Im looking for the answer for the question you posed also. I also dont want to fall into the trap of co dependence again. I am painfully aware of this dilema constantly with my new guy.

Yes, Iamhere....good point to differentiate between needs and wants. When I was in therapy a few years ago, my therapist made me write a list of what I 'wanted' in a future significant other. That list was easy to come up with. I wanted someone who was trustworthy, who would respect me, who would be honest, who had empathy and compassion towards others, who didn't suffer from emotional imbalances or serious mental health issues, someone who was not addicted to anything/anyone/etc. I wanted someone who had the same values as me, someone who was not a racist or a misogynist or too narrow-minded with their opinions and perspectives. I wanted someone who was willing to see my side, someone who listened to me. I wanted someone who would be my cheerleader but also who would push me out of my comfort zone.

I have ALL those things and more with my current guy. What I didn't count on was that I was still needy, although my guy has said that I'm the least needy woman he's ever been with (I swear he must have dated a LOT of untreated Al Anon's then, lol, because I always 'feel' needy). I want my guy to touch me at a certain time or offer a hug in a certain way, I couldn't understand why he would sit next to me but NOT put his arm around me and I would get agitated if he put his hand on my knee instead. I have learned to ask him for certain things if I really am feeling that I need his touch or need a hug but I also try to weigh that with a balanced viewpoint that keeps his needs in mind, as well. Sometimes his RA is acting up and he doesn't tell me until later in the day and I realize that he's hurting and I was taking his distance personally or sometimes he's stressed about his move or about work and when he finally spills the beans about it, I can be more compassionate to his needing some space to meditate through his struggles. He certainly doesn't need me hanging on him, he may just need a supportive hug that says, "I understand."

I had these expectations (and I have them with my friendships and with family too) and when people don't do things the way I think they should be done, I 'feel' slighted. I know, today, that that's all about me and about my inner...I hesitate to say it this way, but....my inner child. My ego. My selfishness, etc. And, yes, my codependence. I have to constantly check myself and ask: am I being codependent here or is this a healthy thing to want in friendship/relationship/etc?

I think the biggest struggle I've faced in the past year is really figuring out what is rational vs irrational wants and needs and what are healthy expectations within a relationship. When I tell my Al Anon friends about minor struggles I'm having in my relationship, they think I might be settling. When I tell my 'normal' friends about these struggles they look at me like I have 2 heads and have often said, "Umm, what you have there is a normal relationship and he sounds like a great guy. What the heck are you complaining about?" My friends in program think like I do. We have all had that 'broken picker' issue and we have codependent thinking and relationship skills that are lacking. We all struggle with self love, self acceptance, and self esteem issues.

I will always be working on myself so I figured why not enter into a new relationship and really put my feet to the fire? I love a good challenge, I just didn't realize that the challenge would be ME challenging ME, instead of me challenging the addict in my life or working through the drama of alcoholism.

I think my point in the original post was that I wonder if it's my expectations that get me into trouble and whether they are reasonable or unreasonable? Or is it my wants/needs/codependent thinking, etc? Am I not letting God meet my needs? Am I doing a good job of meeting my own needs? I know today that I am only responsible for me and that expectations lead to resentment in the future, but sometimes I waffle and wonder if I'm giving too much in a relationship and not asking for much in return. But, then I worry that if I'm giving with an expectation of getting something back for myself in return, how is that love? That sounds like a selfish way for me to behave in a relationship/friendship/etc and doesn't sound like a way to love others. I sometimes get bored in my new relationship and I literally had to write down all the fun stuff we've done in the past 10 months since we started dating. I seem to forget that life still has to happen with work and kids and bills to pay...go figure. As a matter of fact, we were just laughing about how we had to crawl under fencing 2 weeks ago when we went to a concert after we had cut across a field, after being told NOT to do that, and we either had to go under or over or we had to turn around.....yeah, I was NOT about to walk another 1/2 mile.

Good luck picking apart my stuff up there, guys. And, for what it's worth, I'm happy today. It's been exactly a year since I moved out from my family home with my alcoholic ex. I'm in a good place and I feel excited about my future.

