The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am here so that I can first and foremost UNDERSTAND and NOT JUDGE. I wish to SUPPORT my girlfriend in a HEALTHY way. Because I can be co-dependent I can easily make excuses for her behavior should she fall back into it. She is clean and has been for a little over a year. I just want the support and understanding of others so that I can know what it is that I should and should not be doing. I have no frame of reference as it pertains to Alcoholism except my mother who was an alcoholic and gave me up for adoption.
I have so many questions. Such as, 1. Is it common for those who have been sober for a 1 to have a relapse? 2. What do you look for in a person if you are not around them a lot as it pertains to them drinking again? 3. How do I NOT allow my being codependant to overlook such incidents if they arise and end up enable her? 4. How can I effectively LOVE her through this without falling for any potential future relapses?
Don't get me wrong I am not suggesting that she may have a relapse. In fact I am believing that she will remain sober forever. Just because I believe that doesn't make it so which is why I am asking questions ahead of time and being realistic about how life's stressors can throw someone backwards even if they are strong. I just wish to be realistic and truly a good healthy friend.
Because I am so new to all of this PLEASE SOMEBODY point me in the direction of what I should be doing and for the RECORD , I am NOT A DRINKER myself persay. I do have an occassional glass of wine several times per year but even that is 1-2 minimal. I purposely won't order a drink while we are out at a restaurant even though she has insisted. I did it several times but decided I would rather not drink period around her besides it's nothing I have to have anyways.
Welcome Cynthia, Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive,fatal disease that can be arrested, and never cured. You did not cause the disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it, So the best you can do is to search out a recovery program for yourself and ATTEND.
Alanon is the recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics. Face to face meeetings are held in most communities and the hot line number can be found in the white pages. I urge you to attend as I believe all your questions will eventually be answered.
This disease does cause a lot of fear and sure it should as it is fearsome what it does to the lives of not only the drinker and also to those involved with the drinker; family and friends. The disease is thousands of years old so where you are and what you are concerned about gratefully has a lot of experience from those who have been affected by it and remain sane and serene. The membership of MIP and the Al-Anon Family Groups are where these people are at and they have much EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE TO SHARE WITH YOU about how they survive and keep happy. In support we do not attempt to fix, or control the alcoholic or addict as Betty has mentioned. We remain true to our own lives and peace of mind. My alcoholic/addict was adult and knew where and when to get help when the disease was ravaging her and I stayed out of her way so that she could learn how to do that before she got drunk or loaded rather than attempting to rescue her from hospitals and the police and more. I had to learn how to do that because I was doing the controlling and power trip before I learned from the fellowship. I never met a member that knew from the start how to do the right thing...we just are not that experienced and aware...we have to be taught from the literature and meetings and sponsors with tons of experience we can share and use.
I come here for me and not for any alcoholic and addict other than this program keeps me out of their way allowing them to be responsible or...not. I know the fear from within the disease...this disease is a monster, a horrible one. I know what it looks like, sounds like, feels like and does and today I know how not to react to it; not to let my mind create scenes that terrify me any longer. Today even the word fear means..."F alse" "E vidense" "A ppearing" "R eal" The evidence isn't real and my mind believes it and yes that sounds crazy until we come to accepting a power greater than ourselves who will lead us to sanity.
Welcome to the board. I hope you will find a face to face Al-Anon Family Group in your area to attend often or come here on a daily basis to participate in the twice daily on-line groups. You can get our literature by checking into Al-Anon.Com. Just keep coming back and hanging around...you'll learn. (((((hugs)))))
SeaMe4 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined and shared! There is much ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) above me, so I'll not repeat. My experience is that the disease spreads well beyond the affected to include almost everyone who loves/lives with them. Al-Anon provides a safe place to work on you, your feelings, your thoughts, etc. about the disease and the diseased.
Most of us have warped thinking and reactions as a result of the chaos and drama this disease brings. Al-Anon helped me be able to sort out what I did/felt that was logical from that which was not so much. I now have a new set of tools to live and laugh and love with again.
Local meetings provide me with local support and fellowship - I don't know where I would be without this program, but my life, attitude and outlook has changed dramatically since embracing and working it.
Please keep coming back - we're usually just a post away!! (((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank You ALL for replying. I will find a local meeting in my area to attend. I desire to learn all I can and Like you Jerry, I too wish to NOT get in her way and stay out of her way and give her the necessary room to continue her sobriety on her own terms. Besides I have my OWN stuff that I need to work on and I am doing that. I just want to be able to support her in a HEALTHY manner without jeopardizing ME in the PROCESS. Thank You ALL Again and I will continue to come back and seek answers to my questions.
Get into the meetings and take a wide open non-judgmental mind. Sometimes that is easy and other times for other reasons very difficult. Recovery is very challenging as it should be because we learn to wear different kinds of glasses and look at life with a much wider frame. We also get to look at it all and ask our selves the question "how would I feel and what would I think if it was me...." No unless we are also addicted most often we will not be able to get into the alcoholics or addicts shoes for a while how ever if we keep coming back with that wide open mind we will start to pull it off and come to understand. When we come to understand we change and most often the changes seem so much like miracles...therefore the title of this site...we are Miracles in Progress. ((((hugs))))
