The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been coming here for 5 months now - I am a work in progress and I truly have so much work to do. I was hoping to get clarity if, when and who I should ask to sponsor me. I have gone to my first face to face meeting and felt so much love there - I needn't see if it is the right fit for it already feels like it.
My husband, who has now been gone for 23 days (I had to detach physically from him because I have dysfunctional behaviors that definitely contribute to his addiction issues) and is living at our trailer and came home to spend the night last Friday. I anticipated (huge mistake on my part) that he would be very remorseful for the pain that his choices have caused for me and our family. He came in light hearted and didn't appear to want to talk about what has transpired. I could barely hold myself together, and although we had talked about him staying for the weekend, I had to ask him to go back to the trailer.
I am floundering because I do not know what to do. My intention for detaching is to finally get out of the way of his addictions and to stop my compulsive desire to take care of him, thus supporting his addictive behaviors. I had also hoped that this would be what got him on a road to recovery. I am missing him horribly and I am still 100% committed to him and our marriage. I am finding this so hard for I feel like he is alienating me. He says that his goal is for us to work things out. He thinks a break is healthy for us. In my heart of hearts, I believe that he has not hit his bottom. From what he has shared with me, I think he believes that we are just two different people who are hopelessly in love, who need to get back to where we once were - to what made us fall in love. I have never needed a break - I have only ever wanted to fix those things that were wrong in our marriage and move forward together - working hard to move towards a functional, happy and fulfilling marriage. I came to the realization back in December, that everything that we had ever tried has not and will not ever be able to be successful because we have never dealt with the alcohol/addiction issues that have essentially been destroying our lives. I actually don't ever want to go back to the beginning of our relationship for I believe that being so in love is what blinded me to what has now become my life - just 26 years later. I want a new beginning - it is just that I only want it with him. A beginning where we are both in recovery. He is attending AA but only once per week - and is having minimal communication with me, and sharing nothing to do with recovery - only day to day stuff. I am overboard in recovery mode - which is just too typical of my personality as well. I am finding it hard to communicate with him because I need to share my true feelings of hurt as well as of love and hope but I find him very closed off. A very real struggle that I have always had with him is that he hears me different than the words that I actually say to him.. For instance, if I say, "I feel like I am being left to carry the vast majority of the responsibilities in our household - I need to be able to rely on you to take care of some jobs when I need you to." If I ask him to tell me what he heard - he will say,"Just what you have always said, I don't do anything around here, the only thing that you will ever accept is 50/50 down the middle and I can't ever make you happy!" This type of communication has always been a running theme throughout our marriage.
So (after my long windedness - which is something that I really need to work on), my point is this. I am wondering if I now need a sponsor that I can work with closely to help me navigate through next steps. I am always drawn to talking with other women because that most closely reminds me of my relationships with my best friends. I am wondering if it would be more beneficial for me to ask a male if he would sponsor me. I wonder if that would be a way for me to also learn how to communicate with my husband better - if I get male feed back as opposed to female? I am just so confused........
Wonderful that you attended a f2f meeting, they are such a blessing. It sounds like you have some self awareness and the willingness to move forward! What an amazing gift! It is suggested that females stick with females and males to males. They are suggestions and only we can decide what is best for us as an individual.
When I found my sponsor I attended a lot of meetings until I found a gal I felt drawn too. I liked her shares, how she presented herself, how she was living the program... she had what I wanted....
So glad you are here, keep coming back!
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Hi Donna I agree completely with "Kats" suggestions above. Meetings, listening and then finding someone whose recovery matches what you want. Good Luck
Thank you so much for your feedback Kats and Betty. I really think this is a reminder to me that I need to slow down. Let go and Let God. I am rushing my way to happiness and I think that I must recognize that it took me a long time to get here - it will take me a long time to recover. For now I will try to quiet myself and trust that I will know when it is time for me to ask for a sponsor.
Donna - welcome to MIP! Glad you are here and glad that you shared. So glad to see that you've found meetings and are embracing the program. For me, my expectations can lead me to disappointment over and over again....the program has given me fresh ways to examine situations and to hope for the best instead of expecting the best. It's brought me a ton of freedom!
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene