The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son is 25. My son is an alcoholic. I've said it, yet I feel guilt, shame and failure. My son has been on his own off and on for 6-7 years. He always ends up coming back to mom after he has made so many bad choices in his circumstances and burned so many bridges that if I don't let him back, I fear he will end up on the streets or worse. He is also a more than regular pot user. When he is in my home he is up late gaming, smoking pot then sleeps most of the day, he works as a chef so his jobs generally have him starting late afternoon or evening. My daughter who is 20 and living with her boyfriend sometimes comes to stay a few days or so and also is up late smoking pot, watching tv, online then sleeps all day, doesn't work, nor has any motivation to work. Their behaviour is destroying my relationship Ive been in for 5 years. Their behaviour was also the begin of the demise of my previous relationship. This is the second time my son has had to come back in those 5 years. My son has stolen, lied, manipulated, deceived, and so on. Had friends in and out all hours who were all drunk or high, were loud, disrespectful, pissed themselves on my furniture and on and on. When he drinks, he does it to excess. He doesn't know when to quit. He was removed by police from his last residence after threatening his roommates and also telling them I was coming over to "kick their asses". He went to stay with his sister but was told he couldn't stay as he had stolen a pair of golf clubs out of that house. He ultimately came here (with a cat) and I laid the law down, no pot, no drinking, be respectful, no sleeping all day. My laws have as always gone unheeded. He smokes pot outside my house, selling it at times, I have found a bag of empties and some full cans of beer in his back pack or under the bed. He has lied to me about not drinking. I told him he has no choice but to get help or Im cutting him out of my life. He went to an AA meeting but left because he felt awkward and thinks he isnt "like them". His second meeting, he took a book to read, so he isnt focused on the meeting itself.
I feel it is my responsibility to help him, to get his act together, to assist him find housing, to be there when he falls. My heart is breaking because I dont know the right thing to do, or more like that I know the right thing to do but cant bring myself to do it.
Im at a loss. If you have made it this far reading this, thank you.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, a disease that you didn't cause, won't cure, and can't control. These are just a couple of the things that we learn in Al Anon, and I highly recommend you find a face to face meeting in your area. I now have a number of friend's whose marriages have been save from breaking up over their children's alcoholism because of Al Anon. It is a program that will work if you work it.
What is it about his sisters house that the golf clubs there are more valuable than the furniture that has been pissed on in your house, therefore he isn't thrown out? You have done all of your responsibilities, now it is his turn. He apparently thinks he still has a momma bear that can "kick their asses", so he has no reason to grow up.
Understanding more about how the alcoholic's mind works, and then more about how your mind works in response, are very important things that you will learn quickly by accepting our first step, which is just like AA's first step - to understand and admit that we are powerless over alcohol. This extends to other people. However, the thing we DO have power over is our response to other people, and their drinking of alcohol.
If nothing else, keep coming back here and read and interact with us. There are some very wise people here that can give you experience, strength, and hope. There are also online meetings here twice a day, schedule and information is on the top-left corner of this page.
Welcome Mom I am so sorry fo the pain and suffering you are enduring. I do so understand your heart and the difficulty in dealing with a child who has this disease.
I too suggest that you search out alnon face to face meetings and attend Developing new constructive tools to live by and receiving the support of like minded members is so important, as we walk this difficult path. No one will tell you what to do (as we do not give advise) however we will offer compassion, and new wonderful tools that help to keep us sane and safe.'
Keep coming back.
Wow if I didn't know any better I would've said I wrote that about my own 24 year old son. ((Mom)) At 25 you are not responsible for getting his life together. I hope you keep coming back.
I've discussed this a number of times with my alcoholic wife, and that is alcoholism is not a moral issue. it just is. I don't think anyone really knows why dsome people get addicted to it and others don't, but it's not a moral shortcoming, therefore should not be a guilt- or shame-inducing thing.
That is why our first step is so important. It doesn't say "we are too lazy to control ourselves", nor does it say "we don't love our [son|daughter|significant other] enough to make them stop" nor does it say "we don't love our [mom|dad|SO] to be able to stop for them". No, it says "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." There is no blame in the first step. It is what it is, and admits that life is what it is, and that we can admit that we can't live life on life's terms when we are so involved with alcohol, whether we are the drinker, or the long-suffering lover of an alcoholic.
Aloha Mom just got thru reading the responses to your post after reading your post of course. I can say you just got loved real good and no one offered to come over to your place and "fix it" The suggestions to get to the face to face meetings of the AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS is the best one you're going to get. Notice the word FAMILY because this is a Family disease. Alcoholism affect everyone it comes into contact with and some of those affected die from it as the disease is also fatal..
It took me two trips to finally remember where the groups were and what they existed for. The disease had me to the point where I was suicidal and then I kept coming back until suicide was the furthest thing from my mind. That was 37 years ago and I like to think at times I'm the sanest person I know....lol
My son is alcoholic. He has been from a very young age. He stopped for a while and then relapsed; too bad. I learned in early recovery when he lived with me that I could divorce him like I did his addicted mother and so I did. I love him...think he's cool and skilled and still the being alcoholic tears that to shreds each and every time. Would you not be more proud and happy if he and his sister decided on their own to get their lives back together? They can you know...there and thousands of sober and clean alcoholics and addict in your neighborhood. Stop holding them back. Keep coming back here for you...this is family. ((((hugs)))))
Hello Mom - welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and glad that you joined us and shared.
Much wisdom above me in the posts of others here. Two of my three qualifiers are my sons - I am batting 1000% for the disease within my family - two kids - both addictive personalities. Kenny is right - they nor I asked for this to be their place in life, it just is. We all accept it, or we don't. I've chosen to accept it and them exactly as they are and came to Al-Anon. I originally came hoping to fix them, and instead changed me.
Al-Anon can give you love, support and tools to find your peace/serenity no matter what they are or are not doing. I too encourage you to look for local meetings. If you can't find them or can't get to them, we have two per day here online - top left for the times and the link. You are not alone - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
