The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For as long as I can remember I have been the receiver of crap. Layers upon layers of crap that weigh me down to the point when I look in the mirror I just see crap. So tired of lugging all that stuff around with me all day long and not being able to make anyone happy. Even now after just surrendering to AH disease, where that pile of crap was on my shoulder, someone else wants to place another pile. No, I felt so much better with that spot empty. Obviously, I have collected the crap for so long that I am now a hoarder of crap. Soon I will have to take an inventory of the crap and return each piece to its rightful owner. However, it appears they don't want it either. I am getting some resistance. Does it get worse before it gets better? My A is not comfortable with the me that has claimed powerlessness of his disease, but its not just him, its pretty much everyone who has lent me their guilt disguised as crap over the years. Why are you acting this way? Why do you seem so distant? What is wrong with you? I am trying to detach myself and they are all clinging to me like flies! Why? Because they need me to hold their crap! Any suggestions on how to dump and sort my bucket of crap without the argument of it belongs to whoever (me) who is possessing it?
It is a process and takes time. Change is not welcomed by others and they keep insisting that we "change back" The more we can stay detached with courtesy and kindness the better all around. Meetings help
This reminds me of how I felt when I first started setting boundaries with the people around me. Most of the close people noticed the changes in my response and how I started being focused on bettering myself. I really thought everyone would love this, however they were not comfortable with the changes and liked me stuck in the muck. The good news is as I changed and became healthier so did the people I surrounded myself with. Keep up the good work!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I can relate....I just stopped and detached. I quit waking people up for school/work, stopped reminding about work/appointments, and just did my own thing. If I was asked to help, and I could, I would. If they did not plan well and ended up in a reactive position (all the time....), I helped only if it didn't change my plan/day.
My son has finals this week and 2 sick kids. He called a bit ago and wanted me to watch them tonight, Wednesday and that's as far as we got. I told him I could not tonight but could help part day on Wednesday. A few years ago, this would have made me be dismissed again. Nowadays, he knows I am giving what I am willing, and he can accept it or decline it. He even does it now with dignity and some respect where as before, by the time the call ended, it would have been my fault the kids were sick and he had finals and I wasn't available and.....on with the drama.
So - it never is perfect but it does get better.....just keep doing your thing and working your program....my qualifiers were not happy campers when I stopped being the PIC (Person in Charge), PS (Personal Secretary), TD (Taxi Driver) and all the other roles I took upon myself to be. But, I'm far less stressed, far more at peace and they've adapted quite well!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I work around a lot of codependents In
my line of work before it did not bother
Me now i bristle up strongly.
My mother is highly dysfunctional i keep
Giving her boundaries, limit time i talk to
Her, try to keep my life my own, NO is a
Complete Sentence. Some people will
Not accept healthy boundaries then you
Have choices to make.
Keep embracing your face to face alanon
Meetings. It is all a process and it takes
Time for us to change and grow.
We did not get like we are overnight
So learning boundaries and detaching
Does not come natural or easy in our
Relationships.
I love your post. I'm sorry but it cheered me up. I totally get what your saying and it sounds like your doing brilliantly especially going bu the amount of crap coming your way. It lessons as long as you stick with it. Eventually the tools in alanon provide you with a crap proof coat and everyone gets the message.
Thank you all ....so its not just me....good to know! Ironically, had an interesting phone call from one of my other qualifiers my 23 year old son, who has never shown any type of responsibility since he first got a taste of the good stuff at age 15. Would I please complete his fafsa....he wants to try school again. Hes dropped out more times than I can remember. I said no. He was very offended. What do you mean? I should've used the No is a complete sentence phrase. Because, what I got was a load of crap that was an attempt to make me feel like crap. I did however tell him that the place that did his taxes should be able to run a fafsa for him. Told him I loved him, assured him he would be fine and hung up. It makes me a little upset to realize that they would rather see me burdened with their crap, and them happy rather than all of us, happy and in charge of our own crap.
