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I have been obsessing about the alcoholic. I want to call him and really see if he is at work. My mind keeps saying he is lying about working and he drinking. Last night I was obsessed that I texted him and texted him. He finally called and he was mad. He said I am not drinking and I am in the town by his camp, where he works. He said to me what is wrong with you? Are you drunk yourself? I was not, but I could not believe how insane I was. I thought, what is wrong with me? What if he is drinking, he is 5 hour drive away. You can not stop him. He confirmed to he is working all weekend and I could tell by his voice, he was mad, focused on what he was doing at the moment. I acted like an insecure child. He hung up the phone without any mushy words. He just said bye. I got angry,like how dare you treat me like shit again, talk to me like shit, to the point like a child. I went back to reading the big book of AA and went to bed. This morning, I am tempted to call him and I thought why? to get more bullshit, to be made to feel like shit, to be disregarded like a rag again. To be made to feel like I am at fault. To be sternly talked to again, like a child. I thought no way, things are quite here, why create pain for myself.
I was also thinking again about his anger toward me for not having a job. I am on medical leave from my job and have an income of my own and he gets mad at me for not working. He says I get up everyday and work for 12 hours a day and what are you doing all day-you get to sleep in. Your not sick. Your not sick at all, your just wanting to not work. When he says this, my blood just starts to boil, and I react to what he says and the fight is on. I think I need to respond with you may be right and walk away from him rather then trying to defend myself against his words. I need to start practicing that-you may be right statement and walk away. I know and the doctor and my work insurance all know the truth. I do not need his critical input. When he starts with I work hard all day and says I am not doing anything, I just need to not let it bother me. I know the truth. I get so angry when he believes I am useless and do not want to work at a job. I do not want to work, and I have a job, but I can not go back now. I will when I am good and healthy. His critical judgments make me so angry! I have to let it go and not take it personally! That is his opinion and every asshole has an opinion.
When I think about this and things he says, I am like I am not going to under any circumstances contact him! No way, why so he can bash me down again, so he can critically degrade me again? So he can say I am lazy and useless? So he can use me as a garbage can to vomit his anger, hurt, shame, guilt on. NO, I will not chase after him.
joker - this for me is a great example of where a sponsor would be so helpful....instead of reaching out via text/phone to my qualifier(s) when I'm obsessive, I text/call my sponsor. It brings me back from the ledge....so to speak.
It works when you work it. Keep the focus on you and not on him - anyway you can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to ask the hard questions because I totally understand where you are at .. at some point I revisit that place and get so irritated with myself.
If you knew he was drinking again where ever he was at .. what does it matter?
Can you control the disease? Him? Will it make a difference if you know? What is the emotional payoff for knowing if he's drinking? After all he's doing what you asked and that's not drinking at home. I used to hallucinate that I had so much power over my X's disease .. after all I was the reason he drank .. I was the reason all this bad stuff happened to him .. I was the reason he was able to survive in his pitiful world. Realty .. good luck with that .. I'm just not that powerful. The disease of alcoholism is baffling, cunning and powerful .. much more powerful than me.
For me it was just for lack of a better term validation of what I already knew .. he was sick, I was sick and we both needed things to be different in order to heal. If he was drinking it didn't change the situation it merely pointed out that I needed to do something different for my own sake of peace and wholeness.
I fully agree with Iam .. sponsorship is a must because it keeps me from acting out in ways that harm me. I often have to ask myself do I want to be placed in a position of having to make any kinds of amends. If the answer is no then I have to do something different. Honestly .. if my X is drinking or not drinking it's really none of my business. Even when we were married that rule still applied .. he's going to do what he's going to do until he gets sick and tired of it.
For me the only time that doesn't apply is if it hurts the kids financially, emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually, then you are dang straight I do have something to say .. I speak my peace and then let it go. Better yet I don't say anything and let the attorney's handle it based upon the situation.
The worst thing I can do is stay stuck in that mode. I like the AA saying move a muscle, change a thought (I think that's the one). Go for a walk, call a friend and reach out to listen to them, call my sponsor, read my lit whatever it is to yank me back into the reality of me.
Big hugs,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
