The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just reading some Toby Rice Drew material on line and I came up with a brillent idea as to how to deal with my ABF when he is using. Set up clear single boundaries with him for my sanity. He is currently sleeping off another drunk. When he wakes up, I decided that I will tell him to plan his drunk. Get his booze, get a hotel room somewhere in the city, and drink if he wants-no-one will bother him, nag at him, watch him. He can do as he wants! He goes back to work tomorrow-Sunday, and he will stay sober till Thursday night when he gets home. He will be home at around 11pm, there is lots of hotels in the city, he can stop somewhere and get a hotel and drink for as long as he needs. Be it two, three, days. It would be his choice completely and I will not be bothered. If he has the money to buy booze, he has the money to get a cheap hotel. I tried, go to the garage and he goes there but makes his way back into the house and continues to drink. Thursday night, he did not come home till 3:30 am. He got home from work at 11pm and went straight to the bar and someone brought him home and I was awoken at that time and listen to his bullshit till 4:30 am and went back to bed till 8 am. He was still on the couch drinking and talking to himself. I left the house Friday at 10:30 am and did not come back to the house till 4pm...I went and enjoyed my day, even went to a AA meeting at noon, and went for a nice walk by the river. He kept calling and I said I am walking near the river and I will get back at him later. He kept saying why is it that your always busy when I am back from work?, I said because I do not want to be near your drinking. He says I understand. I came home and he ate and drank two more beers and said I need to sleep. Off he went to bed. I just let him be..I had a good rest myself too. I woke up this morning and read on line here, and he is still sleeping. What ever, his choice. I am just grateful today that I am here and looking after me!
I understand that you have had a high level of drama and trauma going on lately.
Boundaries are completely fine. They are really about you and not so much him. There are always consequences that get put into place when boundaries are applied so be aware that for every boundary there is a consequence.
I set the boundary that my XAH was not going to be drunk in front of the kids. He couldn't even make it 24 hours after we arrived home from a vacation weekend. It was Memorial Day weekend. Well, he got drunk and I let him know he needed to leave. One thing about him he knew when I hit my limit with him I was done and I had no problem calling the police and following through on what I said. So he had a healthy amount of fear in my follow through on that end of things especially when my safety or that of my children was in question.
So I told him to pack up and go to his mother's. He balked and I gave him my S look which is seriously .. don't go there .. and he did leave. Within 24 hours he had DUI and he had been admitted to the hospital for a suicide watch. He didn't go to his mother's he went out and drank more and was found passed out in his truck .. it wasn't even running. That's a whole different story. That DUI was a huge catalyst for me because it did get me to Alanon and I started seeing things I didn't like about myself, my relationship as well as what I wanted.
By all means set the boundary, understand he doesn't have to go so be prepared to call in reinforcements and you better mean what you say and say what you mean and don't say it mean. I only encourage people to understand that people have their own choices and responses to us "laying down the law" so to speak. Some boundaries are not meant to be stated out loud and some are .. I find that my actions speak far louder than anything else I can say. A's believe what you say not your action and as a codie .. I desperately want to believe what someone says not what they show me.
This also leads to the other option which he will do one of three things as a reaction and this is just human nature in the disease of alcoholism .. he will find recovery, or he will decide he'd rather drink, or he will just find a new enabler. That's just how this all works. So again it comes down to what do you want and are you prepared to go forward and know that you can't control his knee jerk reaction and it's not your problem. For some reason there is no pain such as being rejected by a reject .. just saying .. be aware that he has a right to react to this situation.
In my case everything worked out the way it needed to. I'm satisfied even with the emotional turmoil I deal with from time to time .. thankfully it's not daily.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Just had the talk about him planning his drunk elsewhere-in a hotel. I said to him, you know your drinking bothers me, plan your drunk. You know your going to get off work and drink-so get your booze and get a hotel room. He said ok and went back to bed. I did not say anything else. I left him a hotel card. He even said I may be working this weekend. I said ok and did not discuss anything else. He went back to bed. In my heart I am saying, yes, yes I will have a weekend without your around! I just smiled a huge smile in my heart, you will not be here and your working on the weekend, happy! I can work on me without your drunkenness around me! He had threatened he may pretend to work on weekend and go see another woman in Saskatchewan! I do not care, she can have your drunkenness if that were to happen! I am just grateful I did not react!
Just know that addicts are not planners. I would just say, you cannot drink around me anymore.. Does it matter that he go to a hotel. You are setting the rules and addicts love to break the rules.
In that way you are setting a boundary that's about you, instead of encouraging him to drink at a Hotel. Did the book getting them sober suggest the Hotel scenario.?
Joker. I hope that works out. Boundaries are great but can be tricky. Setting a boundary usually involves action, by us works best. Alcoholics only listen to our actions. What I mean is. If he agrees frontier to a hotel while he's sober Will he remember to do it when drunk? Hope so but I suggest you make a plan b for you. Maybe somewhere you can go to get a proper nights sleep or can you lock the Dorr ensuring he can't get in when he turns up drunk. Leave a few blankets and a heater on the garage?. I got to the point I couldn't do it anymore and my boundary for me is I won't live with active drinking. It make a me insane and your a long time dead, this life is no practice run and I'm building a good life for myself, that's my duty before anyone else and living with drinking doesn't give me a good life. Please go to a meeting. You sound like a pretty clued up person. You don't need to live this way.x
