The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am asking this question not to cause controversy but because I am very new to this whole experience. My husband is currently in detox in the hospital. The past five days have been horrible. Firstly I had no idea he was drinking this much as I am rarely home. It sounds crazy but I truly didn't realize he was an alcoholic. He is very smart and has been very functional and good at hiding it, apparently. The only reason it has come out is due to another medical issue (caused by the drinking) that caused the doctor to admit him to hospital. Then all this came out.
He has the shakes, has been through two nights of hallucinations (the crazy texts I got... !!) and is a 24/7 observational unit. It has bee 5 days and today he got a walker to help him walk as he fell yesterday due to being so shaky. He is 44 years old. up until now a very strong, capable guy.
I am still in utter shock and very, very upset. I really feel like I need some support as I am not comfortable telling most of my friends about this ... I can't help it, but I'm embarassed.
I would like to go to a meeting, but I am not religious and I feel like I would be lying or pretending when it comes to the God part. I can't go and pretend I believe in God, and for me faith will not be a part of my journey. i completely understand for others why this would be important and I almost wish I did believe. But I am a hardcore scientist and I struggle with belief in anything I cannot see.
I would just like to hear from others - will I be OK going to a meeting? I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. Are there some meetings that are for less religious people?
i am completely lost and alone and I am looking for help.
Rachel - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you are here. You will not have any issues/concerns - the program suggests we each find our own higher power - any power great than one's self - I've seen nature, the group, etc. used by others who are non-believers in the past!
There is a couple prayers, you are welcome to leave or stay and not say the prayers - it's completely up to you. I know in my F2F (face to face) meeting, there are several who hold hands at the end, and stand quietly without participating in the closing prayer.
Hope this helps - don't let this keep you from finding a local support system! We accept anyone who needs help!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I truly appreciate it. I am so worried about how all this is going to go and I do feel that communicating with others in the same situation will help greatly.
This is soooo scary.
Meanwhile I am trying to study for an analytical chemistry midterm tomorrow. I'm a mature student, 8-4 every day at a polytechnic and the thought of what's been going on while I'm away (often I am gone in the evening too) freaks me out.
I need to find a group. I have looked into it. a bit scared to go.
I do know about that fear of going....I was extremely freaked out about it....and everything I thought and projected was 'only in my mind....'
Breathe, breathe and breathe again! You will feel so much better at the end of the meeting - you'll no longer feel like you are alone in your journey!
Good luck - let us know how it goes!
PS - you can join the online meeting tonight in about 1.25 hours and study too - nobody will judge you ... it's a great group and they'll help you feel welcome...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The room is open 24 x 7 x 365. There's a link up to the top - Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room.....just click thru there and you'll land at a front page. Create a nickname for yourself, and replace the MIB_________ with your chosen nickname.
Once you do that, just hit enter and you're there. You can look to the right hand side to see if anyone else is in the room. Typically the meetings start on time/a few minutes late so folks show up whenever they can. If nobody's there, you can hang out and wait or leave and come back.
During the meeting, it's a formal setting - they'll roll instructions on the screen. But, there is chat before and after, and you bet - you can ask questions and folks are good about helping if they can!
It's a great tool to have....I've gotten on there in the middle of night/day and there's been folks from other countries! Al-Anon is the same - no matter where ya live!!!
(((Hugs))) - shout back if you have any issues - I'll help you if I can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Rachel Blue welcome to the family (((((hugs))))). Glad to have you here and I will be watching your process along with others like yourself you are naďve about this social model program and process. Even being a scientist wont deter you from experiencing something new, bold and magical if you stay with it. I was oppositional defiant when I got here and the program found it a minor glitch as all I had to do was keep an open mind, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. I was born (found out) and raised (found out again) within the disease of alcoholism and didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know what it was. God?? of course because I was born into religious fanaticism also. Who doesn't believe in God and who doesn't own a Chevy. I knew a lot as a studied theologist and practice a lot within one religion and knew nothing about the relationship between knowledge and behavior. Dumb as a stick and that is the condition I arrived in at Al-Anon. Sitting and listening and reaching out and asking for help and doing that over and over again until the connection between a power greater than I and I was made. At the end of our face to face meeting the closing says, "If you keep and OPEN mind, you will find help" and that told me that when I stopped my oppositional thinking the situation would clear up and it has.
