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Hi. I am new here and to al-anon. I need some help as to the best way to respond in a certain situation. When he drinks he gets depressed and starts saying things, in a very casual conversational tone, like "I am contemplating the best way to kill myself", "I have checked the trusses in the house and found the best one to hang myself from", "I want to make sure you will not suffer financially from my suicide.", "Do you know where I can buy a gun?", "I think a shot gun will fit nicley just under my chin and will do the trick", "I am in my black place and can only think about killing myself", etc...
I have tried to get him to talk to me more when he is one of his moods (read drunk) to no avail. I have said things like "you don't mean that" to which he responses "yes, when you have nothing to live for..." or "you don't know what I am going through", "you don't really care about me" (this is hitting very close to the truth, I am caring less and less about him)
I have though about saying something like "Interesting, so which truss do you think is best and why?" sort of carrying on as if this were a normal conversation, but that does not seem right. I have also though about saying something along the lines "Do you want me to help you?" but that does not seem right either (and is also illegal). Do I just walk away when he gets like this? Do I try to talk to him? Do I tell him to make up his mind and either do it or quit talking about I have suggested he talk to a counsellor, but he won't even try to make the first step.
So far he has not done anything tangible to make me believe that he would carry out his thoughts, but it is bugging me to the point of distraction.
And to Alanon as well! Are you able to go to face to face meetings? They helped me a lot.
I have not experienced this kind of repetitive suggestion of suicide, but I can see that it has got your attention and I am quite accustomed to attention seeking from the alcoholic in my life. Personally, if my husband ever said any of that to me I would call the police or medics or a suicide watch helpline. I would do this to show that I take what he says seriously and that way, if he doesn't mean it, he might think twice about saying the same thing again. If he does mean it then telling others who are better placed to help him would be the right thing to do.
It is not easy living with alcoholism and it messes with our thinking and our self-esteem. I am sorry that you are going through this and that it is stealing away your thoughts from more positive things. 'Keep it simple' is a lovely phrase that helps me from time to time. Sending (((((hugs)))))
Good morning Petey49....so sorry that you are dealing with this....I am one who believes the professionals about suicide. If someone is talking about it, they might be serious and I'm not skilled to assume yes/no. Both of my boys have discussed and mentioned suicide over the years, and I agree with milkwood above me - have involved others with experience in this.
If it's only attention-seeking, that's OK - it's better to be safe than sorry. While living with this disease did bring about a variety of chaos/drama in my home, this is one situation that I always took seriously.
(((Hugs))) - I also agree that going to F2F meetings and aligning with fellowship and support can help you in the 'heat of the moment'!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My heart is with you, Petey49. Suicide is a very cruel weapon - both the threat and the actual suicide. Please call a suicide hot-line or perhaps even a hospital. At least you would know that you did as much as you could - and that is key, I believe. Just as we have no power over alcohol, we have no power over another person's decisions or actions, especially if that person is controlled by alcohol.
I have been in much the same situation, and what saved me was going to a counsellor, having her suggest some specific actions that were within my power, but then, spending a lot of time on my own feelings of helplessness and guilt, and letting go. And I have experienced both: suicide talk as manipulation and suicide itself.
The guilt of "I could have saved him if I'd done more" is, unfortunately, one of the awful things a survivor has to grapple with. To know that you have taken the steps you can, to know the limits of what you can do, to get affirmation of that, and to know that the alcoholic is fighting his own (and solely his own) stuff with his HP, even if he doesn't know this, will provide you with the strength to face whatever comes.
I agree with calling the emergency services. I have a experience with this. When my AH was at the bottom with his disease he called me at work from a hotel room (I had kicked him out the night before and he had gone on a binge). He didn't come out and say he was going to kill himself but he did say that if he had a gun it would be all over for him.....and of course we all know what he was implying with this statement. Did I think he was going to actually do it, no, but I couldn't be 100% sure because alcoholics are not rationale. I called the police and had them do a wellness check on him. They ended up bringing him to the hospital for a night stay where they had him checked out. They did determine that he wasn't actually suicidal but it only helped to show him how bad his disease had gotten. He doesn't remember even calling me at work and telling me this. I am 100% glad that I did what I did. He is now sober for almost one year and doing great. Talking about suicide is a cry for help. He may not be suicidal but you don't want to take that chance.
