The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This article on the statistics about drinking in the U.S. provides food for thought:
"30 percent of American adults don't drink at all. Another 30 percent consume, on average, less than one drink per week. On the other hand, the top 10 percent of American adults - 24 million of them - consume an average of 74 drinks per week, or a little more than 10 drinks per day."
When I wonder, "How did I end up with an alcoholic?", this helps answer the question. They're not as hard to find as I thought. If you go on dates with ten people, statistically speaking one of them will be an alcoholic. And since alcoholics are deceptive, it stands to reason that I didn't catch on right away.
So I didn't magically attract an alcoholic from the small number there are out there. There are actually a huge number out there, and I ran into one, as most people will.
Then the real question is why I stayed with him after I realized he had a drinking problem. There were about ten factors that contributed to this. Sorting them out has been the beginning of a new life for me.
My family tells me I see an alcoholic;around every corner; and reading this article I see it is true. I am glad I found alanon , and am now in the 30% who do not drink and am learning how to keep the focus on myself and discover why I say what i say and do what I do.
"As Cook notes in his book, the top 10 percent of drinkers account for well over half of the alcohol consumed in any given year" Wow.
"If you consume 10+ drinks per day, for instance, you almost certainly have a drinking problem. But the beverage industry is heavily dependent on you for their profits."
"If the top decile somehow could be induced to curb their consumption level to that of the next lower group (the ninth decile), then total ethanol sales would fall by 60 percent."
Wow and wow.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Monday 21st of March 2016 10:47:32 AM
When I learned to "keep and open mind" I let go of the statistics not because I couldn't or wouldn't believe and because the ratios became moot in my family of origin. Drinking was a grand pastime. When the time arrived and with the ESH of my sponsor I got away "from all things alcohol" which was difficult considering as a full member of the Al-Anon Family Groups most of the people I associated with came from within the disease also. "We get as affected as them only more so because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality" ...from the definition on alcoholism. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Mattie, Those are terrifyingly high numbers. Very sad. I always relate and respond so well to what and how you speak/write... Do you mind sharing the 10 reasons you have discovered that you stayed? As you know, I am still clinging to what my exA used to be, and trying to let go of who we were - so if you're willing, think your personal insights would be helpful. No pressure! Thanks for the share.
I stayed to honor my wedding vows which I took very seriously and to hold the family together for the children .
In addition being a stay at home mom I thougths it would be too difficult to venture back into the work force Thanks to alanon and HP I did learn how to manage it all
One reason I posted this was because I have been blaming myself for managing to find an alcoholic - "Out of all the millions of people, how did I end up with an alcoholic?" Now I realize we have to have our filters on all the time, because alcoholics are around every corner, as Hotrod said.
As for the reasons I stayed so long - I think they were:
self-doubt - "What if this is the best I can do? I'm probably not able to attract anyone better."
fear - "Can I cope with the feelings of failure if I don't make this relationship work? What if I fall apart? I can't let yet another thing go wrong!"
lack of perspective - "He's actually a great catch because he doesn't do X, Y and Z and those would be bad things and some men do them. I need to learn to appreciate what I have."
hope - "We have so much in common. How can two people who are so well suited fail?"
lack of knowledge about alcoholism - "If I can just get him to see how his drinking is damaging, then we'll have turned the corner and he can quit drinking and it will be fixed. I know I can make that happen if I can just figure out the words."
anger - "I can't let go until he sees what he's done to me. I have to make him understand! He can't get away with this!"
attachment - "These strong feelings must mean that I care deeply and that we're meant to be together. Whatever he's done, my feelings are so strong that this MUST be love - what else could it be? It would hurt too much to let go, so why should I let go? We're meant for each other! I feel it!"
codependence - "I just don't think I could be happy without him. He needs me to fix him and I need to fix him."
familiarity and old patterns - "He's emotionally unavailable and that feels a whole lot like my upbringing. I am determined to fix it THIS time. THIS time I will win!"
addiction - "If I don't have him and this familiar chaos, what do I have? Bleakness and despair. I can't work on that! It's too much! He will save me from that. Trying to fix him will keep me from having to look at that."
That about sums it up for me. An alcoholic and my dysfunction - a match made in heaven - or elsewhere.
Wow, Mattie: that really just sums up all my dysfunction from my first marriage in a nutshell. I remember actually thinking, at age 25, that my XAH was the best I was going to do. I remember telling myself that, "I'm not getting any younger. What if no one else comes along. This man wants me so I guess I should make it work and want him back just because he proposed!" I never thought I could say no. I never thought there was better out there. Maybe I was blinded by love and maybe I was just a naive 25 year old woman? Either way, I said all those things you said above. And, yes, I also felt that our match was a match made in heaven.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
And how many others have that 10 percent affected and how many liars in the 90 percent, lol? I don't think there's one person who isn't affected in the so called first world by alcoholism. I think of my oldest two children and sadly many others who are the grandchildren of alcoholics on both sides and although they may never see an actual bottle, so many behaviours and enforcements shaping their environments are direct results of alcoholic families. What a quaqmire. Thank you alanon!
