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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week an issue came up with my AH - He was upset about something and wanted to reach me. I was in a group meeting and had my phone on silent. Near the end of the meeting I checked my phone -- "Call me please, when you have a moment" was his text at 9am and one missed call. I sent a text back at that time which was 11am "Ok" we texted a few more times as I finished my meeting but it wasn't clear from his notes what was going on. I called him after my meeting was finished but he was VERY upset and anxious because he couldn't reach me for two hours and didn't know I had a meeting. The issue at hand was really not urgent, but was important and we discussed it. But he was still fixated on this narrative that I am hard to reach and I need to be more available to him. He also expressed concern that I was not as upset about the important information as he was, though this seemed to be his anxiety talking because he agreed that it was not an actual emergency and everything was fine.
I feel like this issue with the phone is less serious than his perception of it and is possibly controlling behavior on his part. I am an adult who can put her phone away for a few hours if I so choose. I have a view of technology and communication that puts the people I am face to face with as a priority, and there are times and activities that warrant phone-free time. He was upset and anxious about a possible emergency, but reality was everything was fine. And even if there was an emergency it could easily be handled by those directly involved until I checked my phone again. There was nothing going on that warranted extra vigilance or heightened concern, everything was fine.
This is especially confusing for me because when we met neither of us had or wanted cell phones, but we wound up getting them through his boss a few years ago. Now he has his on all of the time. Our communication pattern used to be dependent upon AH's drinking - I often would not know where he was and would get distressed while he was out drinking or he would deviate from stated plans without reaching me because he had chosen to drink instead of whatever we had discussed. Cell phones became a way for him to (sometimes) be more accountable and present in our relationship and became a way for him to be dependable/reachable. In the past I had been very upset when he wasn't keeping commitments and then also wasn't responsive to phone calls because his actions were harmful and sometimes dangerous. I insisted on his response to my phone calls or freaked out about his behaviors, I can see my own unhealthy controlling behavior in the past and no longer hold those expectations. I can see why he wants more responsiveness from me and empathize with that desire, and I fear this is unhealthy expectations and controlling behavior - It is okay to put my phone on silent for a meeting, and two hours is a reasonable time frame to respond to a text.
When I stated this all to AH he seemed resentful, like I was forcing him to accept my use of the silent setting on my phone. Which I guess I am. I am not willing to be at anyone's beck and call at every moment. I can read a book, or go for a walk without my phone and I don't need his permission. I also don't need to fix his anxiety issue by being a steadfast and reachable voice of reason at all times and doing so only hinders his own healing and the development of his own calming tools. I am seeing his anxiety now as his own issue to solve and my phone use as mine. I can find a balance without giving in to controlling behaviors.
Writing this all out really helps, thanks for reading. Any thoughts or insights to help me gain further clarity are appreciated
Read your post and I find nothing on your part that should upset the AH. Your boundaries are clear and reasonable.
I always say actions are better than words then having to explain yourself. Keep up the good work and your boundaries. He will eventually have to respect them won't he. Don't deviate and explain no more.
Tara - I too see nothing wrong with your actions. When I am creating or stating a boundary, I don't use You words or statements - I only use I statements. That helps keep peace here. In my situation, my boys tend to avoid me randomly. My AH does too. So, when I changed up from being available ALL the time to not available between 10pm - 7am + meetings, I just shared that my phone would be off while sleeping and while in meetings. I did not give a reason nor anything more than just stated the facts.
I have gotten some complaining once in a while, and similar to your situation, it wasn't an emergency. My qualifiers want what they want in their timeframe, irregardless of anyone else's timeframe. It's gotten much better with time. I actually leave my phone in the car at meetings now and go old school (pen/paper) if someone wants my number.
Setting boudaries for ourselves is the right thing to do. Sharing those at times get's tricky but following the I statement practice has helped ward up chaos/drama in my home.
(((Hugs))) to you! You're doing great!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My AW was fixated on this before she became an actual A, but was not emotionally sober. If I would work late too often, then I would be doing something wrong in her eyes, perhaps out with another woman, even though I have never given any kind of indication I was interested in such a thing. In a normal relationship, spouses can sit down and figure out together what is good for them, in a non-sober relationship, that becomes one-sided, and boundaries need to be set.
Now that she is emotionally sober, there is very little of that fear that used to drive her. And when there is, she calls her sponsor instead of unleashing on me. But while she was active, it was the same kind of thing you are experiencing, and I didn't have Al Anon at the time, so I didn't know how to handle it.
Thanks for your comments it really helps. I can think this through and share here and feel like I know my thinking is sound . . . then he makes comments gas lighting me and making me question my own logic and values. But in this case I feel really solid, his issue with wanting to reach me at any moment is just his issue. I think he will have to respect my boundary since he has so little agency over my phone, but he still is really upset about what he views as a lack of support or understanding when i do not agree with his unhealthy perspectives - I didn't panic about the banking issue, nor did I agree with his anger towards the bank (it was a small mistake and only affected us because we hadn't paid close attention to our account), and I had a healthy boundary regarding my own phone and not taking calls during a meeting, so therefore I was not being a good spouse and not meeting any of his needs. I cannot control his thoughts though and I can only do what I believe is right for me, and my commitments and relationships --- though part of me reallllllly wants to FIX his thinking and convince him, or coach him into a different way of understanding. (need to work on my Alanon tools here)
