The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really stuck. I have made progress, and am increasingly realizing how stuck I am. I moved out of my house last July, because my AH refused to go. 18 months earlier, a counselor had recommended he move out for awhile. This was before I knew he was secretly drinking - we had terrible fights and our kids were miserable. He refused to go. After his drinking problem came out into the light, for the next year, he kept trying sobriety, but when he would slip, each time it would remain "secret", and I would only know because of how mean and crazy he acted toward me. I moved out for a month. I came back. I left for a few days. I came back. I left again. We met with our counselor, and she said very clearly that he had a lot of work to do on himself, to stay sober, succeed at a new job, etc... she recommended that he move out for awhile, and work on himself. He refused to go. "I like our house." "I like the views." "It's my house too! Why should I be the one to leave?" says he.
That was last July. I moved out, and then, with our counselor's encouragement, I rented a place. She really felt it was no longer safe or sane for us to be under the same roof. Since he wouldn't, I did. I look back and wish I had dug my heels in and somehow cajoled him to leave, but at the time I just wanted to get away from him!
The rental didn't work out (mold and other issues), and in November we bought a house. He consented, with the idea that it would become an investment if and when I moe back. Our kids (age 10 and 13) split their time between us. I wish I had pushed harder on this too, but nobody has ever caught him doing unsafe behavior (even though I believe he lies about drinking and driving, I have no proof).
I feel very grateful that I have my own place to live, and am not dependent on a landlord or anything. However, I am still extremely angry that he did not leave our house, and I had to. He says that I didn't have to. Every time this comes up, I remind him that an objective observer (our counselor) saw the same thing I saw: it wasn't safe for us to be in the same house, so if he wouldn't leave, I did have to. Many months have gone by, and I still have such huge resentment over this. He claims he loves me "more than anything". But, that he "did the right thing" by staying, because dads who leave are never allowed to come back. That he stayed for our kids. Great. So it's ok for kids to experience their mom move out, and their dad use language like "you left us" and "you are gone"... oh I am still spitting angry.
There is way more to the "story" - but it's just my "story" I guess. I know lots of people with alcoholic spouses end up being the one to leave. How the heck do you ever get over the injustice of the A sitting pretty in the house that you, perhaps, dreamed of, made the purchase happen (with help from your parents), spent time fixing up and renovating and turning it into a home...most of the belongings in it came from your family... and now, you aren't there any more? I know this resentment is hurting us both, but I seriously cannot stand it. Every time I talk to him, I get triggered. He is constantly texting me photos of the beautiful mountain views from "our" house... I don't have views where I live now... or pics of our kids having fun in "our" house with their friends... this triggers me so badly. Plus, as the time goes on, I feel more and more upset that I did not act like more of a bitch and "make" him leave. All these terrible feelings diminish me, but I feel so wronged! I know that is the shared story of living with an A -- but how the heck do you ever move past it?
(((Oceanpine))) - when I have been held hostage to resentments, I've worked the steps on them. This was suggested to me by my sponsor as well as others. I literally would start at step 1, and say, I am powerless over moving from my home, and my thinking is unmanageable....
I have done mini-step runs on many life issues with my sponsor. It's life-changing if we are honest, open and willing to let go.
I've never left my home and children, so don't have direct experience with your situation. Perhaps others will post who have...
You are not alone - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your best option is to figuratively turn lemons into some bomb-diggity tasting lemonade. That is the best way I have gotten over resentments - Make my current life as good or better than what I am resenting. Catch yourself when you are thinking those thought and literally say affirmations like "The kids and I are building new happy memories here."
I found i am gaining clarity with detachment
And no contact. I could not even begin to detach
Until after i moved out and we were divorced.
My bond was too strong, still going thru detachment
After seven months. Its not easy, keep up the program
Work and embrace the love of your HP.
When i was in limbo land that was a very dark place
For me in my head, heart and soul. Its not real great
Right now but much better than before. I have peace
And ongoing healing and growing. Serenity is my goal.
I don't know if this line of thinking will help you. I'll only tell you what helped get me out of the depression of this position. I felt really embittered and furious and victimized by everything my A had done. And boy, he had done a lot. Imagine all the crazy infuriating things an A can do and he did them. I won't list them all because I know you know how it goes. And all the time I was hoping for the best and I got handed this insane, selfish, greedy, infuriating man.
What I did was to ask myself the question Al-Anon recommends, "What was my part in it?" I saw that I had had decision points all along the way. And I had been making decisions all along the way. My decisions had led to the situation I was in. I learned the saying "My choices, my results." Where I was was a direct consequence of my choices. I made a choice to stay with the A despite reasons X, Y, and Z, and also A, B, C and D. I made many choices at many points. The results were not the universe targeting me randomly - they were a direct and logical consequence of my choices.
Like an A, I kept on the same path until the consequences of those choices were so bad that I had to pay attention and start making different choices.
The good news was that I was and still am in charge of my choices. I can make more helpful choices going forward. And the consequences of better choices will be just as sure as the consequences of erroneous choices.
Hope that helps you as it did me. Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs!
i had that dream house but it was filled with my alcoholic husband and far from everything since i dont drive. now i wake up happy in an overpriced apartment with debt but with a loving supportive new boyfriend and a job,right on the busline. i can walk to shop,bank etc.
Resentment for me is a natural response to disparity or unfairness. I don't beleive we get over things but through them, and first step is acknoweledging that yes the situation is unfair and a whole lot of other things. Acknowledgement is crucial. It precedes surrender. Bcause all these things are not of your making or doing. You didn't cause his alcoholism, you are not in control of his moral compass. Surrender and trust that your higher power has a plan and its powerful. I wish I had been able to do this years ago instead of sevem years after the fact. But then again, maybe for me it was a seven year journey. Go well Oceanpine.
