The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my AH was discharged from rehab he was given the tools to help manage his recovery. I was given nothing besides the number to his sobriety coach and the direction to pay attention to the warning signs. It was suggested that I try alanon but there was no meetings in a 20 mile radius, I couldn't fit the distanced ones in my work/parent schedule with travel time and meeting time. My AH was first very humble and grateful to have a home to come to, was very involved in his recovery, worried about meeting his 90 in 90, and shared with me his fear of the "pink cloud" landing too harshly, and how he was using the first tender moments when he came home as his antitrigger. I was elated. I was convinced that everything was going to be ok and we were going to live happily ever after.
HA! The first time I got a reality check was one week out of rehab he comes to me to tell me that he put a deposit down on a new vehicle without discussing it with me because he felt the new version of himself needed a new vehicle. I was gentle but firm and calmly stated I was not going to cosign and that it was unrealistic because he hadn't gotten his license back yet and how hurt I was he didn't discuss it with me before hand. I remember thinking wow how selfish and this man is almost 50 years old and is acting like a self centered teenager. I spoke with his sobriety coach about this and she said its normal for As to want a reward for getting sober. To pay attention because if he is denied his reward he may start to use again. OK but things were going so well. We were sharing things, we were affectionate, he was meeting his responsibilities, and awake and not passed out on the couch in the evenings. I was so happy
Fast forward two weeks, AH came home from AA meeting different. Distant. Sleepy. Moody. He dropped out of outpatient as it was too much for him with AA and work. He had gotten his first "shot" of Valtrexone and was having some side effects. It was going to be a very emotional week we knew this and I was extra alert. He had his first appointment with a therapist to address his "deep seeded issues" and the long avoided court date to address his drivers license. His therapist appointment was at 4 o clock, I texted him at 2 pm to reassure him. He thanked me and said he was leaving at 3. I asked him to text me when he left. He said ok. 3 pm nothing 315 nothing 330 nothing knowing it takes 45 minutes from work to the therapist I was anxious. I texted him at 330 inquiring to his whereabouts. He replied he was just leaving he got tied up at work. I was a little annoyed. I expressed this feeling in my reply. So he called me, and I was suspicious because of the sound of his voice. He was off. So I started to ask some questions. He got mad and told me I needed to stop worrying and stop looking for signs that he had slipped. It was his sobriety. He was very curt about it. Ten minutes later he called me and told me he was on the side of the road having a panic attack and he couldn't go to the therapist. I talked him through the panic attack and he came home. Next day was court. I offered to take him because his license wasn't restored yet and I wasn't a fan of the driving without a license thing he was doing. He declined. Ok. I came home from work and went to throw my trash from the day in the outside trash can and there it was. A beer can. His brand. The trash was just picked up the day before. So it had to have been put in there last night. It felt like someone punched me in the gut. I was so disappointed. He came home from court with a success story. i congratulated him and asked him about the beer can. He was offended and denied it was his. The next day I woke up and checked the bank account and there was $300 missing. I asked him about it when he came home and he admitted it and claimed it was for a court fee and his license restoration fee. But very dismissive. I went on the hunt. Found the receipt in his truck for a fine. No license restoration though. So I asked. Story changed and he paid restoration with the credit card. Checked the credit card. Ok yes it was there. Great. But wait there was also a charge to a liquor store the night before I found the beer can. I called his sobriety coach. I was told I had to confront him. An alcoholic who is focused on his sobriety would not go to a liquor store. He has slipped. I was told I have to get him back on track. He still had not found a sponsor. Push him to do so. I dwelled on this for 8 hours. By the time he came home I was in my own anxious rage. I was livid. I went in to orbit. I was like a prosecutor who had just found the smoking gun. The argument was awful. I was so confused and hurt.
I relayed the encounter to his sobriety coach and how hurt and confused I was. I was told to do whatever I had to do to confront his denial to get him back to sobriety. He had slipped. Push him to get a sponsor. That day I went and bought a Breathalyzer. A few days later I reminded him that I needed the license restoration letter to get to the car insurance company. I was not comfortable with the whole thing with license and insurance thing. I was assured that it would be taken care of by the end of the week. Nope. I reminded again. Stop nagging. Reminded him how I felt and was reassured it would be taken care of. The next day I was told it was taken care of and was given some bs story about why he did not have the restoration letter. I knew he was lying. Rather than argue in my frustrated state I gave him a deadline. I reminded him of the deadline daily. Day of the deadline another bs excuse. I again went on the hunt. I found his DMV on line services pin and pulled his abstract. Sure enough he was restored but why wouldn't he get the letter for me. I went off! The argument was fueled with accusations of mistrust and nagging and trying to control his sobriety and his failure to meet his responsibilities and how could he do this to me. I shouted out what I was directed to do by his coach and what he is doing wrong. No sponsor, lying, etc. He screamed at me that he did now have a sponsor and he is trying to learn new behaviors in the lying and I have to be patient. Patient? are you kidding me? Why didn't he tell me he had a sponsor? What is going on?
Two days later, he called me to tell me he was going to be working late. He was off. I asked him about a time frame so I could hold off dinner. He didn't know but would call me when he was leaving. Three hours later he walked in the door. I was immediately set off by his aloofness and the fact that he was chewing gum. I asked what happened to calling me when he was leaving. His response was his usual self loathing remark when he is using. Oh no. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said no. I asked him if I needed to pull the Breathalyzer out and he called me on it. I had tried the thing when I first got it on just about everyone just to make sure it was accurate and it seemed to be. He blew a .036. His excuse was first the Breathalyzer was bad, I then used it on myself and I got a 0.00, then it was the gum, and finally it was he took cough medicine earlier. Yeah right. I was devastated. I cried for 3 days. I was so hurt. I couldn't function. I couldn't keep food down. I couldn't sleep. I was nasty to everyone.