I have some observations though not some answers!

I think we're all aiming to be in the place you're in - to be in a healthy relationship figuring out how to navigate the waters.

When I first started out in relationships, all those years ago, I really wasn't in touch with my own feelings.  I remember I'd be crabby one day or troubled, and I'd think "Why am I feeling this way?"  I'd have no clue.  I remember once my boyfriend said something cutting to me, and I was angry the rest of the evening, I had no idea why.  I remember him saying, "You are just crazy.  You have these crazy moods that come on for no reason."  But now I understand that the reason was that he had just said, "You should stop trying to be funny, you know.  You're not smart enough to be funny and it just looks lame.  Leave it to people like me who can do it."  You can tell the impact it had by the fact that I remember his exact words all these years later.  But I just didn't connect it with my response.

My point is that now we have awareness, and it's like a little kid learning to walk - when do I use this awareness?  Now in some ways I feel too aware of my moods.  A person says X and I have a response; I remember that I failed to do Y and I have a response; I got too little sleep and I feel crummy and I have a response.  It's like air-traffic control in my brain with all the responses coming and going.

One thing I know is that whenever I'm sick, my responses are altered.  I am much more pessimistic and gloomy, even though I feel as if I have my head on straight.  So I guess one rule I'm trying to practice is "Never draw conclusions when I'm sick."

But we are legitimately more needy when we're sick.  That doesn't mean we're too needy generally - I don't think those correlate. Maybe we just need to ask more for what we want, and extra reassurance and hugs/backrubs/cuddles are appropriate.  It sounds as if you have some extra "credit" from your guy because you're less needy than the other women he's known!  So I'd say go ahead and collect on that credit.   Being sick can be very isolating, which is automatically a mood-lowerer.  So it's totally appropriate to want to get back to feeling connected to the world.  That's my vote!

Iamhere, one thing that I have taken ownership of in my new relationship is MY NEEDS and WANTS. If I am feeling that a need is going unmet, I communicate with my partner and ask him to give it. I always had the resolve then, that he has a choice to say either yes or no. If he continually said no, I would have to re-evaluate our relationship and maybe find someone else to meet my needs. The good news is: he never has said no. He always is willing to oblige my requests.

I also have a responsibility to know that I must actually ask for these things. My partner is not a mind reader. If I find myself discontent I always look inward before accusing my partner of neglecting me or dropping the ball on his end.

And, yes, you're right, it does take a LONG time to get to know someone. There's no rush, even though sometimes I want instant relationship and instant perfect relationship, too!!! Things are good. I'm truly happy today.

Andromeda, your post really resonated with me today. This week I was hospitalized, I got some kind of GI bug, was up all night vomiting and in a lot of pain after there was nothing left to purge as my stomach continued to dry heave in a very forceful and painful way. I have a condition that makes me easily dehydrate, which then leads to cardiac problems for me. So I knew, not being able to keep anything down, even water, I was already dehydrated before my heart started freaking out. I called the dr, made the earliest appt, got in to any available dr and they saw my cardiac stuff (extremely low BP creates extremely high pulse rate) and immediately put me on IV fluids and meds.

The entire time I was vomiting, my ABF was snoring, passed out drunk. In the morning when I was waiting to see the dr, he was passed out drunk. I drove myself to the hospital. Spent 6 hours there alone. When I was finally hydrated and had the medication to be able to keep fluids down, I went home. He was still drunk. Now he was getting annoying because he was hanging all over me and being needy and overly solicitous of my condition that he had not one f**k to give about for the past 24 hours. I tolerated him but I honestly felt a little disgusted by his behavior.

