The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So after a pretty good run of working my program and feeling pretty darn good, I was awoke at 4:30 am Monday with the feeling of something amiss in my bedroom. I had earplugs in, but I could sense a "disturbance in the force". The moon was full and so I was able to make out the shape of my AH bouncing off the walls as he tried to get to bed. Next thing I know there is a crash and I jump out of bed and turn on the light to find him on the floor staring blankly (which is as close to looking dead as I want to see him, ever) at the ceiling. I ask him if he is okay, no response. I ask him if he can sit up, no response. I realize I am firing questions at him and he is not in his right mind and cannot formulate an answer. So I help him sit up and then realized there was a big pool of blood on the floor where his head had laid. His head was gashed and bleeding as only a good head wound can. I grabbed a washcloth and applied pressure. I asked if he was injured anywhere else and he responded with the fact his arm hurt, upon examination it is gushing blood too. I got him all cleaned up and then put a beanie on him so he wouldn't bleed on my sheets and put a dark pillowcase on the bed and slipped him in bed. Then I got back in bed, and listened to him breathe for half an hour when my alarm went off to get up for work. I stayed home from work for a few hours until he woke up, to be sure he did wake up. It seemed like the right thing to do.
I struggled a lot with the situation because the weekend before he had another falling down incident outside resulting in bloody hands. I slept through that one. What you don't know, you know? So, I am seeing a pattern here with falling and injury. It started a while ago but it seems to be accelerated right now. He has decided life is better if he drinks alone after I go to bed and this is the result. I guess what I don't see wont hurt him?
I asked to talk to him about it last night and knowing I cannot "talk" him in to sobriety (or anything else for that matter), I wanted him to know that this is very disconcerting to me and I was concerned for his safety. He didn't argue or defend, but he didn't have much to say.
I don't have anywhere else to say these things that happen in my world where people will understand and not judge me or him. I need to have these wack-a-doodle experiences heard because they really happened. They are an elephant in my living room. I had to voice to him that I was concerned. And I second guess myself on every single aspect of the incident. From me mopping his blood and putting him to bed (should I let him deal with his own consequences?) to my calling in late to work to listening to him breathe to make sure he stayed alive (is this codependency?) to having the "talk' with him, (is it helpful, is it necessary?).
I know all the answers are there. I just need to listen more, speak my truth, and let him live his life. I guess I wouldn't do it differently if he woke me up tomorrow at 4:30 bleeding. Except I maybe would have not called in late to work. I can't risk my job every time he hurts himself.
Thanks for listening to me.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
(((Bethany))) - I don't hear or see anything that remotely suggests anything but compassion....you are doing fine and second-guessing your actions is normal too.
I remember once upon a time, I was griping about something or another to my sponsor and she asked me what I would do or say to a friend. I answered. She then asked me why I treat my qualifiers different than my friends? She was making a point that because of our 'past' and my resentments, I had more grace/love/empathy for friends than my own....it spoke loudly to me.
I use this often. I work hard to be consistent. I can't go to a meeting and be all nice/friendly to newcomers, and then come home and be indifferent to my qualifiers. So, I've been narrowing that gap as best I can and when it makes sense.
I hope this helps you.....I guess my point is if anyone else you cared about feel and whacked their head (under the influence or not), would you have acted differently?
(((hugs))) girl - I believe you are just dandy as you are and did what made sense at the time! I hope he's feeling better today too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I guess the question for me would be - this looks like it's getting worse - what is the plan for when it does get worse? Will you find yourself feeling as if you need to check on him every hour throughout the night? That you need to know where he's going and if he's upright when he's there? How much vigilance will be called for?
A normal person, if that happened to them, would be terrified into getting help or consulting a doctor or otherwise making sure it never happened again. The fact that he is an A means that he is effectively handing the responsibility off to you. After a while that becomes crazy making.
So in my view the problem is not what you're doing now - you're showing care in extraordinary circumstances. But what happens if this becomes the norm - that's the problem.
Bethany, you have written my story. The lessons I learned were that I should get medical help for a medical situation. The staring blankly at the ceiling is alarming. I have seen that, too.
I learned that I should call an ambulance. I learned that I did not have to stay at the Emergency Room with the patient, I could stay at home or go to work and the doctors would call me if they needed information. I learned that I did not have to be embarrassed about what caused my loved one's emergency. I learned to get assistance from other family members (the ones who wouldn't cause more drama. ) I came to the point where I did the best I could to take care of myself and let higher powers (medical, spiritual, supportive) take care of the rest.
I agree 1000% with Mattie about planning. I am sending all positive thoughts your way.
