The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I continue to live apart from my husband, and for our kids to split our time between both homes. My heart is shutting down more and more, and I have pretty much concluded I can no longer be married in a situation where recovery is not truly sought, but lying and denial abound. I struggle just writing these words - because I absolutely believed in "for better and worse". I just never imagined that "worse" would include lying, denial and blame. Anyhow, I have been trying to really lean on my HP. The other day, as I thought about moving forward into the path of legally separating or divorcing, I found myself wishing that I had some proof of his unsafe behavior over the past couple years. I have been told to try to record conversations and accusations, or to document what I can about breathalyzer levels, or anything that can go beyond my own written facts (i.e., beyond me writing "he refused to take the breathalyzer test but was obviously drunk"). I verbalized the wish that somehow, I would be able to get some proof that could help me, if need be, with custody arrangements, etc.
Friday evening, I was at a gathering of women friends. I heard my phone beep a few time with texts, but ignored it. Earlier, I had dropped the kids off at AH's, and felt he had been drinking. He got out of the shower and was walking around the house naked, and calling frequent attention to that fact. I tried to ignore it, but it was creepy after living apart for 9 months. I left the kids there because they would not be getting in a car. Anyhow, when I finally looked at my texts, I was horrified that for the first time, both my boys (11 and 13) had texted me... things like "Dad's drunk" and "Dad fell and hit his nose- he's bleeding" and "I had to help him up the stairs" and "he threw up and then passed out". My first thought was shame that I had not checked my texts right away, and then sorrow that my kids had to live with this, waiting for and wondering if and when mom would respond.
On the way up to the house (with my friend, who had never met my AH), I called another friend. She said "This is your chance to get some proof!" She advised me to call the police, tell them what my kids had texted, and that I could not get there myself, and to do a safety check. I was so glad she had helped me realize this - the answer to my prayers/musings earlier in the day - that I needed some proof of his behavior (for custody issues). But then the friend who was accompanying me strongly advised me NOT to do that. She shared a family experience that had scarred her nephews... police were called when their mother attacked their father... both parents were arrested in front of them... they were taken to the police station and someone else had to collect them. She pointed out that could happen if I were to go to the house too. And if I did not go to the house, the police might have to take the kids with them (30 miles away, rather late at night). She did not tell me what to do, but encouraged me to think very carefully about the ramifications. Plus, this was the first time my boys had reached out when with dad. She raised the issue that they might not trust me the next time, if my response and help led to dad being arrested and all of them being removed from the house.
I have no experience with this kind of stuff! Police, custody, laws, substance abuse... I am very naive, though trying to learn.
I'm confused, because I truly thought HP was responding to my voiced wish/regret that I had no proof... but I feel my friend's voice of reason was also a message coming from experience! And then, it was back to me to make a decision. Not knowing where the true answer lies.
Alot of this IS confusing. Understanding that the love and compassion we have for someone, the feelings, are a gift from God. And then to walk away from it, not knowing if it's the right move, no matter how much we pray on it, because separating God's plan for us with the feelings WE have, and what WE hope for, it's not easy.
(((Oceanpine ))) I think that by listening to your friends ESH. before taking action wasextremely wise. I think that by your listening to your small voice within , you may have heard HP offering you a different view to consider.
Trust the process, so that when/if you decide to divorce pray about it and then listen for guidance.
Save the text messages. They certainly indicate an unsafe situation for your children.
Your children need to know that they can be safe.
It is so hard to know what is my HP and what is my own voice. I find, though, that if I pay attention, I can figure out the next best thing to do.
I hope you were able to pick up your kids and reassure them that they are safe, and that their father's condition is not their fault, or really, anything to do with anyone but himself - alcoholism is a disease.