I did not ask him to take me to work the next day. But he kept repeating in the way drunks do how he was going to take me to work the next day, over and over and I kept telling him I was fine with the bus, I didn't need it. (him:) NO, NO... I'm taking you to work. (me: Sigh.) He offered to make me some broth with noodles as it has been days since I had any food. Over an hour later, the pan and the broth were still on the stove along with 4 other things that he was distracted with. I made my own soup. I never asked him, but I hate when he forces his "help" on me and then doesn't follow through. So I sweetly said 'thank you for making me soup", with a sweet smile as I was stirring the noodles in the broth. He was pretty drunk but I could tell by his puzzled look that there was something he felt he should object to. Maybe I should have said nothing. But sometimes it's hard for me to control my snark. This is my issue and I'm really trying to control the urge.

The next morning I got dressed, he was still drunk. I was walking out the door when he said meekly, "do you want me to take you"? I smiled and said no thank you, I'm fine with the bus, and left.
It hurt my stomach a LOT to walk, the movement seemed to kick up the cramps. But I handled it. I had a good day at work, despite the regular episodes of stomach cramping and pain drinking water.
He did not ask once if I was ok, how I was feeling, nothing. And when he is sober he text's me or emails me several times during a day to say he loves me and misses me, etc.

I got home, he was looking pretty run down and haggard. I brought dinner for both of us. I let him know I got my test results back and what was wrong.
He was disinterested. He was distracted. He was distant. So I took my dinner into my room and watched tv, read a book, listened to music. I text'd my mom about my health. He came into the room, didn't speak. He complained about dinner. Went silent again.
I went to bed. I was woken a few times by him leaving the room to go get on the computer in the living room, then coming back to the bedroom, back and forth.

In the past this would have triggered every last one of my insecurities. What is he doing on the computer? Why does he wait til I'm asleep... on and on. I would have to get up, I would get no sleep, beating my head against a brick wall. I would be a mess for work the next day. But I did feel a little anxiety, so I called on my HP to see me through. I slept peacefully, woke up, got in the shower, got ready for work. Still, having to remind myself I am powerless, that my HP needed to take this situation.

He got up, avoided me, didn't speak to me, didn't make any eye contact. So I finally asked him if he was ok, and if he wanted to talk about something. He said no. Normally I would argue that CLEARLY there was an issue. So I said well usually when you wake up the first thing you do is hug me and you haven't even spoken to me, so I was just wondering if you were ok. So he gave me this stiff armed hug that was more of an insult that anything, so I just laughed a little to myself and backed away and said to myself, Ok. I'm done. Detach!
I went to work, I made the early bus, I got to work early and I came here directly and started reading posts and literature to keep my anxiety under control. Reminding myself that there is NO understanding his disease and the behavior that goes with it.

I don't know what made him binge drink this time, for days on end. I don't know what is going on with his distance and weird behavior. It used to make me crazy trying to understand how when he's sober he posts loving messages on my facebook and says loving things to me in person, leaves me love notes when he works nights. But when he is drunk, he is someone else, and after he stops binge drinking, he's someone else yet again.

What I do know now, thankfully, finally, after all these years, is that I don't NEED him to hold my hand when I'm vomiting for 8 hours. I don't NEED him to sit by my bed in the hospital while the dr frantically tries to control my cardiac problems. I can drive myself.
I don't NEED him for anything to be frank.

Would it be nice to have someone care? To be there for me at the hospital? Yes. So I text my mom. She's there for me even though she's far away physically. My needs are met. After nearly 3 years of this and lifetime of this with other people that is the most empowering lesson I have learned. I CAN do these things for myself. Maybe I don't always WANT to, but life isn't going to stop just because I don't get what I want. I have always been there for him in his medical emergencies but I won't turn my life upside down for him anymore.

I detach (ok, saying "with love" might be generous, but I am trying!) when I need to, to keep myself sane because if I don't his disease will swallow me whole and consume my entire life, no matter if I'm in a medical emergency or not.

So THANK YOU! for talking about getting your needs met. I needed this thread to be able to make sense of what I was feeling. I don't NEED him to meet my needs anymore. I am taking care of *me* now. And I feel good about that, I really do. :)

Blessings to you Andomeda! Have you asked your HP what man HE has for you????? I think this can be/make all the difference. Or just asking what plan he has for you period? I think this is key, asking our HP what His plan is for us! Only then you will have peace in your heart.