The material presented
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Hello all,
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years now. He is my drug of choice.
Currently he has been sober for 4 months, but not in any recovery or therapy. Our relationship for the past 4 months has been so chaotic. We constantly fight, almost everyday.
Our fights are started by him almost 100% of the time. The main topic of our fights is him thinking I'm being shady behind his back. He will ask me questions implying I'm cheating or just go through my phone and check everything, my email, my text messages, and internet history. I have no private life what so ever. If I go to TJ Maxx twice in one week he thinks I'm meeting someone there. I have NEVER cheated on my boyfriend, I have always honored my faithfulness to him.
He on the other hand cheated on me twice 6 years ago. I broke up with him then and took him back a year later.
Two days ago I tried to break up with him because he picked up my phone to look through it. This is after he promised me he would stop being suspicious of me and change his emotionally abusive ways. When I caught him doing this I got very upset and the argument escalated to him saying really mean things to me.
I decided to leave our place so that I could get away from his psycho behavior. When I left he called me and started saying he's going to break all my expensive stuff and doesn't care if I call the police. I begged him not to break anything. 8 months ago he broke all my electronic devices and I ended up calling the cops on him. So when he said he's gonna break my stuff I believed it. I drove back home frantically and I stopped him fro breaking anything. I said I won't break up with him and he started to calm down. He then begged me to not leave him and produced some tears, barely.
Our relationship now just feels so horrible. I feel basically held hostage in this relationship because of how violent he gets. I love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. I am so scared of what to do next. He does not have a license from his 3 DUI's and relies on me for rides and a place to live. Help!
Love is never enough, especially for a relationship with an addict or alcoholic. Honestly, you are not responsible for him and his DUI fallout and ride to places or a place to live. If he is getting sober, he should know there is sober living, he could network with others in recovery and find a place to live if you choose to evict him from your place.
I think this is a very toxic relationship and you are being used and manipulated by this man. We are not really supposed to give advice in Al Anon, but I will say that I fear for your safety and the for the destruction of your property. My XAH used to break things and it always scared the crud out of me because I wondered when it would be me that was getting pushed to the floor or shoved against the wall. Please protect yourself and start researching ways to get yourself out of this relationship. Contact your local DV shelter and see what kinds of resources they have available. They will help you, even if you aren't being physically abused.
There is hope for you and even for your man. I do hope you have meetings you attend and a sponsor in the program because these are things that will help you get sane and find serenity. I'm sure others will come on and offer their ESH(experience, strength and hope) so I will just end this by saying : TAKE CARE OF YOU! What do you want in life? Where do you see yourself in 3 years? Do you want things to look the same or do you want something different? Reach down deep inside and ask yourself where real happiness comes from; it doesn't come from our relationships, it doesn't come from other people 'making' us happy, it comes from within. Happiness comes from living life on our own terms, it comes from digging deep and facing ourselves and our fears and shortcomings, it comes from being responsible to ourselves and for ourselves and no one else. Life can be beautiful but I truly didn't find this out until I worked a strong recovery program and found peace with myself and with God and with my XAH. Living life on my terms was the greatest gift I could have given myself. Sending you lots of support and kindness today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you sunflower for sharing with us! I appreciate the courage it takes to post this. I can relate to your SO being your drug of choice, mine is too... I hope you are able to look up some meetings (alanon) in your area and check them out, there are also some online meetings as well. Alanon helped me see I needed help... I was so beat down, depressed, self esteem was low.. I didnt know how to live life and anything I did was driven by fear. By attending meetings, reading the books (How alanon works, courage to change and one day at a time in alanon are great starter books) and talking with others in the program I am able to set boundaries, focus on me, see I have choices, love myself and learn to live life in healthier ways.
Keep coming back, you are worth it!
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Perhaps the next time you leave, bring all the things with you that you don't want broken.
Or think about this: there is a very good reason that firemen say not to return inside a burning building when you realize you have left a cherished belonging. The risk of something unexpected happening is too great. A beam that was burning in another part of the house could fall on top of you, and the house with it. There could be fire inside a wall that you can't see, but breaks through the wall just as you get there. A propane tank could explode.
