The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two years ago I fell in love with an older man who is intelligent, charismatic, adventurous, kind-hearted and compassionate; he is also an alcoholic. Out of ignorance, I felt the disease would not manifest as a problem in our relationship, as he has been proudly sober for 17 years. I didn't know what a dry drunk was, or understand that the effects of addiction could persist so long after the substance has been removed. I did not fully understand how the disease could permeate every aspect of his life, his relationships and his perspective of the world around him. I did not realize how welcoming the alcoholic into my life would inevitably change my life, my relationships and my perspective of the world around me.
There is not a shred of logic to the sacrifices I've made for the relationship; I've moved cities, I've dropped out of school, I've lost friends, I've lost family, I've lost myself, I've become insane. I don't laugh anymore, I don't smile, the brief moments where I experience glimpses of gratitude or hope are quickly smothered by the alcoholic creating novel catastrophes to erupt over. The fighting never ends and I know all too well that I can never get back the time spent depressed, angry and resentful. Not a day goes by that he does not blatantly lie to me, suffer from delusional thinking, or emotionally collapse at the slightest breeze. I've never felt constant anxiety, fear or abuse like I have as a result of being with a dry drunk. I'm exhausted from listening, caring, and trying to love this manipulative man who is incapable of loving himself. I've lost control of my life and am terrified of the unhappy and unhealthy person I am slowly becoming as a result of months of constant emotional and physical abuse.
I'm clinging on so tightly to this idea that AA/Al-Anon has worked miracles for so many people.
I've heard again and again that the disease will never really go away, nor will I ever regain the life I have lost to it. I may regret my decision to stay, but I can't ignore the love I have for this man when he is healthy and have tremendous respect I have for his dedication to recovery: he attends four AA meetings a week, has a wonderful sponsor, an addictions doctor/mentor, a therapist and a relationship councillor, all of whom he consistently consults on a regular basis. He's completed the 12 steps countless times. He's trying as desperately hard as he can, but can not get a grip of the disease, his anger or distorted and irrational thinking. He understands the extent to which it is destroying me.
So, after 17 years of desperate and dedicated sobriety, is it realistic to expect any change or is this the truth of what I can expect the rest of our lives to look like? Will anything ever change?
Thank you for reading, I look forward to and appreciate your thoughts,
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. I hope you will find a face-to-face meeting. We need our own recovery too.
There is a saying: "When people tell you who they are, believe them." I bet everyone on this site has steadfastly ignored that truth until they couldn't ignore it any longer. Many of us have "starved on diet of hope" for a long period - waiting to get to the wonderful relationship which seemed to be in the offing, which appeared very briefly from time to time, and which we felt we could grasp onto if only things were a little bit different...
The truth is that what we see is what we get. If the alcoholic/addict/abuser is going to change, the right sequence is for him to change first and for us to be in the relationship afterwards. Not relationship first, change down the line (which very often means never). And in truth, why should they change? We reveal by our staying that actually the current situation is fine by us. We reveal that we'd rather put up with it than leave. So they take us at our word.
Meetings, literature, reading on these threads, maybe getting a sponsor - all of these can provide the tools to live in new and happier ways. I hope you'll dive in - there are miracles in store.
Hi there, and welcome to the boards. My ex was a dry drunk for 15 years of our marriage until he began to drink again. He didn't work a program, though, but he was proud of his sobriety. Unfortunately, I always wondered what mentally ill person I would be dealing with from day to day. My marriage was just as yours was. I'm sorry that you are struggling but Al Anon was the answer for me.
As Mattie said above: what you see is what you get. Sending you lots of support tonight.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome Caitlin, Alanon face to face meeting helped me to regain my self esteem, learn from the painful events of the past and have the courage to change myself with the constructive tools that the program offered.
You are not alone as there is hope and help--- Keep coming back
Aloha Caitlin and welcome to the MIP board and family...That was a sad read for me remembering the large amount of hour I spent try to figure "them out" which never happened. Then I found out in recovery that my task was to figure me out and understand the "my part" in it. That was an extradinary adventure for me because while I had learned so much about "them" I knew nothing about me and didn't even know that I didn't know.
Rock bottom is solid ground cause you won't go down any further...it is all up if you are willing and courageous. Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book (almost always cause we are planet wide) and if you call that hotline number you will learn where and when we get together around you. Come early as a chair is waiting for you and the fellowship will be ready and able to support you as we are here. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Hey Caitlin - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share and join us.
I love your awareness - you suggest you are at rock bottom and you admit that you've lost yourself in this disease. That's great self-awareness and will help you help yourself. AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for the family and friends. Alcoholism is a family disease and it truly does affect and impact just about everyone in the path of the disease. You are right that it's never cured - only arrested through recovery.
Both programs use the 12 Steps. Both programs use many of the same slogans. Both programs try to encourage focus on self. I am a double winner (AA first, then Al-Anon) and have seen miracle upon miracle on both sides of the house. So, I always hold out hope for growth, change, peace and serenity - no matter where it happens or when. I've seen just about everything you can imagine in 28.5 years of sobriety - long-timers drink, short-timers have a spiritual experience, dry-drunk-denial, dry-drunk-recovery....and I am always amazed at the miracles that can happen.
I met and married another Alcoholic. We both had 5-6 years of sobriety when we met, we dated for almost 2 years and then married even a year beyond that. We got pregnant 2 months later, and our first child arrived before we were married a year. We got pregnant again and had our second child before we were married 3 years. We had both been married/divorced before but certainly did not plan that.
I suspected that he was drinking but he lied and denied. That went on for almost 8 years. So - best I can tell, he relapsed between the birth of the 2 boys. I didn't find proof until the boys were almost 8 and 10. We were very independent when we met and married, he traveled for work and I had a FT job + college + 2 kids. He was smart, sneaky and well - an alcoholic.
We will celebrate 25 years of marriage next month. I, like you, completely lost myself in this marriage, in this house, in this family. My boys are 23 and 21 and both are alcoholics. They've had a horrible time with this disease and it just about put me under - chasing 3 active drunks around trying to herd them, control them, manage them and cure then. They were fine (jail, rehab, etc....) because I made everything flow as well as it can in this chaos/drama.
When I found Al-Anon, I wanted people to show me how they fixed 'this'. What I learned was I could only work on me. If I was willing to be honest, keep the focus on me and work this program + steps, I could find peace. Not only that, I would learn tools that would/could help me keep from falling down each time their disease flaired up in any capacity. It does work and you are worth it. Choose you, your future and your happiness - what will be with him will be as it should be.
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring and nobody knows how another will be or change into or ??? The plan has not yet been shared with any of us. But what we do know is we can choose to get healthy, act different, react different, establish boundaries and detach from others who have their own emotional baggage. Stay focused on today and do a few small things for you (meetings, reading, literature, etc.) each day to get you headed towards the recovery path. It's a one step at a time, one day at a time journey.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He's not a dry drunk if he's going to 4 meetings a week, working with his sponsor, working the steps, and seeing a counselor and a therapist. Something is not adding up though. There's no way he should be angry, starting fights, resentful, depressed, and everything else you mentioned. Alcoholics usually act like this when they ARE dry (no meetings, not working a program), but it's odd he's living like this while continuing to go to meetings and, it sounds like, working an AA program.
Its true they may always have the illness, but that doesn't mean that you cant regain or even have a better life. It also can be that he's just not nice, drunk or sober..
This is your time to take care of yourself and focus on your serenity and happiness. You cant change him, but you can do something for YOU.