I practice the 12 steps and 12 traditions religiously which is very much different than the old understanding of dogma and church...I live the program.
My qualifiers for Al-Anon are many and I was clueless as to disease. I am also a member of AA, an alcoholic and a behavioral health therapist who has worked with the chemically addicted. Alcoholism and drug addiction is boggling...mind, body, spirit and emotions. Questions about God and how God fits in all of this will be only one part of your recovery so try not to make you stumble often. In time with practice you will arrive at your own understanding that there must be and will be an entity bigger than our own limited knowledge and understanding that can, will and does help us.
Learn as much as you can about this fatal disease that your husband suffers from and wishes he won't. See how cunning, powerful and baffling it is and then let it go for short whiles as you come to understand yourself and your part in it. You will come to understand what we have. Keep coming back. Check out Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book as it is most likely in your neighborhood and then overcoming he invitation of embarrassment come talk with us. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 16th of February 2016 08:24:50 PM
thanks, Jerry.
I really appreciate openness and honesty - so yes it means a lot to me that you replied with so much thought.
It is so valuable to hear the thoughts and opinions of others - especially when you know so little about the subject. so thank you. From what I can see you have never been dumb as a stick ;) but maybe just weren't used to expressing yourself. I always appreciate so much when people are able to be open and honest about their experiences. That is one of the struggles I am going through with my husband. An engineer who has been taught by his dysfunctional family that it is best to dull everything.
I will definitely be open minded and give everything a try. It can't hurt but can only help in one way or another.
Glad you have found al anon! I had a hard time with grasping god at first too, I always went back to the church, the fear and thought - no this is not for me. But what I have learned here (al anon) is god is a higher power, something bigger than me... I was able to use the universe. It dawned on me that the stars, trees, rivers, mountains all existed and carried on without me doing anything... it did not require my expertise. I know I had nothing to do with it, so something bigger must be there. As the time has gone on, I have found my higher power, my god of my understanding. And for me its ever changing, as I am also ever changing. So for me, I had to stop over analyzing, sit back and let it happen - but also be willing :) I am glad you are here, enjoy the journey - its a ride :)
Katsfree
__________________
Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
We are all different, i have a client that is a scientist
So i get you, she is old and is having a hard time with
The God issue at the end of her life.
Its all just a process that takes time and willingness
To learn, change and grow. You can only change and
Help yourself.
I think your ah's HP was giving him a wakeup call,
Hopefully he embraces his sobriety and keeps doing
The next best thing.
There often are very magical experiences that come with this subject and I have had some of them. Once after a pretty severe drunk I helped my wife thru "getting dry" for a while and then made my move to get her and her kids to church...the one I was a member of. I dressed us all up spiffy and nice and went and when we got to church found an empty pew that I thought was very appropriate and ushered the 4 of us in. I was smiling at my success and then knelt down to announce my self and brood and before I could do that I heard the question "What is she doing here"? I knew who was asking and why. My higher power was asking with the awareness that it wasn't her choice and will but mine. I never tried that again as I have learned a thing or too about "God's time and God's will". I've learned even more over the time I have been here practicing/working the program in all my affairs and I no longer participate in the religion I was born and raised into and supported for so long in favor of the culture I was born and raise into. I guess today some would classify me as atheists? while many others not. Al-Anon is for anyone seeking peace of mind and serenity and sanity after suffering the ravages of addiction and alcoholism in a family member or friend. Aloha ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP Rachel, this is a fantastic place to learn about the disease of alcoholism and how to take care of our own well being and sanity.
It sounds as if your husband is just where he needs to be right now, he is in good hands and now we are right behind you as well.
I understand your shock, it sounds as if you've been thrown in off the high board. The good in that is that you have kept your life rolling and moving forward and that, to my mind, is the healthiest response there is to this ghastly disease. I do love to unravel a problem and by God, of which more later, I'll solve it if I can, but as far as my life is concerned there is good reason why I have a sudoko book next to my favourite chair.
