The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am tired of the thoughts that constantly flow through my head about what I should have or could have done differently.
I'm tired of being crippled by the obsession of needing to know what tomorrow will bring or if that one thing I did or say was the right or wrong thing.
I'm tired of needing external validation to be ok with making choices for me. I'm tired that still, I'm worrying too much about the A in my life, rather than focussing on me. I'm tired of hoping for a perfect tomorrow instead of living for today.
I know this all will take time, but I'm tired of waiting. I felt like all I did was wait for my A to get their stuff together so we could have a happy life. Waiting for them to decide what they were going to do with their life so I could know where my life was going.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed that I made a choice for myself to move forward in my life without the A alongside me.
I'm tired of missing him and wanting him in my life. I'm tired of missing him when he was in my life.
I'm tired of being so concerned about what everyone else will say or think about the choices I make for myself.
I'm just tired. Plain tired of myself. And I'm ready to feel awake and alive and in control again. I can only hope that day will come soon but I know I allowed myself to get tired, so I need to allow myself to feel alert again.
Crau - it is exhausting to love someone with this disease. It's more exhausting when we live with them. We spend a ton of time chasing our 'dream' or 'vision' or waiting for them to get well. I totally understand your tired and also hope that you find peace quickly so you can rest easier.
We are all imperfect humans. We do our best each day based on what we know. So, take some time, breathe deeply and focus on what's working...and what's real. There is nothing you have done wrong or could have done differently. When we bring an adult mind with adult plans and adult wants/needs to a relationship with an alcoholic, it rarely, if ever, goes well. The disease affects them in all ways - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. He most likely believes what he says, he's just not capable of being what you need at this time.
That doesn't ever mean forever -- it means just for today. When I feel sad about being estranged from my children, I remind myself that it's just for the here and now - God works in mysterious ways and I have no idea what his plan has in store for my future.
So, hang in there one minute at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time and it will get better. Learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are - you are worthy of joy, peace and serenity....chose that over anything else - it's a hard journey but so worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm tired with myself right now more than anything-the push and pull that my heart and head are doing is so draining. It's consuming me and impacting my ability to stay focused on me and the present. I know this will pass with time, just have been feeling like this for far to long and I thought the feelings would stop when the relationship ended but it's like they exploded and took control.
One day at a time. Just for today, I will focus I will aknowledge that Its OK to feel what I feel and will take a few quiet moments to myself so I can feel centered and at peace if only for a few moments.
Oh Crau, you have written the words that have been banging in my head. I didn't know these feelings would linger, fade, then, out of nowhere, jump out and consume me. Each time it does, I have to remind myself that the feelings will subside and that the feelings themselves are part of the healing process.
You, in sharing your lament, have helped me more than you will know. I am not alone. Thank you. "This too shall pass". So glad we have the tools to be able to be at peace, if only for a few moments. Treasure those moments.
I completely relate: I'm tired too .. (of trying to figure out everything in 'my head alone) .. glad you shared .. gives me the opportunity to do the same .. one thing i will say is i don't know if you have meetings or a sponsor and truth be known, i didn't read all of this thread because i am hurrying here this morning but if you are familiar with step work .. I am doing this 4th step i am on for the 2nd time .. but 'this time ? i recognize without the 4th and 5th step with a spiritual sponsor and someone I am comfortable with ? i will be in the process of becoming once again entirely 'exhausted rather than entirely 'ready ..
very grateful member of alanon and so glad you are here .. I Am exhausted this morning too .. Completely but i do have hope with this step as i shared .. Especially the part of the Courage to change book which reads regarding 4th steps .. It may not feel better Right away and it may not change it all Just like that (the 4th step) but i can ''Rest assured" that change has Already begun ..
