The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I dont post often but I read everyday. The posts here have helped me tremendously...
My AH has been "trying" to work his program since April (10 months). He suffered one relapse in August and I believe a second in October (he nevered admitted to it).
I have been trying to detach as much and as often as possible for my sanity and well as for my three children. I even have a short cruise with my sister next weekend!
AH is suppose to watch our 2 yr old while I am away for 3 nights. I know this is the root of my problem....I don't trust him and really don't have anyone else who I trust with my toddler for three nights.
Last week, he showed signs of being drunk. I did my best to leave him be, detach, and let him deal with it.
Yesterday I was worried all day and even considered cancelling my trip because I don't trust him to stay away from a few beers while I am gone. Then when I came home, he was hanging out by his truck (his favorite place to drink) and stepped away from his truck as soon as he saw me. In my heart, I feel and know he was drinking. But I did not confront him....I turned the focus on my boys all night.
If I cancel, he wins...the disease wins. I am driving myself crazy with worry.
Glad you are here Early! I can relate to the confusion, I use to take a trip a year with my mom. I was so gripped in fear I quit going. Today looking back, with the tools of al anon I have received I know for me I have options. Is there a close friend or family member that could care for your kid while you are away?
Hugs,
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Sister it isn't about winning but doing the best you can with what you have. I use to "what if and what if not" my sponsor to death then finally found a power greater than myself who I turned everyone over to cause I am and always have been powerless. Go or don't go...get a back up before you leave or don't leave...speak your concerns to him or not and keep him in the solution. Prayers to you and your alcoholic....I lend you a program slogan my sponsor impressed on me in early recovery..."When in doubt? Don't" ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 19th of February 2016 06:31:37 PM
AH and I didn't have children, but there were times I didn't even trust the dogs to his care.
Living with an Alcoholic is not about getting them to confess to us that they have been drinking. You can just about guess that they are drinking every time. If they are not in a recovery program , they are not even trying. Even then they have relapse.
Its about having our own program and taking care of our business, its not about taking care of them.
Regarding the children...better safe than sorry...
(((EarlyBird))) - I feel your pain and can so relate. One of the reasons I stopped working full time outside the home was the travel required and the stress of what would happen 'here' when I was gone. We had a few incidents over the years but nothing that couldn't be managed.
Only you can decide to go or not. I am a big believer in the power of prayer when I am uncertain about a decision. I am also a believe of when in doubt, don't.
Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh this is a tough one EarlyBird, I would share your worries.
It is your choice what you decide to do. So sad that you struggle to trust for your husband at this time, but understandable as well. As I read your post I find myself thinking that the disease 'wins' scenario could be putting yourself in a victim role which isn't helpful. I would want to did my heels in at that!
Can you look at your choices slightly differently? With a feeling of empowerment as you get to make your own choice? Your circumstances are what they are. They are not perfect, but you've described them clearly. If you don't go on the cruise, that is your decision based on what you know, plus what you know that you don't know for sure (and I would make a plan to do that cruise at another time instead). If you do go on the cruise, what would you need to have in place to be able to do that with comfort and confidence?
Thanks to everyone for their responses.
I understand that this does empower
Me to make a decision for myself. I don't want to place myself in a victom role.
I am just frustrated because as a mother and a wife, I believe I should be able to trust my children in the care of their father at anytime....but I can't but alcohol has such control of our household. I understand that this is his disease and something he has to want to fight against....I just want the trust which should come hand in hand with being married and parents
together
I will go on my cruise. I cannot get a refund or even a partial refund if I reschedule or cancel. However, to make this happen, I will have to go against my husbands wish and talk this over with someone else. I will not keep my husband from watching his children. But I will have someone who is close stay close and in contact with him...they will be told to call police if needed....or to confront him...to do whatever it takes to ensure my kids lives are not at risk.
Earlybird just something to think about- I noticed that as I began to try to do things outside of the home and the disease my partner fought back and one of the ways he did this was to make me feel as it was unsafe for me to go anywhere. I felt like a prisoner as although I had no reason or need to leave my child with him (she is much older and can stay with friends if need be), we had pets and when I arranged a weekend away (or even a day) he would suddenly be on a drunken bender, leaving the front door open and the dog roaming the streets, tying the cat up with a string around its neck (yes, for real) and basically showing me in every way possible that if I left the home for any reason then the dependent creatures and the property I had there would be in peril.
I came to see that it was a deliberate tactic on some level; he just didn't want me going anywhere and he knew what would keep me miserable and confined to the house.
Anyway knowing this didn't solve the problem but it did help me to let go of what I "should" be able to expect from him and instead simply assume I was for all intents and purposes a single parent and could only move forward if I let go of any and all expectations of him, as impossible as that seemed.
Anyway that might not be the case with your A and then again it might; it's a fairly common tactic dependent and unhealthy people use to keep their enablers in the home and under control. (if you leave the world will end).
I found that the more I worked my way through al-anon the less I needed to have my expectations met by him and the more joy and serenity I got from just making sure everything I needed was taken care of through reliable means.
Will you be able to enjoy the cruise without worrying constantly or checking your phone 5 times an hour? That would be my guidepost; if I knew I was going away feeling secure enough not to be worried constantly then great and if not, then I'd make adjustments.
I hope it works out well and you have a wonderful time!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
