I went to a face to face al-anon last night and it was great! I was able to talk about my feelings. Afterwards, I had a wake up moment. I had been feeling like a victim-feeling bad, and then all of a sudden, I saw my part in the alcoholic relationship. What was my part? What did I say or do that made the situation worse? I made a list of things I did and said and it was not pretty. Its no wonder the situation exploded last week. Its no wonder the crisis happened. I see that we both pushed each other to the extreme limit. I saw my part and I see that I am not a victim. I participated through my words and action to make the fire into a huge burning explosion and he got mad. I see that I had pushed him and pushed him and he reacted. I did this and I need to forgive myself for this and take responsibility for what I said and done, ask for forgiveness and not continue to add gasoline to the fire. I need to walk away, think, not react, protect my boundaries, not  JADE (Justify, argue, defend and explain). If I do not like the situation, I can remove myself from it. If it becomes hell on wheels, I can move out. No-one says I have to stay. I am not a prisoner. I do not have to take crap. I can leave anytime. The door is there and no one is standing there saying I can not move out. No one is holding me hostage.

So I thought how can I change the situation, and I see that it needs to begin with me. Be kind, respectful, and remove myself if the situation is not to my liking. The ABF is going to drink and get drunk with me there or not. That is how it is. I can not change who or what he is. He is an active alcoholic-that is the current state. What am I going to do for me when he is active? How will I treat him when he is active? I need to stop being judgmental, acting like god-I know what is best for you and you better follow what I say, I need to be kind and respectful and treat him like a human being, not a dog, and see him as having emotions, thoughts, ideas, a person with his own rights to do as he wants and needs. If he wants to drink and talk to himself all night, he has that right, this is a free country. I just need to remove myself from him for the time being till he is somewhat sober. I need to protect myself what ever that looks like so I do not have to be around his drinking.

My head knows these things yet, my emotions are still so connected to him. I am working on why, why am I still so emotionally connected to him, and want to try again, try and save the relationship? I know he reminds me of my mother (alcoholic, exact same behaviors, talking to self, ect). I think I am emotionally connecting with him from a child perspective rather than an adult.

My sister is older than me and she finally divorced her alcoholic husband and she said to me, at our age, (I am now 50 years old) we do not need to take crap from a man. (ABF is 54 and still actively drinking and creating craziness). We deserve better. I have been having this roll around in my head but emotionally, I still feel connected to him.  What is wrong with me? why can I not walk away? what is keeping me connected to him emotionally?

I went to an AA meeting and I spoke with this lady I know and my god, she laid it out for me.  She gave it to me with all barrels and said you do not deserve to be treated like crap. I left the hour long conversation with her, drained. I got mad afterwards at what she said is not only true but I found it to be very black and white thinking, there was no in between. I found that hard to accept. She said, to me are you sane now or insane and I am like what? she says if you drink your insane and can not make right decisions for yourself. If your sane your sober and can make right decisions for yourself. I said, I am currently sober, so I am sane. She said then, get your things packed up and leave while he is work. He is not expected to return from work till Thursday. She said, the hell with the house, the comforts, ect, just leave and have no contact with him. I just sat and like, just pack up and leave? I am just not ready! I am not prepared. I am just not ready! 

Then my sister that lives in the city here started on me to, get out, the hell with his bullshit. Leave. I am hearing this but my heart is not ready! She says at our age we do not deserve to be treated like crap and put up with another person's drinking. She said al-anon is not going to help you get out! Just leave.  

My head is spinning!

I talked about what I was feeling at a al-anon meeting last night and it helped so much to let it all go.       

I just had to release this awareness I had. Thanks for listening!