The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sifting through posts it's clear to see how much relationships suffer because of this disease. So many of us have thought about leaving, have left, etc.
Can one truly be happy with a recovering alcoholic in their life? It's truly a depressing thing to look at as I read through everyone's Sharings.
Even those in al anon recovery appear to have exes or almost exes. It would be great to hear people's success stories too-how the relationships worked. It seems as if relationships are doomed or on the verge of being doomed regardless of what work we all put into ourselves. Or perhaps this is just the nature of the posts on this board
My relationship is a lot better. Many would say they think it's weird, think i should be done with him etc but luckily, what they think is none of my business! I no longer live with my A partner and thus can mostly detach from the behaviours that I find harmful. I enjoy my freedom, I have found that I really prefer this non- living together type relationship. He makes far more effort, I am not full of resentment and can enjoy him when i see him and be kind/loving without anger...for me it's a win. Pre al-anon i would have been consumed with how relationships are 'meant to look". Now I see things very differently.
So, I'm happy and still have an alcoholic- not even recovering in fact- in my life. Being open minded and adjusting to what IS instead of what SHOULD BE goes a long way, I think.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 10th of March 2016 08:55:43 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
My relationship with my spouse was better after we both started to work recovery and live in recovery principles. I must add that this was not an over night happening but a process of which I am grateful.
He died of cancer after 6 years of sobriety and i am so grateful we had those years.
Alcoholism puts a huge burden on a relationship that is for sure. This board is wonderful but I know what you mean about reading all the posts usually from newcomers about how to manage in the beginning. I started in Al anon sometime in the summer. Although I am fairly new to it I have seen HUGE improvements in my relationship at home. I came into Al Anon looking for a reason to leave and now I don't want to leave. The tools I learned in al anon helped me to be better and feel better regardless of what is happening with my AH. One of the greatest gifts Al Anon gave me was my compassion for my AH. I can be kind and compassionate with him instead of defensive and angry all the time. Things between us are better and kinder and deeper than they were in the past. It has taken a lot of work on my part but I see changes in him too when he notices my change in behaviour and attitude.
Have you been to a face to face meeting yet? I dreaded the idea of a face to face meeting at first but it wasn't even close to what I imagined it would be. I imagined a bunch of sad stressed out people sitting around a group. What I found were friendly, cheerful people (not all but many) and I heard messages of hope and joy. The best thing I heard in all of it was the laughter. People were able to laugh at themselves and their life circumstances and that laughter, kindness and joy brought me back week after week.
My relationship with my AH is so much better now that we are addressing the elephant in the room. You can read my past posts. I first came to al-anon last March/April. I was on the verge of leaving my husband as I just couldn't detach with love and was finding it very hard living with an active A. He found sobriety (thank god) last June and has been doing great. I will say I was surprised at how sick I was. I thought once he got sober everything would be rosy but boy was I wrong. It took me months (and I am still working on this) to regain some of the trust that was lost to this disease. I still find it very easy to slip back into my old ways - getting too much in my head, the urge to search for bottles, trying to smell him to see if he smells like alcohol. Now I just try to examine my motives and see if anything is bothering me. I have also turned to meditation and prayer (something that I had lost for many many years). At times it is tough to trust and I still deal with a lot of resentment but I am so much happier now than I have been in years. Watching my husband interact with our two small kids has been nothing short of amazing. He sees the difference in them as well. I hope that he won't relapse but I need to just focus on myself and know that I will be ok whether he drinks or not. There is hope out there. Best wishes to you.
My relationship with my AH has improved greatly since Al-Anon. As I've grown and changed, and act/react differently, so does he. We never fight and actually spend time together as before - watching a show or a sporting event or eating a meal or ???
When I surrendered that I played a role in the chaos/insanity, accepted both of us as we are, worked to change me, my expectations and outlook things miraculously improved. As I keep the focus on me, they continue to improve. I worked OT trying to change him, fix him, cure him before the program and quite frankly, I wouldn't ever want the wrath of me and my Type A style of before placed on myself.
Relationships are hard work without this disease. They are even harder when any illness joins the family. When I accept that he's doing the best he can with what he has, and remember he is sick and not bad, I am able to love him freely in spite of the disease.
In my home group, we have many more who have stayed and choose to work on their marriage than have left/divorced. That's such a gift for me as I wanted to keep my marriage if possible. Staying or leaving is a personal choice, and the program gift I received about my marriage was the right to choose. The decision is now always 'known' to me, I just see no reason to give up if I can be happy in my own skin.
There is always hope (another lovely gift I got from working this program).....(((Hugs))) - great topic!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It depends where you look. there are members in my homegroup who have remained with their partners, drinking or not. I left but im in the minority in my home group. I dont think either is a doom or gloom thing. I left and it was the best move I ever made, some stay and its the right thing for them. To remain in the relationship takes good solid program work. It takes knowing alcoholism and studying the new way of thinking Alanon offers you, like your life depended on it. It takes letting go of all your old worn out ideas and ancient thought processes passed down to you from your ancestors. Letting it go and taking in a new way of thinking that the rest of the world just doesnt get, thinking differently from your peers is not easy in the beginning but its brilliant.
Your happiness doesnt ever depend on whether you leave or stay, its an internal thing, its inside you to make you happy. Alanon can get you happy, do you want to be happy? It is a choice in many ways and is never dependedant on your partner, alcoholic or not.
For me, today I have a better relationship with my RAH, I know and understand love today, I am no longer his mother :) - we have compassion, communication and friendship. I will take that for today :) I am grateful for the 12 steps!
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
I am happily living with my recovering alcoholic wife at this point. She just drank again last night, but I know pretty much what to do when she does, and this morning we were able to have a bit of a talk about it before I had to leave extra early for work. Our talks are usually pretty good once she is sober, and until then she is passed out.
She is trying hard, and doesn't relapse too often, so it's not as hard as if she was full-on active and denying everything.
