don't get it.

My behavior changing was a total game changer for my XAH. While others have more of a cumbia (sp?) approach to their qualifiers .. I'm not there .. I have gone down a couple rabbit holes and don't have fond feelings for my X. How I deal with that is allow him to be him without the expectation that today he's going to do the right thing. I find my anger is far less just to have no expectations of him thinking about anyone except himself. Do realize it was a very ugly divorce we are talking years before divorce finalizing I owe his new wife big time because without her I would have still been going through the divorce. The other issue was financials and he refused and tried to find ways to delay and so on .. I finally was able to end that it was difficult. It is possible to have a more calm existence with the A regardless of if they are drinking or not .. it's really about what are you going to do.

A happy mom is a happier person so you do what you need to help yourself one of the best things you can do is attend alanon meetings and take care of you.

I can tell you my kids will tell you I am far happier than I have been in years.

Hugs S :)

quiettime · Newbie

Jessica- I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Seems like we have a lot in common with our situations I just havent reached out to anyone very much. Im just tired of being sad and feeling alone.

Maresie · Senior Member

Most of us get here with a lot on our plates

There is hope. Remember there is a chat room here and you will find people there a lot of the time particularly over the holi days

We do a lot in.al.anon to d's escalate not because we dont.want to hold the alcohol8c respons8ble but to reducxe stress. There are a lot of tools in.al.anon that can help.

I know when I.was with.btjhe.now ex A I was obsessed with his trrespins8ble he was. I.am several years out from being with him. A's far as I know nothing changed. He is still irrespons8ble blaming others and not taking care of himself.

So much

For it was all about #me#.

There is a wealth of experience here bit most of all there is compassion.xaring understanding.and no judgment

Whatever you do the tools of.al.anon.xan help. Beimg.arpund people who.understand where you are at can help.

Mary

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Quiet time this is an extremely old posting and often members move on. It appears that this might be so for"Jessica .I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and n attend. This dreadful disease is progressive and we are powerless over it.

quiettime · Newbie

Hotrod I understand. Just thought I would check in bc you never know. Face to face meetings are not an option for me right now. Thank you though.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great We do hold online meetings here 7 nights a week at 9 PM EST .He is the link to the chat room : www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

For me having a support group really helped. I carried the phone number of Al-Anon in my purse for a long time before I actually went to my first face to face meeting. I cried for weeks when I would share. Within time I felt calmness, peace and help was on my side. We can never change them. Never. We all would if we could. Detaching helps and just walking away from the drama. Finding this group years ago was a Miracle in itself. Between MIP, books, articles, tapes and Face to Face meetings it all has helped me. It is time for you to be the focus, not him. Take care of you and your children. Prayers and positive thoughts from me to you.

Mcgreuder · Member

I am still here. I am the original poster. I went to a couple meetings, but mostly read the codependency books this year and al anon books. Itâs helped me a lot and I can honestly say I am in a better situation. He and I go to couples therapy too, and we have a good therapist. I still deal with issues, but it seems that boundary setting has helped me a lot. I will no longer participate in any events if he acts intoxicated. Period. Too many bad situations.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mcgreuder, thank you for the update! It is great to hear that you are in a better situation. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.

Mcgreuder · Member

Hi guys! Im back again. Really trying to work on some boundaries and having trouble. Im at work today and husband is at home with kids. Husband was out drinking til 3:30, and twin 21 mo olds were up and playing since 6:30 am. He didnt go in there to change their diaper and waited til nanny came at 8 to get them up. The boy had a poopy diaper and a rash. He cried when nanny gave him a bath bc of rash. Certainly would have helped if Daddy had changed his diaper when he was awake 1.5 hours earlier. Hes not answering the phone and he is sleeping. Nanny is taking care of kids. We have a nanny to help with the kids, not to totally take care of them. Obviously, Im ticked and disgusted. I know I cant control him, but what kind of boundary can I set for myself and the kids to help ME? Thank you!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene