The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight my AH is playing mind games and I've opted out. Not my kind of party.
He was snooping in one of my journals, but doesn't want to talk to me, then of course the whole thing is my fault for various reasons . . . Lots of insanity. I'm glad my alanon tools kept me calm and clear, and glad I could detatch when I felt manipulated by his comments and demeanor towards me. I found compassion for him - his anxiety, fear, insecurity, etc. are familiar to me. I have wanted to snoop in the past, a few times I did and it only made me feel worse. It is still not acceptable but I don't feel mad as much as I feel clear - clearly our marriage has issues, clearly I need alanon, clearly I am growing in my program because I feel okay and I feel like I can get through this.
I left the room because he was being unpleasant and making remarks about me that were picking a fight, shifting focus from his actions. I won't be part of that. I have tea and a good book to attend to.
I'm trying so hard to keep the focus on my side of the street and doing what I need to do to feel happy and healthy . . . I feel like I can do the right thing and act out what I think I should do like a chacter in a play but it is still so unnatural for me.
Of course today my feelings are clear and strong - I don't want to be in a relarionship where the other person feels it is okay to snoop, or is otherwise avoiding open honest communication. I do still have compassion for his actions, and I am upset at the lack of an open dialogue about the behavior and the feelings leading up to it. I feel like I show up ready to talk and listen, and he finds excuses and ways to avoidd those conversations.
All 3 of mine have snooped around my room, my papers, etc. Of course, my boys have also taken things which can't be replaced and I could tell you war stories about their ways.....I took action - all of my writing is now on a computer, password protected. All of my other private things are locked up tighter than a drum and I have a lock on my bedroom door that I lock when I want to - if I am gone and/or if I want privacy.
I know the lock has been picked and entry has happened in spite of my efforts, which is OK. Anything that is important to me is hidden so far away they could/would never find it. All of 'these steps' may sound insane, but going the extra mile helped me feel secure about my private things.
It took me a while to get over these events, but coming to realize that the disease affects decision making, the moral compass and just about everything else, made me realize they are doing what seems to be acceptable to them....it's part of the disease and I can't change anyone but me.
So sorry that your privacy has been violated by one you want to trust. Know that you are not alone and we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I dont feel violated by what he read, I would have told him any of that stuff - it was my recovery journal with some poetry and other writing. I feel upset about his decision to snoop instead of coming to me with his fears and feelings. Knowing how alcohol has affected his decision making ability and emotional intelegence/moral compass helps me understand it even as I choose not to accept it.
He finally shared his fears around infidelity or some kind of emotional affairon my part that led up to the snooping- there is none of that going on of course. But he said some things that made me think he's noticed a change in me. His actions don't make me hysterical, I'm "distant" and calm when I talk about being at peace with the idea of separating, I have stopped having sex with him due to a lack of trust. . . I feel like these are good things for me, healthy expressions of feelings and calm clear thinking. I think it is also confusing for him because he is losing control over the situation.
He agreed to call a marriage couselor and book an appointment I'm waiting to see if that actually happens. I think he wants* to want to call but has fear around doing it and will find excuses not to do it. I do the same thing, I will call and make myself an appointment regardless of his ability to follow through.
Tara - I agree - you sound serene/grand! I fully understand where you are and I think it shows promise for your relationship that he was able to share his concerns. I agree that he must be seeing some changes in you - which means growth is happening....in my family, when I began practicing detachment, they had no clue what was going on. It was an adjustment for them and I, and we got through it!
(((Hugs))) - keep doing you - you wear it well!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thank you Iamhere - it helps to know the practice of healthy detachment can be an adjustment and you were able to get through it with your loved ones
My stomach is all jumbled and I have concurrent feelings of excitement and fear regarding counseling and the process of getting AH and I to an appointment together. In this case, fear means I am doing the right things even if I don't feel safe.
One worry I have is his desire to address our relationship issues while holding his addiction aside, as if it has no bearing on our marriage. I feel like it is huge and central to the problems that keep coming up for us, but he wants to shift focus to something, anything else. This of course is a silly fear in some ways as any skilled therapist will be able to help us work through all of it. And if AH continues to minimize the effect his addiction has on us, and on me I can choose to handle that in a healthy way regardless of his actions or perspectives.
This however is scary for me. I want so badly for him to see things my way, to suddenly want help and want recovery, to be this imaginary perfect version of himself. Part of me wants to convince him, to talk him in circles until he can't find his own words anymore and instead starts singing along to my tune. It is a funny thing to grieve for a version of someone who never existed, to grieve an easy way out and a simple quick fix to generations of heart ache. I am coming to see how much more real and beautiful true healing can be, and learning to be patient with the process.
Tara - I wish, so wish I would have had Al-Anon exposure prior to my family attempting family counseling. It was for us, a total disaster....and it was that way because we each had 'our side' and we all wanted to 'be heard' and we all wanted to 'be right'....We tried 3 different counselors and between the group dynamics, the disease and 4 very strong personalities, it was very ineffective each time.
My hope is you have different tools than I to take with you. My hope is that you continue to heal in any way possible no matter how it/that goes. Denial (the alcoholic & us too at times) is a huge factor in the disease and for the A, it's easy to assume my action is not hurting anyone else. I know I thought that way for a long while - I had blinders on and it's a selfish disease, so I never really stopped to consider how what I was doing affecting others - honestly - I didn't care so long as the fuel still flowed.
When I sobered up, the pain at times of that train of thought sent me right back to my solution at the time - alcohol. It's a vicious cycle how it affects the thinking, and gets even more complicated if there is a physical dependency.
I had an aunt who has passed that always said to me, "If you are worrying, you are not praying." I added that to my tool box and use it often. I try to calm my mind/stomach with prayer when I begin to worry - no matter if the worry appears valid or not...
(((Hugs))) - the program will allow you to get through anything so long as you keep your focus on you. Keep doing what you are doing and know we're here for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I love reading this ESH on MIP because it actually causes me to be excited about working this program. I've been in for a long while and still the disease is much much older that my recovery. Mahalo family...I'll keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Jerry - "the disease is much older than my recovery" - - I'm drinking in this wisdom
Iamhere - I love your aunt's words too.
I am seeking peace though a visualization - I exhale and all of the dust and cobwebs of expectations and wanting to be RIGHT or wanting to control blow away, these things swirl into the air and become magic. I had been tinkering in meaningless dust, weaving webs that only obscured the things I wanted most. What is revealed after they are gone is reality; soil, sun and wind. It is here that I can get to work. Plant tiny seeds and nurture change.
He doesn't have to agree with me, or hear my perspectives, if he is showing up ready to work on us maybe that is enough. If I am showing up ready to work on myself, I know that is enough for me.