I was pulled aside by a close friend who knew of my situation and was watching me unravel. You need to try alanon she said. I explained what my problem was about the meetings. They have them on line....wow.
Still a newbie here but already I have learned that this is not my disease. I didn't cause it. I can't control it and I cant cure it. I don't know what my boundaries are yet. But, I have begun the process of distancing myself from it. Today I am working on me and working on step one. But its a start.
My sense is that you are not being well-served by his "sobriety coach"...It feels to me like he is trying to get you to be responsible for AH's sobriety, slipping, lying, etc. I hope that you will be able to distance yourself to the point that you can start making the boundary choices that are yours to make, not the "sobriety coach's" suggested ones (if you can even call those boundaries!)
I feel for you. I am constantly testing, failing, and regrouping around the issue of boundaries. My "aha" moment came, though, in one meeting, when I did not repeat the Serenity Prayer, but listened only. And I heard a strong chorus of voices telling me to try to grasp the concept that what I cannot change is him...What I can change is me.
Hello Fooled, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to many parts of your story - specifically the hope upon his exiting rehab and subsequent debilitating devastation when he fell off the wagon. That, and the need to snoop - catch him in lies, etc. I know the horror... I'm glad you are here. All my best.
Hi. Fool my partner who I am separated from has been in recovery for about 6 years fighting alcoholism. He has been to rehab and is a member of As. It's so hard when they seem to be moving in the right direction then fall. This illness can not be cured only arrested. My Abf was two years sober working and we were getting married and buying the house he was so much better. He went to lots, of meetings. But the drink is only a symptom when they drink they feed the underlying mental physical spiritual illness. My ex has been using g again for over a year and it has, progressed he is so ill.
Now about me and, my recovery every time he went up and down I did too I need up a, log sicker than him. I was on anti depressants I was so a grey so depressed had given up. I lost myself. When he broke boundary this time I had enough recovery and carried out the consequences. While he has been on this relapse I have gotten a sponsor. I am working the steps. I do online and face to face meetings. I use, my phone a lot I have a great network of recovery friend. I read the literature and of course . Pray and, meditate with my higher . Power. My life . Is good today I change the things, I can. He is so ill its so sad but I can not control his illness or recovery. I just try and be a good role, model by working on my own. Keep coming back hugs Tracy
Its sad but true, Relapse is part of the recovery. Sobriety is a process unfortunately and there is not a cure.
I am just dismayed by the coach making you responsible for his sobriety...you can assist your husband, but you are not there to enable him and support his impulsive behavior. Impulsiveness is one of the side effects of Alcoholism.
This is the time to really step up your Alanon tools and solutions. He is going to do what he is going to do. You cannot prevent it. You can only stay on your path and only have the power of yourself
So glad you are here - breathe a sigh of relief because you are among lots of people who totally get where you are and what you are going through. Hugs! It is a hard thing to deal with day in and day out but it becomes easier, one day at a time :)
Thank you all for understanding. For the first time I feel like I am not crazy! I believe I was used by his sobriety coach. To be honest it was a little too much responsibility to deal with. I have since told his coach not to call me anymore because I am not a part of his sobriety. He is a part of his own sobriety. The coach told me that without me he is doomed. He needs my support. He has my support. I love my sober AH. The actively using AH is disgusting. I feel bad about the Breathalyzer, but in all honestly, I think he knew he was not going to blow a 0. I think this was his way of admitting he fell off the wagon without actually saying it. I was empathetic for a little bit, but then I was like wait Im enabling him to be in denial. I don't know how I am going to stop the detective work and I don't even know where to start with the boundaries. I don't like seeing him that way. It reminds me of my childhood and seeing my father puking all over himself and peeing his pants was disgusting. One day at a time...right?
How I stopped my detective work with my alcoholic/addict wife was...I fired myself from the job. I wasn't qualified I told myself and it was dishonest of me to think and act as if I knew how and was qualified and then....I went to college to learn about the diseases and found out I really didn't know the disease...I did learn and let go of my spouse. HP decided that I learned enough to get a position as a family therapist though...HP is very humorous I find out. ....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I was the alcohol police for a long time. It paid very little, caused immense stress and I became overwhelmed. This is a great site. Read the message boards, get books, attend meetings. Good luck and take care.
Welcome to MIP. If you can stick around here you will find the sobriety coach's approach is not followed here. You won't find people making you responsible for someone else's behavior. You will not see us taking the blame for another's sobriety OR recovery. It is theirs alone.
You will come to find slogans and an understanding that allow us to diminish our own crazy-making. We all go on the fritz when we follow them down the rabbit-hole. That's why we're here.
That coach and what he or she tells you? ouch! Really? I think if the huge army of people who have been affected by someone else's addiction could have made them stop, we would have. There would be no need for recovery for them or for us. There would be only celebrations and thanks. But it's not so.
I hope you can stick around, read, attend meetings, work the steps and all the other techniques to restoring our sanity which are revealed just by being here.
I too welcome you to MIP! I have 3 qualifiers and also tried to play a roll in their recovery. I failed and retired officially from the sobriety police department.
As stated above, Alcoholism is a progressive disease that's never cured but can be arrested through recovery. I too went up and down with each high/low of their journey and just felt broken, and so devastated. I also found Al-Anon and found the support to leave them to their journey and protect my sanity with boundaries, detaching and self-care. I still get sad when there are backward steps or extreme chaos/drama, but I have tools now to help me move forward and trust God's plan for us all.
So glad you joined us here and are engaging! We are support for each other and MIP is a lovely group. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
