The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is putting our selves first the most difficult part of this whole thing?
I can put everyone else before me and yet it comes time to just focus on me, I'm uncomfortable. I feel like I am abandoning all that "need" me.
My thoughts are consumed by the other person and what they are doing or not doing without me. And yet I feel if I reach out that will classify me as needy and co-dependent so I can't. I need to prove that I'm not. Because, I need to be perfect. I need to be right. I need to be the one that proves them wrong.
If I put myself first, that means that there is not time for someone else to need me. And if someone doesn't need me, then why am I in their life? I've come to dimish myself that I have traits that attract people to me that aren't my co-depedent behaviors. If I put me first, I have to show my true self.
And maybe I won't like who she is? and scarier yet, maybe I will.
Maybe someone would be in your life because they like you. Because they like who you are. Not everyone will. But those who do will be real friends. John Lenno said Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but itll always get you the right ones. It's so much better not to have so many needy people in your life, believe me.
So, if you are comfortable in your own skin, and you start to like yourself, maybe you will get some new friends who like you.
And that perfectionist thing, I've got it too. I have to work on it all the time. I first discovered it before I even did any step work. Perfectionism and codependency seem to go hand-in-hand.
Its a tough one, I struggle with putting myself first as well and took baby steps initially.
Funnily enough I came to the opposite conclusion to you - I worried a bit about not being needed or useful but I have always had the feeling that there are others who can do just as well as me, if not better, at most things.
The bit that scared me was 'what if I don't need others?' Where would that leave me? That is my black hole!!
As Kenny pointed out, just being with folks because we like their company, sharing interests together, validating and respecting each other's point of view is a much healthier place to stand. I am a better person when I am with other people, but I am learning not to validate myself by how useful I am and to be discerning with my time. I no longer want to give too much to folks who are just looking at their own reflection by seeing how many ripples they can send through the peace of mind of others. Oh no sir, that isn't for me any more!
I struggled with this too simply because it was new, different and far from how I had functioned in my life before. I had fears on both sides - what if I am not needed? What if I get dropped by 'friends' when I stop being all and doing all. I could go on for days....and my sponsor kept reminding me that I just need to focus on one day at a time. Whenever I consider a change, my brain immediately projects forward and often my projections are negative or worrisome.
I too am a perfectionist, which adds fuel to the fire in my own head. I had to just take baby steps in putting me first. Facial masks, painting my nails, bubble baths, etc. which felt very foreign until it didn't. There are so many small things that 'normal' people do for themselves that I had blown off for years. Even at meal-time, I would serve everyone else before me.....when I began to 'see' how my best efforts of helping and doing for others actually were viewed or perceived as controlling instead of helpful, it was an eye-opener.
All that the program suggests takes practice. I still always 'do my best' so still have 'that' within me but I no longer fret over the outcome and work to just accept it. Change is often uncomfortable, even when it's good/healthy change. But - as we also say, nothing changes if nothing changes!
(((Hugs))) - small steps forward, one moment at a time, leaving the outcome to a HP all helped me learn that I am an imperfect human doing the best I can each day with what I have/know!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Perfectionism changes as we change and begin to
Love and accept ourselves as we are. My loving HP
Lets me just let it go much easier than before.
Its all part of our disease, just keep working your
Program. It took me a long time to change and grow
My Codependent side. It is still very resistant and stubborn.
I was like just what you were saying. Its okay to reach
Out to healthy good people. No one can do this alone
Its scary. I still go to different support groups i even
Started going to church.
Its a hard long journey embrace your alanon and allow
The love and support you need in. Thats the humble
Part, i need help, with a loving HP guiding you giving
You love, strength and courage to change and grow.
Great awareness and acceptance Crau Now as I found, the action that follows is to practice, keeping the focus on myself, by checking in with myself to see how I feel --am I hungry , angry, lonely or tired an then act accordingly. It is a process and takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you are doing fine.
I struggle with putting myself first as well - I am learning how important this is through this group and Al Anon. All the comments on this thread have been helpful; thanks all
I was always so dislikened the idea of selfishness, but after years of al-anon I am seeing that taking care of and worrying about me is a priority. If I let others take care of themselves it takes a weight off myself and I can really make the best decision for me. I wouldn't railroad others, but definitely have a voice now. Great post!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I constantly skip basic self care, and important tasks to do for others. Often doing things that aren't really necessary - except that I NEED to feel like I am useful to those people, or I NEED permission to take care of myself or to do what I know is right, or I NEED to feel better than other people not doing those things. I check-in with myself now and question what I am doing but it is a hard process and is uncovering a lot of hurt that I had been hiding away.
Learning about who I am and what I need or want is a weird process because some of the things rattling around my brain are scary and ugly, and some of the deeper truths about me are so simple and beautiful i feel foolish for having covered them up or denied their existence. Baby steps for me are asking other people what they like about me, and what things really bug them about my behaviors or personality - looking in the mirror at who I am and why people like me or don't like me outside of my posturing, doing, and sacrificing. Scary, but good.
