The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you know I started a new job last week. It's been an eventful week at the new workplace. As I suspected my new boss is an ACOA. She got word that her biological father died this week. He left her and her brother when they were very small with their mother who was a violent alcoholic. My supervisor told her story to all of us in the office when she received the news. The messenger of this news suggested that she come to collect any of her biological fathers things she might want. Consequently, I only spend a few days this week with her at work. In keeping with anonymity, I won't get into too many details about my work but what I can say is that I am working in a very emotionally charged environment where life altering decisions are being made and anonymity is essential. To be honest, it's of an emotional landmine and it's a bit of a mystery to me why hp has directed me here. Suddenly, all the invitations to interview have stopped despite the many applications I have out there. A few weeks ago, I was interviewing three and four times a week. OK hp I get it... this is where you want me. lol
So this is where I could use a little help. I want to acknowledge my new supervisor's loss but realize that a typical sympathy card would not be right for this situation. Sadder yet, I have a small book that gives examples of things to say concerning losses but none even remotely close to addressing the feelings of loss in an abandoned adult child compounded by the death of the absentee parent. I know I need to "Keep It Simple." Beyond that... not sure what to write in a card. I just know that to not acknowledge this wouldn't feel right to me.
Thanks very much for any suggestions of comforting words for a circumstance like this. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
oh gosh, that is tough. Personally, I would buy a blank card, not a sympathy card, and say something simple in my own words, that I know she is going through a very difficult time, and wishing her strength for the process. She will mostly remember the fact you took the time to reach out, and directly acknowledge this, rather than any particular words.
And for you, I wish YOU strength and calm as you operate in this emotional landmine, trusting that it is all part of your process.
Sometimes the less the better, a friend her husband Committed suicide she took offense to condolence cards Long after the event. You just never know when there Are landmines what is the right thing to say.
Just yesterday saw a woman i know at her work, her daughter OD. What do you say, i kept on walking. Normal situation You can say sorry for your loss. The girl that od was in her thirties.
(((((( hugs ))))
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 28th of February 2016 04:52:43 PM
You have only known her for a short while. I would buy a blank card and write something simple. I would say Sorry for your loss. You don't know what she is feeling
about the situation.
She already broke the anonymity of the disease within her life and family? You know where she is at and what she is going thru and suggesting where and how you found help and support wouldn't be a miss...let her know then let her go...turn her over. ((((hugs))))
As someone who has lost a loved one to the disease, I found that when anyone simply said "I am sorry for your loss," that was comforting and very much appreciated. There is a lot in those words to let us know we are not alone in our grief.
TT - It's an office place of employment and my personal experience is to keep personal and business as separate as possible. I would be inclined to follow the lead of others who are already there. I am very private about my recovery and never disclosed when I worked outside the home - just never wanted it to help me or hinder me in any way...
Perhaps a group collection for a plant for her desk? I believe any effort you put forth letting her know that you are thinking about her and sorry for her loss would be appreciated - even a standard sympathy card. That's just me though and my frame of reference is getting burned early on by disclosing too much about my personal life. I go to work to work; I don't go to make friends or socialize.
Sorry your first week was clearly well beyond expectations or anything imagined!!! (((Hugs))) and prayers that next week is a bit more normal!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you (((everyone)))) I appreciated your responses. I also felt a blank card expressing condolences would be best. She is carrying some unresolved resentment concerning him which she openly expressed to us. I was a bit taken aback by the depth of information she presented to all of us. I think I'm sorry for you loss is rather all encompassing and would be safe way to go in this situation. I am going to fill the card out with just that statement and sign it. I hold onto it in the morning to at least see if anyone presents a card for employees to sign.
It's not my practice to discuss my recovery in the workplace. I'll see over time how things will evolve with her and myself professionally, how well she separates her personal and professional life. She may come back to work regretting having given out so much personal information. At least for the sake of my own job protection, it was told to anyone within earshot. So to unring the bell would be to let go of most of the staff. Honestly, if she were that reactionary it would be a blessing for me.
My program works if I work it. I have never given up my anonymity at work even when others have openly disclosed their participation in 12 step programs. I respect others right to make the choice concerning this that has been best for them. This is a boundary I set long ago concerning separation of professional and personal life. I can be compassionate, helpful at work as she transitions back to routines this week, keep learning my new job and focus on myself.
Thanks for your es&h TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I tend to send flowers and then run and hide when other people are grieving, I have no idea how to handle it so I was interested in other's responses.
I wonder if, from what you've described about your work environment, your sensitive and caring nature are part of what has made you desirable for the job and so any offer of concern would probably not be considered amiss? I think simple is the answer; I think I'd just say "let me know if there's anything I can do to help" and that leaves it up to her whether she wants to interpret that as an offer of emotional support, or to pick up a little slack at work or whatever she might actually need.
Anyway hugs. It's hard for your boss but also I wish there wasn't this uncertainty so early in your employment!! Hope it all works out for the good.
(((TT)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks ((mel))) I appreciate your kind words. The group did decide on flowers and found a very simple card. I did put one of my own on her desk as well since I work directly with her. Yes, I felt the offer of help was appropriate and said it simply for her own interpretation. She has her own feelings and will feel them in whatever way works for her. We'll see her by the end of the week.
This has opened up some old wounds in me but I met with my sponsor and talked it out. She doesn't have any experience around adult child issues but it still helped me to find balance again and not project my history onto this current situation which involves someone I hardly know. I feel empathy but am working on healthy detachment concerning this. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
TT - so glad that you found a solution that worked for you.....also glad you got to process with your sponsor. For my program, she (sponsor) just brings about a sense of calm to my often chaotic mind. (((Hugs))) for you - hope this week is going well for you at your new job!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
