The material presented
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Hello. I've attended several meetings thanks to a friend who told me about Al-Anon. I do have difficulty in opening up probably because I come from a family of alcoholics and I'm still learning about boundaries. It feels good having them in my life as I have noticed the effect it has had on my adult children. My brother who is an alcoholic is turning 50 in a couple of months and will be throwing a party to celebrate. They want me to fly interstate to be there of course. My issue is that I've recently spent time with him as my other brother was close to death and during that time I watched him drink and take drugs daily to cope. I used boundaries there and remained loving despite how stressful the situation was. He was grateful our brother lived but it made no difference on his disease and in the spirit of celebration he wants me there for his birthday but I am struggling to justify the economic cost and the rational one - where I will watch my brother self-destruct as my other brother celebrates the fact he is still alive. I feel like I'm letting them down but inside I believe it's wrong for me to cheer them on in their conduct. I don't have any peace right now and it's early days for me in Al-Anon.
Delta Welcome I found that when I accepted the simple reality that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive fatal disease that could be arrested but never cured, I could then understand that I was powerless over this disease.
Being powerless over the disease, provided me with the best choice of actions that I could take in order to take care of myself. By examining my motives, and seeking support from alanon face to face meeting I was helped to make new healthy choices that supported my family while protecting my own principles.
Good Luck
I know what that's like having been there myself and I learned I could be among them and that and just remain loving. I was capable of that while also being capable of being angry and judgmental. When I let go of my moral feelings about the disease and those who participated in it I could love unconditionally. That has many benefits for me. Keep coming back and make sure to check into the meetings and participate there also. ((((hugs))))
I know what you mean and thanks for the replies. I am powerless and it's ok. In fact, it's a relief to let go. So I'm probably tackling where I stand because I have had to cope with my own addiction issues and it's important that I make healthy choices for me. I know my brother's friends who for the most part are fun but drugs and alcohol play a major role in their lives. I have to ask myself what am I doing subjecting myself to pain and trauma - because that is what those kinds of environments trigger off in me, therefore putting myself at risk? I'm not judging my brother, I love him but I actually feel violated making this sacrifice for his happiness.
Welcome to MIP Delta40 - glad you found us and so glad you shared.
I come from a long line of party animals - most still very, very active. I choose to not call them alcoholics as I know from my own journey to not label another person....but allow them their own journey. The beauty of recovery, no matter what stage you are in is that your goal is you - your peace, your serenity and your truth. No matter the reasons, you have the power to make a choice about going or not going.
Al-Anon has taught me that Yes and No are complete sentences. I don't have to justify anything to anyone. I can do what works for me, and over the years I have attended things when I felt spiritually fit and skipped things when I was not so.
I have learned that I am not so important that fun will cease if I don't make it. I have learned that I can attend and love unconditionally too. You have the power to make the choice and today I choose to do what is best for me, and not another.
You are not alone and talking about this with a sponsor and/or trusted program friends may help you realize there is really no wrong decision. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad you are here. I know some of us tend to feel guilty if we don't show up for celebrations for the alcoholic. One thing to consider is that, as you know, alcoholics often behave badly during those celebrations. The worry about that can make us unhappy and apprehensive about going. That's a natural consequence of their drinking. If we go anyway, out of feelings of guilt, in a way we are erasing that natural consequence and their experience of it. We are acting (as they wish us to) as if their drinking really doesn't have any bad effects and doesn't make us want to avoid the parties and their behavior. In a way that might be considered enabling. If we follow our natural instincts and stay home, we are getting out of the way and letting them experience the consequences. Not to say that one or the other decision is the right decision. Just that there is another way to look at the choice not to go, other than feeling the guilt that we have sometimes been trained to feel.
Thank you both so much. It's very personal too. My father was always drunk before he could say 'I love you' to me. My brother's drunken affections are more than I can bear. It's too much to ask me because of the journey I've had.
