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Sometimes after a slip up my AH will come to me and apologize. Last night was one of those nights, I was able to detach from him. I had very little interaction with him in that state. This morning he calls me on my way to work to say "sorry" for last night. I struggle with how to respond to him. Today I went with "I know you are, and I know you're trying." To which he replied, "not hard enough, apparently." I changed the subject, so he couldn't ruin my commute with his pity party. Just curious what responses others might have.
One response is a simple "accepted" and/or a hug and continue to detach...Keep it simple for me kept my ego and pride at bay and cut down on my opportunities to make it worse. (((hugs)))
I'll be curious to read what others share because my response in my mind is always sorry for what exactly? A real amends is actually naming the hurt and discomfort caused I am sorry for this action that I took that cause xyz consequences. No excuses no JADE'ing the situation.
My XFIL called my XMIL and said he was sorry for everything .. I had a great pause over that to myself thinking umm .. that's not an amends as she called it or I didn't feel that it was because these types of blanket apologies are way to vague for me. I am not familiar with your situation however for some reason today I was wondering what I would do if my XAH ironically called and said he was sorry .. lol. Again .. sorry for what exactly?
Anyway, sounds like he was looking for a reason to get into the pity party mood it's never enough, nothing I do is good enough blah blah blah .. honestly I don't know what I would say in that kind of situation. I tend to shoot from the hip and not in a mean way just in a I need that to be more defined way which is not always a good answer in specific situations.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can so relate! I get a lot of blanket "sorrys" and I'm sure he has no idea what he's even apologizing for. Sorry should be acknowledging what they are apologetic for and a commitment to not repeating the behaviour.
My AH is very good at 'quitting' for months at a time, but when he restarts, he usually tries to hide the behaviour and then apologizes when I find out. I have told him that he doesn't have to apologize for his drinking. It's an illness, and I can understand that. I tell him that I have a problem with him hiding the behaviour, as it feels dishonest and makes me feel like I'm his parent, not his partner.
I really liked how you acknowledged his apology, but moved on immediately to avoid the 'pity party'. This resonates a lot with me and I hope I remember it when AH is in the 'depths of despair' next...
For me it depends. Usually I know what she apologized for, because the root is the drinking. She doesn't do much beyond passing out after that - usually. And very rarely actually does anything "to" me, because I detach as soon as I detect it.
So, I usually say something like "accepted', and move on. Because sometimes she is still drunk, and waking up from it and realizing she screwed up and drank. She is usually in a delicate state then, and will deny, rationalize and yell, so I go to full on detachment/JADE. Once she has woken up from that, she is scared as a bunny rabbit, then after that I usually get the "real" apology. I don't beg her to call her sponsor, or beg her not to drink again, at that point it is usually an "accepted", along with answering any questions about whether our son was involved or not, is he safe, etc. Making sure she knows I still love her, I will always love her.
Keeping calm and not overreacting, she has told me a numebr of times it has been a big help for her to stay reasonably anchored after a relapse, instead of my natural yellfest about "why the hell would you drink again blah blah blah".
This puts knots in my stomach. I don't have a pat answer. I know my AH says a lot of empty apologies, and empty promises and all it does is tear at any trust that is left between us. I decided I no longer need him to apologize or need him to go through the theatre of promising to do better, to quit for real this time. I feel like he was saying those things because I wanted him to or because i expected him to say something - he was fulfilling a role I set our for him rather than speaking from his heart.
The last time AH had a slip he immediately swore he had doubled his commitment to getting sober - - but did not seek any kind of support or program. The promises and apologies were empty because he was still sick, he is afraid of looking at his disease and though he wants to get better, he can't.
I am curious to read more responses and think on this as I am sure there will be more of these apologies in my life
I learned from my sponsor to say, "Thank you for apologizing." And that's it. I don't accept/respond/negate - anything else. Mine all know that 'Actions Speak Louder than Words' for me, so I stay as detached as possible and just say, "Thank you for apologizing."
For me, this allows me to continue processing as/if I need to, and gives them the dignity and respect of acknowledging their words.
I struggled with this for a long while and either said, "You should be." or "I Don't Accept." or A LOOK w/No Words or No Response at all. My programmed responses were immature and automatic. So, my current response is my best to diffuse and allow me to do whatever I need to.
Great topic family - great responses too! More to consider for me and my tool box.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I do that too. Thank you then on to something else. I remember yearning to hear I'm sorry. When (much later) it came my way, I felt nothing. Hmmm I am with Iamhere's "Actions speak louder than words". Yes, that's the apology I value.
-- Edited by Jill on Tuesday 8th of March 2016 03:44:41 PM
Similarly, I have said "I appreciate your apology". I think that my qualifiers have apologized in the past merely because they noticed my detachment/upset/anger and ultimately they just wanted me to be "myself" again which is generally an upbeat, positive person.
They we sorry not for what CAUSED the upset (their behavior) just sorry that I was not feeling great about it which made them feel guilt. Now I know to just forgive and move on so it doesn't make me feel resentful all day and make them feel guiltier which is pointless for me to "pile it on".
Active alcoholics just can't acknowledge their wreckage. In sobriety, I recently really got a sincere apology from my daughter. She was short with me on the phone after a stressful work day (hers-not mine). When she came in, she marched to me and kissed my check and said "I'm sorry I was short with you on the phone." As SerenityRUs pointed out, she knew what she had done-verbalized it and was sincere and loving in the apology.
That's a real amends--an apology I truly appreciated.
