The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I'm here out of desperation; I read thread after thread last night and wept, since I could have written way too many of them. I have looked for an in-person Al-Anon group in my town and found one, although it doesn't meet until next week. As an introduction, my spouse has always been a drinker but I have managed to ignore it for years. (The day before we got married my MIL revealed that his father and grandfather were alcoholics and she begged me to not let him get close to the booze. I already knew he drank just figured we wouldn't mention it to her. My advisor at school knew us both and she called me long distance to tell me it was a bad idea to get married to him. I blew her off too.)
We spent a lot of time in different places for work so I actually didn't have to See/live with it much. In the last year a lot of stressful (money) things have happened (well, it has been building for nearly a decade) and I finally realized that AH will never "man up" and "do the right thing", and that he has exactly 1 coping mechanism - alcohol. In the past year our work has finally brought us into the same place (because I recommended him for a position in my area) and now it's every day, all the time, in my face. Which was something I was able to keep "at home" until a few months ago when AH showed up to work buzzed. My boss called me in and gently asked me about this - because several people had noticed. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I didn't realize that it was so obvious to other people. And then I realized that my head has been deep in the sand. Now, I am lucky, because my boss is a friend, and we have a long work history together and was as kind as anyone could possibly have been. He didn't fire my spouse. He asked me point blank "if there was something that needed supporting" (like counseling or whatever) and like a deer stuck in headlights I just said No.
Spouse and I had a talk; boss and spouse had a talk. Everyone agreed that it was a one time thing, would never happen again, we would all forget about it. (I'm guessing you have heard this one before...) Things were not good, but the bad times stayed "at home". (Drunk every night, talked stupid to kids, passed out oftentimes before they went to bed.) Then some unexpected medical problems arose in him (that, not-so-incidentally, are related to excess alcohol consumption) that resulted in several months of medical crisis. I started to hope that we had "hit bottom" but I have realized that that wasn't even the rim of the hole. Yesterday he came to the kid's evening school event drunk. And I realized that he was very likely at work that way too (I just didn't See him myself so I didn't know). We went to a restaurant afterwards and he parked in two spaces at once. I made him move, mostly out of fear that someone could come and say something, and then it would be apparent in public that this person is intoxicated. We live in a tiny town and it would take all of 10 seconds to get back to our work.
The only nice part of this is that he went home and passed out. This morning, he apologized. But he thought my reaction was way overboard. "I didn't kill anyone." I was like, "that's your standard?" He said that he didn't think he was as bad as I said he was (slurring speech, unsteady gait, nearly passed out while sitting down). I told him that the next time I would film him. Of course, even as these words came out of my mouth, I felt like I wanted to die. Because I know there will be. I just don't know when. (I'm guessing that today is a good day. Tomorrow too.)
I just realized that a solid chunk of my daily thoughts and actions are related to covering for him. Until a few hours ago, I almost gave him my last credit card to max out for a trip to see his friend even though we have no ability to pay the medical bills that are coming in. I realized that I was hoping that if I gave him this money, he would be so happy he might not drink. (When we had discussed the med bills before, he said he had no intention of paying them for "awhile" - that "everybody does this".) Did I mention that we've had utilities cut off before, and collection agencies calling, and I'm not very happy to return to those days. So when I had a moment to think, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, I decided not to give him the cc. But then I found out that he had gone ahead and maxed out his bank account and is going on this trip. I was weirdly glad. (I still have a CC to use! We can still eat! He gets to go on his trip!) He said that him being on this trip would give me "time to cool down".
After this train of thought (and the sun came up), I got to thinking that none of this is right. I am a highly educated, successful person with a big office. I'm a "pillar of the community". I'm a "good mother". (I do 97% of all the parenting. He covers the video games.) I'm hiding in my office right now in the dark because I just can't take seeing people right now. I have lots of friends but they are all work related so I cannot tell anyone about this. I feel like it has cut me off from everyone because I am afraid to have social conversations lest it get too close to "how are things at home"? I am so ashamed on so many levels I can't count. And I'm angry, and sad. I'm trying not to cry anymore because I do have to leave the office in a few minutes and be in public. I have one friend in whom I confided (long distance, she doesn't live here). She grew up with an alcoholic dad and she said "you can't do this alone, you need help, it's not your fault". So I started to look up family counseling in my town but I don't know how to figure out whom to see. Then I looked up "what is AA" and eventually found my way here.
I told him today that I planned to seek out a counselor or a group. He thought that was unnecessary. "We can just talk more". I told him that whatever he thought about this, I am struggling and I need some coping mechanisms. (Especially for when the day comes when he loses his job, which I'm guessing will happen at some point in the not distant future.) I mean, I am a very good manager, but i hardly know what to do with all the ugly thoughts in my head right now. I let our youngest kid get in the car with him when he was drunk in hopes it would show I trust him. (Well now I'm thinking that the "good mother designation" might be a little generous.) I hate myself for that. I hate myself for spending hours on the computer looking for a cheap ticket for AH in hopes it would make him happy to not drink. I hate myself for being so stupid. I would like to crawl into a hole and hide indefinitely but my kids need a real adult at home so that keeps me going.
