The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm very new to al anon, began attending meetings just 3 months ago. my story...
i'm married to a functional alcoholic for 24 years and we have 3 grown kids together. before attending al anon i was at a complete breaking point in my life but i felt i knew exactly what was the right thing to do to begin fixing my dysfunctional home. I decided to ask my husband to separate for a while so i can get my son to counselling as he is severely effected by the desease of alcoholism. My son is now 21 and will make his own choices whether he needs counselling or not, but he spoke to me and said counselling won't do anything if the problem is still living at home (his dad) which is why i decided to separate from my husband. I also wanted to leave because the drinking has also took a toll on me personally.
Since attending al anon my thinking has changed towards my husband, before i was very angry at him and couldn't bear to be around him but since al anon i'm learning a lot about the desease of alcoholism and reading lots of literature online and the books. I have started to feel extreme sadness, loneliness and fear with in myself.I also feel heartbroken for my husband, but i don't know how to deal with the issue and dysfunction at home. I feel numb towards my son and feeling more sadness for husband. I'm desperately looking for answers to my confusion. Now i feel like just walking away from every one.
my husband refused to leave and began playing the manipulation game of how he won't survive living separately. He stays isolated away from the family and protects his drinking, hiding it and drinking in his room only. I see that he does try to talk to me about very small things but i just cannot get myself to sit in the same room as him and have a conversation anymore even if he's sober.
Im hoping to get some good suggestions and will continue attending al anon.
-- Edited by jenny1000 on Saturday 12th of March 2016 02:53:00 AM
Welcome to MIP Jenny, this is a great place and thank you for reaching out.
Reading the posts of others here has helped me enormously and I love the Alanon principle that we can live our own lives with enjoyment regardless of the alcoholic's choices. I also love the principle of gently focusing on ourselves.
You have made some good, although difficult, choices. It makes me feel very sad to think about the affects that addiction has on everyone within its range. I remember feeling shocked as my awareness started to note what had gone on - it felt like a redefining of who I am. But I didn't want to feel sad for ever! It took me a few months to absorb what I was learning, to grieve a little, and then start to rediscover that I was still me and that I could feel love and joy again. I started this reconnection by thinking about who I was, what I wanted and cared about, especially when I was a young girl. I started to spend time with people who made me laugh, to take walks in countryside that I love, started new hobbies that gave me a sense of achievement and new interests in life. I guess that my trust in folks had been bruised, but not everyone is the same - I just needed some positive input in my life.
That turning inwards of anger, sadness, etc made me feel depressed and that can be a difficult hole to climb out of. I started small - painted my nails, nice hot drinks at bedtime, just little treats. It is ok to be perfectly imperfect and after having gone through a difficult time I think it is ok to ask for the space that we need to help our recovery. We are here to support and help - keep talking, keep taking care of you. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome Jenny I am glad you found us and are also attending alanon meetings. In reading your post I could easily see the painful results of living with the disease of alcoholism on your entire family. I could identify with your feelings and decisions and that is why I continued to attend alanon and was determined to develop new constructive tools to live by.
When I accepted that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured and that it affects the entire family in a negative manner, I worked alanon Steps with a sponsor, got my son to alateen and decided the entire family would benefit from these principles .I accepted that I did not cause the disease, cannot control it and it and cannot cure it so with that, came the huge decision to work on myself and become the person I needed to be to live life on life's terms with courage , serenity and wisdom . It works so please do not leave before the miracle
I know it's important for me to keep attending al anon. I haven't started working with a sponsor yet or working on the steps. I'm just becoming aware about myself and my surroundings. I've realized i've played a huge part in destroying my children emotionally. Since attending al anon i'm going through different emotions and today is a good day. Atleast i'm not stuck in the same desperate emotion of despair everyday, so seems like i'm stepping into recovery. :)
I used to enjoy cooking new recipes, so today that's just what i did. I'm going to start thinking about the things i used to enjoy and start working towards them.
The home situation won't change anytime soon, but i'm going to take care of myself from now on. My self pity parties are going to all be cancelled, if i find myself drifting into despair, obsession, sadness and guilt, i'm gonna try to "think" positive thoughts.
i'm feeling content today, even more after reading the response to my thread.
Welcome to MIP Jenny - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share and join in.
We will support you as best we can - we're family here. My best suggestion is keep doing what you're doing - meetings, literature, processing, self-exploration, etc. All your emotions sound normal to me, and while it stinks, it will pass as you grow and recover.
Keep coming back - you're not alone and we're usually just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
hi all
(((((hugs)))))