The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all my son (37) is not a qualifier. However, he has been non-communicative since I left his Father 18 months ago. Early on he responded to an email that he did not want involved in our stuff that he had enough stuff of his own to deal with. I have respected that and never mention his dad. It has been easy because he has nothing much to do with me. But I need some advice. I have emailed, called and texted my son about once every 2 weeks since Christmas at the end of each I tell him I love him. When his wife was out of town, I asked if we could have dinner one night. No response. I have told him that I know they are busy but just wanted him to know I love him. Recently I have asked if we could get together to celebrate his birthday. No response. His sister is coming to visit and I figure he will come over to see the grandkids and no one will mention anything and he will leave and I won't see him until she comes to visit again, Mother's Day or Christmas. I will have to drop his gift at his front door like last year if I want to give him anything for his birthday. He is not siding with his Dad. He is probably not communicating with him either. Before our split there we all had a great relationship. He may not respond to every call, email but most of them.
Today I am beyond sad...do I just ignore it and be happy with whatever he offers me? This has been the hardest thing about this split.. it tears my heart out..
(((Hugs))) - this disease does cause damage beyond what we feel, see, experience and it does hurt.....Our program suggests one day at a time. I've experienced moments of estrangement with both of my sons, and my best tools to get through this are remembering that it's one day at a time, and this too shall pass.
If I want others to respect my boundaries, I need to respect theirs - even if I don't understand or agree with them. Keep your focus on you and what is good and working and not on what's broken, uncertain, unknown. When I can stay in the moment, these situations don't seem quite so bad/sad.
Prayers for peace within your family!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In my world, it just depends. I pray about it and follow my heart. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. My goal in my life is to not impose my will on others. I don't always know what to do, but I do often know what not to do. If he's made his wants/needs clear, I would abide by his wishes...whatever that may be.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hi Pjwa ))) This is a painful time and I too would suggest that you accept that we are powerless over others and let go of the situation and let God. Respecting another's boundary is hard but extremely important to our recovery.
The C2C speaks of a situation such as this . The Mom continued to pray for her child and one day the child reached out. Mom needed to learn patience and trust in the process -so keep taking care of yourself, hold positive thoughts for your son and:"Let go and let God .
I know that when I wanted some space and distance from my mother and she kept trying to make contact (or "force contact" as I saw it), I regarded it as pushy and intrusive. I don't mean to call your actions by labels, I just mean where I was coming from in my own situation. I think I would have felt better if she had sent a note saying, "I see that you want to be by yourself right now, I do love you, and I'll wait till you're ready to be in touch, and I wish you well." That would have said to me that she respected my boundaries and really did want what I wanted, not just what she wanted.
Your situation may be different, of course I can't speculate, but just to give one perspective from the other side. Men especially, I've noticed, seem to need to go "into their cave" to heal. Frequently when they do that, their own pain is all they do or can focus on, though often it's very painful for others as well.
This is hard. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
I am sorry that you are sad. At this point I would not continue to reach out. Your son will reach out to you when he is ready. I really liked what Mattie said...I think a note like that could be well received by your son. Sending you thoughts and prayers. Keep focusing on you.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Monday 14th of March 2016 03:08:06 PM
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I, too, agree with Mattie. I am not an addict but do have a horrible relationship with my mom. I think the note Mattie referenced is important (at least it would be to me)... As my mother never made any effort to reach out. Truly hoping he comes around soon. xo
Mattie, I really appreciate you candidness. I want to cut and paste what you wrote " "I see that you want to be by yourself right now, I do love you, and I'll wait till you're ready to be in touch, and I wish you well". Right now I want to give him space and will email him (cut and paste your email) a month or so after his sister's visit. His sister is coming in a week and I will probably see him. So, I will wait and send it to him when I drop his gift off at his house on his birthday... although I may have the gift bought when his sister comes and I'll give it to him then. I never want him to think the gift is a pawn to see him. I would like him to want to see me. His sister tells me if I over step and I respect that and we move on. TBH, I have seen him 4-5 times in the past 18 months and I live 3.5 miles from him. But I want to do the next right thing.
Your description of how you felt about your mom is really how he feels about me. I thought that my job as a Mom was to continue to reach out to him and tell him I loved him. But enough is enough. He is a man and he wants to be in his cave.
Jazzie and Jaclyn, you both are saying exactly what I need to hear. I am dense sometimes...lol
Jaclyn,
The more I thought about your mom not reaching out to you. I am so sorry for you. I know that hurts you. I must say that I never felt that I had unconditional love from my Mother. It was always conditional that I did as I as she advised. I was very controlled by her until she died. So afraid to not have her love. She told me once that she lived without me before I was born and could do it again. I was an adult by then which I am grateful. I know she loved me but I felt that it was conditional. As my I got older it was hard for me to make everyone happy the AH, Mom, my kids, etc. I had to set boundaries with her and she was always mad at me a lot of the time. When she died I felt that she was looking at me as if to say " do something, don't let me die." She had Hospice with her and there was nothing anyone could do. So I am telling you this because I never felt she was in my corner. She was so critical of me but she did love me. But look out if you made her mad. She would be done with you no matter who you were. She was untreated Al-anon. My Dad was in AA but I don't think she ever went to Al-anon I wish she had. I wish I had...
This is probably why I have not given up on my son but I have done enough at this point..
...
Pjwa - Thanks for your note. It is hard, especially while struggling both physically and emotionally, to not have a mother (she is alive but unavailable and unwilling in every sense). I am sorry for the family situation you experienced growing up - and again, I genuinely hope thinks resolve with your son soon - as you seem like an excellent mother. All my best.