Welcome to the boards! I think you will find a lot of comfort here. I too am new to these boards and started working on my first steps recently. I'll be honest it's hard to take that initial step and let go, but once you do you will realize that you were carrying a large weight. Your husband is sick and no matter how hard you work unfortunately you can't cure him. I was working so hard to help A, if he missed something at work I was there picking it up. Left a beer can behind the barn where he works I was throwing it out. He was the same, brushing it off, it's not a big deal. I finally realized that it's not my responsibility. I have no reason to be embarrassed for something that is out of my control. After I tried to calm my fears of judgement and not doing the right thing I feel like I am finally making those first steps to healing myself and taking care of myself, which I do have control over.
Just read both of your threads, and wanted to say, it takes great strength to reach out for help, so you both show great courage. My wife, like many others, is under the illusion that asking for help or admitting you have a problem is a sign of weakness. I know the opposite is actually true, and I like seeing people reach out for help on problems they can't fix themselves.
You already know what a great place this is, and I am so pleased that you have reached out - that is when things start to get better because guess what, your friend is right, we can not do this on our own, and really, truly, why would we want to anyway?!
Sending you huge hugs, because it sounds like you've really been doing your best to hold things together and you must be exhausted. It sounds from what you have written as though your boss/friend can perhaps see what is going on and is probably as conflicted as you about the situation. Through Alanon I learnt not to stand in the way of my husband's consequences. I respected his choices, but I didn't have to be a shield all my life!
I wonder if you have face to face Alanon meetings in your town? They are a great place to listen and everyone there is in the same situation that we are - who knew there were so many of us! And that we were such a great family as well!!
Those ugly thoughts don't need to define you - I can't speak for others but I know that I've had plenty of them and I didn't like myself much as a result either! The flip side is that I have not acted on them, they are pretty normal under the circumstances, and our part only needs to be that we take such wonderful, loving care of ourselves that there is no space for an ugly thought to get through! Life can be fun, you can be proud of your achievements and we are allowed to forgive ourselves as well as forgiving others. (((((Hugs)))))
Welcome You are not alone so please do search out alanon face to face meeting and attend They saved my sanity and my life. In addition please do keep coming back here.
Welcome to MIP Fedora - so glad you found us and that you shared. Your friend is wise - you shouldn't have to go through this alone - you are no longer alone...
We all have different stories but many of the same emotions. Al-Anon can give you what you are looking for - more about alcoholism and tools to help you cope, live, be happy and walk away from the shame, remorse, etc. that the disease brings about.
We focus on ourselves in Al-Anon vs. what our A (qualifier) is doing. We learn about the disease and then we work on ourselves to act/react/be different/better. This disease is considered a family disease, as it reaches beyond the drinker and affects most family members in different ways.
There is hope and there is healing in Al-Anon. Whether he changes or not, you can and you can find freedom from the insanity, drama and chaos. Please keep coming back and know that we're just a post away!
If you can't get to a F2F meeting and want to 'see' a bit more what meetings are about, there are 2 here each day - check the top left for the meeting schedule and a link to the meeting room.
Glad you're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello everyone and thank you for the encouragement. I located an upcoming F2F meeting in my town. Question- do I have to tell someone/register for a F2F meeting or do I just show up there?
Hi and welcome
You just show up, it's anonymous!! The anonymous aspect is taken seriously by members too. You don't have to speak, you can just sit and listen if you wish.
Meetings are wonderful. If you find you don't like the first one please try again; we suggest going to 6 before making a decision.
Good luck and hope to hear from you here again!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
What she said!!! Just show up. It's been my experience that folks might approach you asking if you are new. Once it's known that you are new, usually you will get a beginner's guide. It has some things to read and reflect on. Meetings are typically one hour long. Sharing is optional. Donations are optional. And, as MissMel shares, it is anonymous so if you see someone you know - it is OK...
Please let us know how it goes for you! Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hey Fedora. I can tell by the way you write you're educated, intelligent and thoughtful. What I would relate to personally as logical and someone who likes to give others the benefit of a doubt. Alcoholism is unfortunately a horrible disease that exploits kindness, and is cunning, baffling and powerful. Please keep coming back, its good to meet you.
One more question - on the website for my state where one finds lists of meeting places etc, the meeting seemed to indicate that it is an al-anon meeting. But when I looked it up on the town online community calendar/newspaper, it said Alcoholics Anonymous, no mention of al-anon. Is it possible that the meeting is for both groups, but just splits up at some point?
