Interesting when i reflect back on my life pre recovery .. I can see (and admit today) there wasn't higher power in me in truth .. there was more often than not lower power such as fear anger confusion .. wasn't until i began joining the fellowship that i began to experience occasions of higher power such as hope love serenity wisdom, gratitude, joy etc .. when i am missing the higher power i know it is time to return to meetings or at least sharing out Loud .. 

I have a situation here i am trying to think of solutions for, but when i look at the problem; it's all i can see .. the problem .. this one feels so much bigger than me (because it is) .. it doesn't just involve me and i think what i see is me trying to force higher power which at this point in time i can't even begin to see it with a new perception or one of clarity .. it certainly isn't one i will find serenity in or clarity alone .. but when i type this i am beginning to look and see .. the Problem ? how can i really be so sure it's the Problem .. honestly this program has taught me that sometimes certain things Need to happen or surface in order to become more aware of something we aren't or haven't been .. sort of like today's pain is tomorrow's awareness .. sometimes a blessing in disguise .. when i see the problem, i see tonight my mind is closing but we learn in recovery meetings if we try to keep an open mind, we will find solutions .. i have also learned i can't really judge a thing in recovery because things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to and in a way we would have never imagined .. but problem or solution it's painful tonight .. in that lower power of loneliness confusion and hurt tonight .. so just sharing with others who too have been frustrated and lonely and who too understand and get it like many others perhaps 'can't .. 

Also admitting tonight that every now and again my ex comes back into the obsession of my mind .. I miss Him tonight . the man behind the disease .. i don't miss the alcoholism and i don't miss the illusions of power through the anger fear blame emotional mental chaos an more .. i don't miss alot but i do miss Him .. I think i really miss the possibilities of the life we could have had without the using .. I guess in short i miss the illusion i have been unawaringly in the process of removing .. but i guess as i type this i am also seeing the Illusions are lessening .. becoming a deeper lesson too in the process .. my neediness turns to this person when i am hurting still but what i see is it isn't turning to this person for solutions in truth .. it is turning to this person who is also needy so it doesn't have to be alone .. the ole misery loves company .. but there is balance in this .. what i am feeling tonight is not a fantasy .. it is ok and real to feel what i feel .. i learned sometime back that my ex being gone and in a new relationship isn't about jealousy .. it's about the pattern i see in us both through fourth steps and a Lot of work .. i feel sad to see this person chasing a mirage that i chased myself for years .. sadness for the reality of his defects (turning to other women) in place of a higher power to find his good feelings (escape) .. who wouldn't want a family with someone they love they have a child with .. that part of the grief ? is Real .. not another mirage .. it's like the saying the truth hurts .. my truth hurts (but there is freedom in it) .. his truth hurts me too .. (but there is freedom in recognizing that too; even when it hurts) .. 

really does help to share this even by myself tonight but i am grateful this site and all of you are here . thank you for being here ..