The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I haven't been on here for a while now. I married my AH three months ago (we've been together two years). He had been going really well - doing daily meetings, looking healthy & our relationship was great. Fast forward three months. He's back to drinking every day now, hiding his "stash" (that we both know he has & is lying about), being moody & unpredictable and basically an a*sehole most of the time. He's still lying about his drinking. I have been the only one working & we are financially in trouble. He got a job this week, but if he's actively drinking it will only be a matter of time before he gets sacked.
He swings between calling himself a "retard" and saying how he doesn't know why I even love him, to being nasty, calling me a nag & basically treating me like he hates me. This usually depends on the mood of the house & if I am crying or not.
I do love him, but I feel like all I ever do is give give give & he just continues to take. Some days it just feels like I'm bleeding profusely & he is the one doing the cutting. I'm exhausted from being on this hamster wheel.
I did go to a few Al Anon meetings, but they were all adult children of alcoholics (in their 50's plus). I'm dealing with this EVERY DAY RIGHT NOW. I understood what they were saying, but I didn't relate.
This sounds mean, but some days I wish I'd never met him. I wonder what I did to deserve this in my life. I find myself thinking he's pathetic & just wish he'd pull his sh*t together. Then I feel guilty for thinking that. I feel like a non-person. Like a shell of who I once was & that I no longer exist anymore.
vintagebel - welcome to MIP .... so sorry for what brings you here! I do understand that the local meetings you tried weren't a good fit - it happens. See if you can find another group/two to try out - local support and fellowship is such a gift - you can go without, but there is seriously no replacement. Try to keep an open mind and look for the similarities instead of what's different. All groups should welcome you with open arms and know that not everyone likes every group but keep trying to see if you can find a match.
One of the first things I heard and held onto was the three Cs - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this. I had to understand how the disease of my AH was affecting me and work hard to get my mojo self back. I have been able to find peace of mind/heart in spite of his continued actions/drinking. The program has saved my sanity, if not my life.
We do have meetings here too - twice a day. Check the top left for the meeting room link and the times. That might help you out in the mean time.
You are not alone and we're just a post away! Keep coming back...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
