Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Unhealthy situation

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What I learned to say and practice saying when ever I needed to was, "That's a lie...not true" and I said it with conviction not hatred and then I opened the door and walked out. You might not have the excuse of opening your own door and walking out and then you can open it and hold it open for him to walk out. He isn't the only carpenter on the face of the earth...go find a better one (honest and loyal and compassionate) or leard to do it yourself...there's an idea huh? ((((hugs)))) smile

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HI lu, This sounds very complicated. I think Jerry got it simplified down. And, to go further, at some point it doesn't matter if he is lying or not, if he is someone you don't want in your own house, and you want him out because he is lying, using, cheating, or in some other way disturbing your serenity, then he can leave. if he won't leave, the police will help you if it is your house and not his. You don't really have to figure out if he is lying or not, if you simply don't want him around.

Kenny

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

LU - you situation does sound very complicated like Kenny above me says. My best suggestion is meetings, sponsor, local support and the steps. Your posts seem to be focused on all that is around you and we really try to look at and work on ourselves. If the outside distractions are too much to deal with/manage, perhaps a short stay at a hotel or with a friend could give you peace long enough to consider embracing Al-Anon and all it offers.

In my house, when all 3 were here and active, there were days I thought I would loose my mind and/or pull all my hair out. I was able to put a lock on my door, and create a safe/quiet/mellow place just for me. I made sure they all had comfy spaces too so that mine wasn't desired by another. I needed time away when I first got to the program just to think. As I began working the program and using the tools, I was able to tune things out and realize I had a choice to participate/react to the insanity or not. It took practice and support and many, many, many meetings...

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing you do or say or think or feel is ever going to change him. You can only change yourself.

Keep coming back.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry,Kenny and ism here for your insight into this situation, when you get sick and tired of someone's bull,it's time to make a change in inviroment,I can't believe that I've lived in this or let it go on n on,that's exactly why he has let this 2 or 1 day Job go for over a mth now,cause he knows he is messing up and I'll have him out of here so to ha e him a place to lay his head and oh I'm gonna be the mean one when I make him leave I put him out in the cold no place to go etc,etc,is what I'll be hearing is how cold blooded I am and that I'll just let him back in I always do over n over that will come from my sister that lives here,but as far as my room goes I can find someone else given time there's more to it than just a room,I've done a lot in it already,just can't pull a commode to put seal in,and measure for my linoleum to fit in it right.so there's the problems at hand that keeps putting off ,I e already pulled the old linoleum out,and put the new piece outside in the sun to be cut.his games again he loves his games ,mind games,hoodooing ppl,I don't understand and no I'm not gonna even try to figure him out,he is a pro at it,he hustles a lot for his money but always broke so that tells me that he is spending his money else where's ,this is insanity at its worse,I hate him I hate that gal that keeps sneaking around me to get to him and visa versa ,gets my mind in turmoil,he will screw up for sure like leave with someone and not come back for a few days it could happen tonight. So if so his stuff be out of here sooner,I never have hated like I have now.

Bettina2 · Veteran Member

Looking up

As long as he is in your environment , you will continue to be in his insanity. I see that you are at the desperation point and creating your insanity. When I read your post its saying the same thing as your last post. You come here for advice and our experiences, but you continue on . In case you didn't know it , your life has become unmanageable . I don't say this to be uncaring or cruel. Its because I'm trying to awaken your life as I recognize it, because I have been there, we all have at one point.

Most of your post and conversation is about the Alcoholic. What's left over is about you, but not much. Just that you can't take it anymore. Do the two alcoholics pay you rent money. Is that why they continue to live there. ? Are you afraid to live alone. ? What are they contributing to your life? What is their purpose, to get you to approve their lifestyle. Because by you letting them stay, you become their enabler. You are letting two mentally ill people take up your life.. they are feeding your fears. I always encourage members to go to face to face Alanon meetings, but they won't do any good if you don't have an open mind. The solutions are not trying to figure out the Alcoholic, you never will..

Are you looking for a solution? Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired... it sounds like you haven't met that boundary yet. The next time you post I hope you have contemplated and implemented one positive change for yourself. Start with step one. We are powerless . The only person you have power over is YOU. Really meditate over that. It's so important to understand this step. Then try and connect with your Higher Power and contemplate a positive action for yourself. One that would relieve you of the insanity your living with.
I have nothing but the best thoughts for you and for you to really start the change in your life. You are the only one that can do that.
I know you can do it.
All the best to you my friend
Bettina

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember, they look at what we do, not at what we say. In situations like that:

What our words say: "I can't stand this any more, it's unbearable! It's complete insanity!"

What our actions say: "Actually I prefer this situation to making you leave. I'd rather have you stay here than have to undergo the process of separating. So I won't get it done. You're fine to stay."

Which thing are your actions saying? I always had to watch out for my actions sabotaging my happiness.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Bettina,for the insight,I am on step one and doing my best with it it's slow going but it's going ,I come here to vent cause this is the only place I have to vent and have positive feed back from other fellow alanoners ,and I have a sponsor ,my thinking is I'm much better than I was ,but I do need to post more about me,it's not easy I just have my moments where I need to vent about something or what's going on in my life that is hard to deal with.at present moment I know this to shall pass also,I know what I'm gonna do and that's make him leave or tell him to leave and he will leave so there I'll have a lot of peace by doing that,my sister is a whole other ballgame .things will get better but it's gonna take time ,I'm reading Ctc everyday,and the just for today and my g&a lists .and my 1st step,I am powerless over others and what they do ,and my life has become unmanageable and I'm here today working my program everyday for last 4 weeks,I feel better,it's a slow process ,and I'm gonna have my slips,just have to know how to get back on track and I have a sponsor a really good sponsor, as for ftf meetings well I'm not had no such luck for here .i do one day at a time and try to live in the moment and come here to vent when needed I'm sorry if I'm doing it wrong by not keeping the focus on myself I do get away from myself and I know y'all always get me back on track.and for that I so grateful for you all here that's in my life and alanon and this board.i do ramble on and on especially when I'm upset I get to venting mostly,and out the window goes my focusing on myself.thanks again for all the esh here it's wonderful,great,and I love you all.....I'll leave it at that......hugs Lu

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes,lots of times I just want to go crawl in a hole and pull it in behind me and stay there,.....my precious mothers words,miss her still today like it was yesterday,she is at rest now.and out of agonizing pain is gone.

Bettina2 · Veteran Member

As a fellow alanoner I don't ever want to enable another person again and that includes everyone.

Glad you are working on the step and are aware of YOU...

Hugs, Bettina

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Bettina ,and thank you Mattie ,Mattie I didn't quiet get what you was telling me,guess I've never thought about it that way as to what I'm saying and actions I'm getting that I need to carry through with what I say but I'm thinking that's not what your trying to say????

Bettina2 · Veteran Member

Have you ever heard the saying"Actions speak louder than words". Mattie was trying to tell you that no matter what you say, its not as powerful as your actions. Your actions are not what you are saying. You say that your not going to take it, anymore. You have had it. Yet, you allow them to still stay, You can't threaten, you have to mean everything you say, as they will see it as nothing but threats, and you not really meaning what you say.
You understand, you need to carry thru with what you say.

-- Edited by Bettina2 on Saturday 27th of February 2016 02:50:27 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene