The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know it sounds like I'm whining... I must be truthful despite my embarrassment of this trait however. I want my AH to do his step work first... he has more time in the program this time and I want HIM to make amends.
He isn't. He got his one year coin and proceeded to immediately stop all meetings and contact with his sponsor.
I think I hear the real truth bubbling up here - it's just hard to hear. Severing this relationship will be the last time I do it and if so I want to make sure I "dot all the 'i's' and cross all the 't's'" in accordance with my own program. I've thrown him out before without boundaries or support and I'm not getting on that Merry-go-Round again, not this time.
Yet, I still feel like a child waiting for HIM to do the right thing. Ugh - I'm rambling friends... I'm just so tired and frustrated and scared tonight. I apologize for being all over my alanon map. Perhaps you've had a similar experience and can share your own as I feel a bit lost.
Oh, I waited a long time for the amends. It has never come and I never expect it to come. I tried to think of what I would say to me if I were him and wanted to make an amend to me..... how would I react and what would I say when I heard that amend.
I got myself laughing, but the bottom line was that I don't want an amend. I don't want to be put in a position of having to respond...... and I don't want him to think that a few words to me will erase the hurt he did. I don't have a problem with forgiving, but I do that for myself, not for him. I can trust him with some things but not the way I did when we were first married and before he let me know that booze came first.
Yes, he has done his step work. He's been in AA for 16 years and is considered a wise old timer. He has a sponsor and sponsees. But that amend to the family has never come out. Yes, he treats us better, but a lot of that is because I have grown a back bone where the wish bone used to be. Alanon has taught me to take care of myself.
Hi LFJ I can certainly identify with what you are feeling and am glad that you had the courage to identify it and share. I too thought that my hubby should make amends first because of all the damage he had caused to our financial, and emotional well being. My sponsor pointed out that working the Steps were for my own benefit and that owning my feelings, actions and attributes helped to restore my self esteem and self worth. She also noted that making amends simply asked that I own my part in the insanity and change my response to the situations. I benefit from the actions --When hubby works his program he benefits. I decided to work the Steps for myself and make amends as I could. My hubby passed after being sober for 6 years and never made formal amends. I guess he felt that remaining sober was a living amend. After his death, I found his 4th Step workbook and burned it- without reading it-- I knew I had enough to deal with and did not need more. I never regretted this action. Please try to remember that working this program is for our own well being and that once we have accomplished working the Steps we will have had a Spiritual Awakening and be able to make healthier choices.
I can relate to wanting an amends. At the beginning of my own recovery I wanted an amends and at some level I suppose I still do. However, part of our dis-ease is our own obsession with the drinker and focusing in on his step work etc may just be further evidence for you that you are still obsessed and focusing in on someone else rather than yourself.
I like 'Live and Let Live' because it tells me that another person is soley in charge of their own lives. He can work it or not, his choice, his business. This offers freedom to you. Your responsibility is soley to yourself. You are a person with your own needs and own recovery to work on. Any time you find yourself looking at him and what hes doing you are taking that focus away from you. He is on his own journey that is different from yours. Your journey doesn't have to be based on him, thats your choice.
For me the whole amends thing can be tied in with another of our symptoms, victim, martyrdom. waiting on another person to make amends is partially clinging to the idea that you were his victim. Its good to let that one go because the power over your life shifts from his hands to your own.
The program has taught me that my side of the street is all that matters. I too spent a ton of time expecting amends from my qualifiers and realized that was just another expectation I had to let go of or I would not keep growing/changing/recovering. It is maddening at times and for me, it feels like an open wound when there is another flair-up......my brain can go backward and replay every wrong and every word and then my own sickness suggests I wouldn't play these tapes IF ONLY they would make proper amends.
PFFFT - that is an unknown. Might it help me heal? Perhaps. Might it not? Perhaps. My sponsor had to keep reminding me that my happiness was my responsibility - now, and always. Whenever I am bothered about what another person is or is not doing, I need to be looking at me to see why I am bothered - what is imbalanced within me to want to give my power away to another person.
Used to frustrate me but I do get it now. HALT apply here as well as my own self-worth taking a hit on another completely unrelated life event. You are doing great to bring it here - you are processing....that is progress which is exactly our goal each day in this program!
Keep coming back - you are worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like what El Cee said about our martyrdom and how we view ourselves. What I hear is that there are expectations that are going unmet. You expect a certain action from him and now you are not getting it and it's frustrating for you. I understand because I have been there, too, but the program asks that we look within and work it for ourselves, not trying to get anything in return except recovery from our own disease.
when I have expectations I have to check my motives and see where my thinking is going wrong. Sometimes people make a living amends just by being sober or by getting healthy emotionally. It's hard when we don't hear their words of comfort or confessions of love and faith and devotion, that's why it's so important that we look within and learn to love ourselves instead of waiting for someone else to love us the way we want to be loved. We want things a certain way but how fair is that for someone else whose perspective may be different or who may be in a different place mentally with their own recovery or just personality differences, etc?
You are so not alone here because I know I do this too, but I have learned that the lack of self love is what has brought this on and I EXPECT others to act as I would. I have to step back and check myself and journal about the situation as well as throw it past my sponsor. Hugs to you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
When my ex and i were still together i thought
i had Some insights and imput he might need in
his Recovery, like a sponsor and steps. He is 30
Years dry.
Needless To say they were not wanted Or appreciated.
You think you know whats good For me, well you dont.
I do not think i i will ever get amends that i Deserve.
He would have to have had a spiritual Awakening to even
be willing to think about it.
I know i owe him some amends myself i will see when
i get There maybe i will be willing.
I hear what you were saying and get it, hang in there.
Thank you everyone. Some of that was really hard to read, but good because I know you are all saying it with truth and love. I'm finding my own healing in fits and starts. I will go along and do really well for several months and then find myself back to old behaviors.
I just feel like we're all in this strange state of limbo... we're living with him and holding our breath, waiting for.... what? He got his coin, he's sober - wasn't something supposed to happen? Aren't we supposed to hug each other now, or eat at the table at dinner time or go somewhere on the weekend...or look like something on tv?
My daughter asked to go to counseling because she said she's been waiting for five years to hear him say "I love you" and he hasn't and never will. She's 12 and she's already over it and wanting someone to help her move on.
If I make amends to myself, my children - if I really own my part in this and risk recovery then I can't pretend anymore. I'm embarrassed and scared and I'm afraid if I do this next step, I can't go back. I guess if I'm not busy waiting for something to happen, if I'm not a martyr... what do I do then? Sad. That's the question I don't want to answer.