I like the term Higher Power that is used in lots of Alanon meetings and here as well. For me that translates as the natural order of things, the energy that flows through everything, including me. I enjoy feeling the beauty and peace in prayers in the same way as I marvel at the sublime in a glorious sunset. When I went to my first face to face Alanon meeting I had similar concerns, and also it was a big admission to myself that all was not as I thought. The warmth of the welcome, the acceptance and understanding, the lack of judgement or any need to explain was simply awesome and sustaining on what, for me, seemed to be a very confusing journey at the time.
Good luck with that mid-term today, and I hope you'll stick around!
-- Edited by milkwood on Wednesday 17th of February 2016 07:25:27 AM
Hi Rachel,
welcome to MIP. I also understand your shock to realize about the alcoholism. I was unaware that my AH was an AH for many years. Something that crept up on me it seems. I knew that he was like two different people sometimes. I knew he was unreasonable and intolerable and angry sometimes (and completely different at other times). I knew there were marital problems in our relationship but I couldn't figure out where they stemmed from. I felt he hated me. I hurt myself a lot thinking I was the cause of all of our problems and it wasn't until we were at our worst point that I realized how much he was drinking and how it might be affecting us. My AH is quite functional too. He holds down a high level job and fulfills most of his obligations at home.
I didn't come to Al Anon as religious either. You don't need to be or believe in God to go to the program. A higher power that you see can guide you is all that you need. It could be nature, science, or the group or the universe. It is up to you and you don't have to even decide that piece now. Go to a meeting. keep an open mind. No one will force you to believe in God. No one expects anything from you like that. It took me a while to find the right meeting with people I could relate to but it does help. Face to face meetings are really helpful and important.
The most reassuring thing that I heard at a meeting was "you are no longer alone". That was comforting. Now that you have found this board you don't have to deal with this all alone. There are people here to support you. If you go to a meeting in person there is even more support. YOu can call people there on the phone and talk to them. That is really helpful too.
Hang in there and welcome to the board.
Hi guys, and thnk you for all your insight and replies.
so things have been fucked, for any better language. DH was released suddenly - I literally got a phone call - I'm discharged. No follow-up, no plan, just...
we have been home three- four days now. all is great. he says it is easier than quitting smoking.
he hasn't been drinking... but wtf... i have.
wtf is wrong with me. I'm feeeling very broken.
I function. I go to school. I study. I don't drink when I am around him... now all of a sudden I seem to need to drink in his presence. wtf. it is really awkward and i feel like a shit.
i'm lost. so sad and just fucked. i'm not a good role model and he is doing well.
would like to go to a meeting, but I am not religious and I feel like I would be lying or pretending when it comes to the God part. I can't go and pretend I believe in God, and for me faith will not be a part of my journey.
there is not much i can share that hasn't already been shared .. my first thought ? yes If we try to keep an Open mind (and heart) .. was what was coming to me as well .. for me yep my higher power is god .. for others ? their higher power is something else but one of the great things about the program is we have an anonymous (Safe) atmosphere .. we leave personals such as religion status money and more at the door .. we just bring ourselves .. what was mentioned above is true too that while there may be closing prayers .. we always read would all who care to .. it is ok to care not to .. join those .. one thing i will say is my perception coming into program ? is not what it is today .. today i am grateful for the changes that take place in those rooms .. confusion into clarity .. fear into faith (the belief things can and will get better for us if we keep coming back) .. when it comes to higher power however maybe this will help .. i realized not too long back another perception .. i didn't have 'higher power coming into the rooms (love hope serenity courage trust) .. i had a lot of lower power .. (fear anger obsession worry despair, etc .. ) just sayin .. i am still moving through and going through the process but one thing i will say .. i have never experienced any other place where christians athiests sex genders religion political professional wealthy poor and more can come together and share So much peace, understanding and love in the same circle .. that part ? never changes .. it only grows .. typing that with a smile .. & wishing you the best ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 24th of February 2016 02:49:24 AM