It seems like your house is a raging inferno, and you will have to decide whether your stuff or your life are more important. He has already proven that you have absolutely no control over him, and indeed our first step says that we have no control over alcohol, whether he is a current drunk or a dry drunk. YOu may deicde that in the long run it is cheaper for you to forego all of your stuff and just get a new life.
I relate to your situation...I was in a bad relationship once and it nearly cost me my life. I was beaten so bad and the man did end up doing jail time. I had to get an emergency protection order, and he was on the run and the police had to put me in hiding, till the order was served. He continued to violate the order and the police keep putting him back in jail. The last straw was when I knew he would kill me and then I had to call the police and have him charged for death threats, abuse and it was brutal. While he was in jail, I had to go for counselling for a year and there was a restraining order in place. I cried a bucket a tears in therapy as I thought he was my only one and I loved him. I saw that it was abuse and it was not my fault. I began to see it was him, not me. I worked hard in therapy and also attended domestic violence groups to gather strength. I even had to call the domestic violence shelter a few times. I was not able to leave and press criminal charges till I was strong enough to follow through. I tolerated hell and nearly got killed because of it. I have a abf now and he has threatened to smash my things as well and has pushed and grabbed me in his drunkenness. I have stated a clear boundary with him, when he was sober, what he did and and if touches or threaten me again, I will have the police here. Once I called the police as he threatened to smash me through the window and I was told by the police to leave the house. I had to get a hotel room for 3 days and came home after he sobered up. I too am still struggling to get out of this relationship. I am accessing as much help as I can now to get strength. I am reading here on the board daily, utube (Al-Anon speakers), went to a AA meeting yesterday, going for a walk, getting out of the house to help lift me up and make me stronger. I have yet to call the domestic violence shelter and speak to a counselor over the phone. I am doing all I can to reach out and get help for me. You can do it too...I understand...
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. The problem, as I'm sure you see, is that he wants to control you (because otherwise you would leave, as any sane person would, and he wants to have you and all the services you provide, so that he doesn't have to get his act together). And every time he threatens to break things, it does control you, so it reinforces his behavior. And it sounds to me as if you are right to fear that he is very destructive - and I worry about your own safety, not just that of your possessions. He is essentially holding you hostage.
This is the kind of situation that calls for help from professionals who know how to handle this kind of thing. I urge you to look over the information at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, http://www.thehotline.org/. Be aware that your A may be checking your computer for your browsing history - it is safest to check that site from a public library. He may also find your posts on this site, although he may not know which person you are (so maybe disguise some things in your descriptions. But safest to read from the public library.)
The professionals' suggestions generally include things such as always having your essentials and a spare key stashed in your car, and having a plan as to where to go if you have to leave the house suddenly because the danger has escalated. Start moving some money to a private account if you haven't already. Make a plan of action to leave, when the time comes, to a place you've already prepared, with your valuables (including breakables and pets), and without any need to come back. Coming back is the most dangerous time - the A will act very friendly and approachable, and the person will think, "I'll just go back and pick up my clothes," or "He just wants to meet for a talk, I owe him that" - this is the time that women get killed. I don't mean to be frightening but your safety is the number one priority. It is best to leave with everything you're going to need (the burning building example is a good one). If somehow you need to go back, get a police officer to go with you. Not just meet you there, but go with you. I can't emphasize this enough. Desperate men are dangerous men!
I hope you can call your local domestic violence shelter and get their suggestions and support.
I also want to add that I think all of us have had our A's declare they can't live without us, because they need us to drive them or X, Y, and Z. But what would happen if we got hit by a bus? They would manage. And when we leave them to manage by themselves - they do.
Another thing to beware of is that many of us find that when we leave, our A's are friendlier and kinder than ever before, in an attempt to win us back. You already experienced how this works once. Getting our own recovery going, and finding our home meeting and getting lots of support, helps prevent us being sucked back in.
Take good care of yourself! Hugs!
-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 24th of February 2016 02:34:51 PM
