The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone! I have been reading, not responding much. I have been going to f2f meetings more, still difficult with them being an hour away, but always, always so glad that I go when I get there :)
Nothing much has changed in my life. Active AH. 3 teenagers, each showing their own signs of this awful family disease...I have been better about working my program but have such a hard time staying in that "serene" place! Tonight I was feeling especially "tired of everything" and I just couldn't help but nit-pick at my AH's nonsensical talk (I know, insanity...doing the same thing, expecting a different result...I'm so stubborn! Ugh!) He does this thing where he gets on some topic and starts "lecturing" and goes on and on I get so tired of it and my kids get up and leave, but I had just had it with the stupidity of what he was saying! My oldest daughter, 18, finally says "will ya'll stop picking on each other!" And leaves the room. She gets mad about something else a little while later, storms out (she can't go to her "dream" university because we can't afford the out of state tuition...but let's not mention her crappy grades and the fact that she does nothing but watch Netflix) so I go to talk to her and tell her that she can leave after she graduates and if she wants to go to that certain university, she can take out loans and pay for it herself. I try to tell her she can't blame "her" dreams being crushed on us - she has to make them happen. That's when she says it: "I know you hate dad, but why can't you just ignore him? You know he is going to talk about crazy stupid stuff, why do you respond?" Ugh. I don't hate my AH but I guess it looks that way. I'm just so frustrated with this life and I know that is my own fault. It really stung to hear that from my child. I thought to myself "wow. She's right! Why can't I just ignore it? What good is picking at the stupidity?" Tomorrow I will start over once again. It's going to be a great day!
(((Fairlee))) Remember my friend that by living with the disease of alcoholism, we too develop many negative coping skills that we need to unlearn in order to recover. By attending meetings, using the tools, reading here and reciting the serenity prayer you are doing just that. It is a process and takes time.
Next time you can validate your efforts to your daughter, suggest she join you and move on.
As Betty said, we too have to unlearn things in order to find our serenity. You have awareness today and your daughter helped you see something a bit more clearly. I would count all of that as a positive. thanks for sharing! I know it's hard when our own defects of character come out and someone else is keen to point it out to us in a not so subtle way.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Fairlee))) - today's been busy here so my hope is by the time you circle back and read up on your post, you've been able to have a great day - the Al-Anon way!
Your post brought back so many memories for me. I recall when my oldest said to me one night - You know - he doesn't love you any more and hasn't for a long while...
I was not completely surprised but certainly a very clear image of the affects of this disease popped into my head. I almost bit and asked, why do you say that? or something similar, and God gave me instant grace to say nothing...
My oldest (23 - 24 in one week) still suggests we failed him as we are not funding his college. He tried really hard to flunk out of HS and gave up everything good at that time to chase his own addiction/disease. I might go to my grave with that perpetual haunt of 'it's my fault....' but I hope through the grace of recovery he understands one day. And if he doesn't, so be it - I know my truth.
This is a disease of progress, not perfection. We are imperfect humans doing the best we can with what we got. We slip and fall but I always come out on the other side grateful for the program and tools to pick myself up and try again. My thoughts and prayers are with you - you aren't alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