I think it's very unlikely. I'd suggest calling the number on the al-anon website and asking. The people who made the community calendar might not know the difference between AA and al-anon...that's the first thing that came to mind for me.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Aloha Fedora...you are well on your way to getting started and are now a member in a very large family of supportive and caring friends and relatives of alcoholics...we know where you are and what you have been thru and we have lots of EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE to give to you freely...As you recovery so do we. Keep coming back.((((hugs))))
Fedora - in my state, both meet at the same place and the Al-Anon meetings are often in the same room as the AA meetings - just at a different day/time. Actually, in my state, there are no stand-alone Al-Anon meetings - they are all held in an AA Hall. So, yes - it's very likely what you suggested is the reality - different rooms or different nights/times.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
OK, thank you. I tried calling the local number but no one answered. I'll try on the website. In the meantime I'm going to try an online meeting. I can't begin to tell you what a much-appreciated seed of hope you all have given me. The mere possibility that I could figure out how to live without drowning in his issues sounds like a dream. I haven't told my spouse that I plan to attend a meeting. But once I find that F2F meeting time for real I'm going to. My first thought was, "oh no, he'll be mad and insulted. Maybe I won't tell him". Then I thought, screw that. I am so sick of being a prisoner of silence. Can't tell my family why I struggle at family gatherings, can't tell my friends that I am miserable, have to make up lies to kids (Jack Daniels is "medicine") ... When I read the responses to my original post, I just cried and cried. (Out of relief.) I don't know why I thought I invented being married to an alcoholic, but apparently my heart/brain thought I did. Thank you all very much. :)
-- Edited by Fedora on Thursday 17th of March 2016 03:08:57 PM
If there is a # for the AA meeting you might be able to call them and ask if they know of an Al anon meeting there.... usually they know :)
Some tell, some dont tell their A's if they attend meetings. Its a personal decision, glad you are here! Welcome to the journey, hold on for the ride :)
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Fedora you are at the right place, face to face Is a great
Place to begin your journey. Some people do online mtgs
too, whatever You can find. There are three daily readers
to purchase and A lending libary at most meetings also
That is where you find sponsors.
Alanon is all about you and your recovery, how we can get
Sane and happy again no matter what. You do not Need to
discuss your recovery with your ah. Your changing And growing
helps you and your relationships with others.
Great share and awareness, we need as much support From
good healthy people as we can get. I know i do and its a process
That takes time.
Fedora, hugs to you!!! You are not alone. so much of what you have said, I Have felt. Trying so hard to think of ways to make them happy so maybe they don't use. It's exhausting trying to think of all the ways we can manipulate a situation to control another person's actions. A good sample of this would be when Mine would say he was using because he was depressed. Then I would go through all of this trouble to plan an exciting fun date night, to cheer him up, and then I would show up and he'd be so high that he couldn't even hold his head up. Then I would be resentful because I went through all of this trouble to try to fix the situation and it didn't work. Now, through turning the focus on myself, I learned that it really has nothing to do with him. I can plan fun things and if he is unable to go due to his state, then I suppose I will just go by myself. And guess what? I learned how to have fun by myself.
I'm glad that you found us. Again you are not alone. I know what it feels like to isolate myself, because I'm just so damn tired of making up excuses. Not wanting to get close to people, and not being able to vent these things out will drown you.
Keep coming back!
-- Edited by kspec85 on Thursday 17th of March 2016 04:38:06 PM
I want to join in welcoming you to the boards of MIP and Alanon. I'm so happy you are here. Don't give up hope for yourself.
There is nothing you can do for the Alcoholic. But there is hope, serenity, courage and lots of other stuff to find here.
I have been where you are and all you want them to do is JUST STOP DRINKING!!!!!!!!! If only if it were that easy to just wish that dream. They have to want it.
When you hang with an alcoholic, we get sometimes sicker then them, we try to hide it because we feel shame and guilt and want to keep the secret that makes us feel isolated and all kinds of other emotions.
Please keep coming back. We are just like you , just in different phases of recovery.
I can very much relate to your story! I actually lived on an island with less that 600 year round people and thought I hid things very well in regards to my exAH. The work aspect can become a good thing, because if he gets caught again they can give him the option of rehab or losing his job. Going to my first al-anon meetings took so much courage, but I faced it and haven't stopped yet, absolute best decision of my life! I found my wonderful beloved sponsor there. She gave me wonderful books to read that helped enlighten me immensely! The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie started my journey to where I am now living a life I could have only dreamed! Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I just wanted to update and say that I finally got confirmation of when the al-anon meeting is. (Someone called me back.) Apparently it is at the same time but in a different room as one of the AA mtgs in my town. I also managed to get connected with a therapist through my work and have an appointment set up. I'm trying to stay present in my head and not let it run down all the dark corridors 24/7. Having these two resources on my calendar makes me feel like I am doing something about this whole situation that might actually be fruitful for me. And eventually fruitful for him because frankly the only thing that is going to happen if nothing in either of our lives changes is that I will just continue to hate him more and more and any shot at recovery for either of us (or our kids) will be in the toilet.
I also decided not to mention my participation to him at this point, unless it comes up and he asks. It occurred to me that I don't know how to say that I'm doing this (going to a meeting and seeing a counselor) without it being a not-so-subtle jab at him. At this point I won't be able to contain my disdain for his-denial-of-the-problem out of my voice. So this is all for me, and if it happens to benefit him, well, merry christmas to him.
-- Edited by Fedora on Monday 21st of March 2016 02:52:20 PM
Great self-care Fedora - please let us know how your meeting goes!! One day at a time, one day at a time!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
