The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you know I've never had a valentines day card or gift or any of that. I'm not feeling miserable about it or anything; don't worry lol...just reflective.
It used to really upset me. When I was younger I guess I imagined all sorts of romantic futures and then with the guys I have been with, well, I bought plenty of gifts and cards and well, bless em, they just weren't the giving kind.
I used to read the Valentines notices in the newspaper every year and my ex husband knew that I'd always wished there might be one for me and he never put one in for me although I did for him. Silly, I know, and who cares. Another year I had a dozen roses delivered to him at his construction site, ha. Just for laughs really. I think I laughed a lot harder than he did.
But then the year after he left me I was reading the valentines in the newspaper and he'd put one in for his new wife. I wondered if it was a deliberate stab at me. It probably was, who knows. I know I took it hard. Silly me.
What I do know is that as much as it doesn't matter and really goes agains so many of my beliefs, it's always been a bit of a sore point for me. Like, why am I the only girl alive who was never good enough to get anything on Valentines day? But that's pre-al-anon thinking and now my heart can actually hear my brain when it says, "Well Mel, you chose the patners you chose and it doesn't reflect on anything other than that". because it doesn't; I chose messed up people to have messed up reltionships with and really what difference would a card or a bunch of flowers made anyway?
Anyway this year I did have it in mind that i wanted to do something with A, and he was agreeable to spending a romantic day just heading to the beach for a picnic or something like that. And then when I spoke to him yesterday he didn't have any money and I started to organise to put money in his bank account for him to get a train ticket and then I thought, really? So i didn't, and I haven't heard from him other than a single teddy-bear emoji sent to me on Skype this evening, and pfft whatever. Does it count as my first valentine? lol!
I got a lot of work done today. House is clean, study done, pre-cooked some meals for daughter and I to eat this week as it's going to be a busy one, and I guess that's that.
So anyway i don't feel sad as I said, but more intrigued by the fact that this has upset me for so many years. I guess I felt I had no value and I was looking for some kind of heart-shaped or chocolate covered or rose-scented proof that someone valued me?
Well I value me, enough to give myself a clean house, a fridge full of yummy tasty meals and another step closer to the career i have wanted for such a long time. So, Happy Valentines Day, me.
And everyone else too.
(((everyone)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Sorry to hear it. Hope your day unfolds better than expected!!
(((mirandac)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have had this issue too. I remember once when my boyfriend (later my husband) did nothing for me on Valentine's Day - while I got him a card and a thoughtful gift - he said, "I should have known you'd want me to go through the motions." So the following year he "went through the motions." He'd give me cards he hadn't even signed - just picked them up randomly at the store, so they'd say things that didn't even apply - "On our anniversary, dear wife" when we weren't even married, stuff like that. Also birthdays were like that, needless to say.
Mel, I notice that you call yourself "silly" and other words like that because you were bothered by the coldness. That's what I told myself too. But here's what I think now. I think the inability to be generous on Valentine's Day and birthdays is a reliable sign of a person who is emotionally cold and unreliable. In short, a person we shouldn't be with.
Note, I'm not saying that when couples agree not to celebrate, and it genuinely doesn't matter to either of them, that there's something wrong with that. Also, celebrating Valentine's and birthdays doesn't automatically mean a guy is wonderful.
But how much effort does it take to buy a card and a little something? Or to write a nice little note? Or to show up somewhere? It takes hardly any physical effort. What it takes is the effort to care for someone else and to see outside the circle of one's own navel. If a person doesn't have the capacity for that, they're a bad bet.
It's true that we can be our own Valentines. But now I'm coming to see that for years I settled for people who were emotionally crippled. Their sh***y behavior on Valentine's Day wasn't that I didn't deserve love, or that I wanted something extreme. It was a flashing red sign that said I CARE ONLY FOR MYSELF AND YOU CAN LIVE ON CRUMBS. I wish I'd paid attention to that years earlier.
Those caring people are out there. But I had myself convinced it was crumbs or nothing.
-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 14th of February 2016 01:17:39 PM
Valentine's Day has WAY too much power over us, eh? On February 14th the stores are crowded with men who never usually go in them, guys standing in line to buy things they hope will appease the woman so she doesn't take it out on him that he didn't do enough for this lovey-dovey day. I don't want any more valentine's days like that! My first ex always got stuff for the day, but it just meant a day when I HAD to have "adult fun" with him because he got me stuff, which was about as romantic as cleaning a toilet - blech, no, no more faking happiness and love for a man who treated me like my only true purpose in life was to relieve his sexual tension! My second ex got stuff too, making a big deal of Love and Valentine's Day but it was really hard to "celebrate" the specialness of the day in between days being yelled at and while waiting for the fighting to resume. Like a puppy being afraid to come to the person that just beat it, just because they are holding out a treat, leery of the hand you don't see snapping out of nowhere to slap you again as soon as you let your guard down.
So now I'm alone, have been for over 4 years and I would rather be alone loving my peace and serenity, than be back in either type of relationship. I want someone in my life; someone I can laugh with, someone who sees my negatives but wants me because of my positives. I want someone in my life but only the right someone!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Valentines day was never much of a problem For me other holidays were though.
My ex and i had gift giving Problems. He never liked anything and i was only to spend my own money which at the time Was not much.
It got so bad at christmas i would put it all in one box So he could grunt. He still holds it against me that I did not show love thru gifting. Some people you Just can not please or make happy no matter what You do.
Some people are so easy to buy for, other people Are very difficult. Its the pleasing again here that Is at issue not so much the gifting.
Come to think of it, i totally displeased him at the End :)
Happy Valentines Day everyone
((((((((( big hugs ))))))))
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 14th of February 2016 02:23:13 PM
Lovely, lovely share Mel......I love you - does that help?
I am so not into 'it'....and truly never was/have been. I got a ton of attention as a young dashingly pretty gal back in the day and well - it was just that - for show. I just posted in another thread that the commercialization of all these 'special days' and holidays has so taken away from the intent - it's not even funny.
I'd rather my love buy me a cup of coffee than a card. I'd rather have a living plant than a bouquet of flowers. I'm about proper treatment every day - not just these days. I don't need another to hold my hand or hug me to know how they feel. My AH is hanging sheetrock @ our rental home - that's a priceless gift to me that will work perfectly fine!! Sheetrock is heavy - I dreaded trying to do it and he readily did so.
I live where Hallmark is.....their business has diminished by 70%+ over the last 20 years....sad for them but it's a new day and so many now text or post videos or do nothing as they are in constant contact through technology always! I've already gotten one call + 10 texts for Happy Val. Day - and none are from my AH or my A Son(s)....my first born actually called to see if I would come over to babysit so he can do homework!!!
So - in my life, it's just another day. I don't need a card, gift or other to feel loved. It's all good in my world and I am grateful for that.
Keep writing for us Mel - you have such a way with words/stories!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Happy Valentines day to all my sweet pals here. about a month ago i shredded all the cards like that from soon to be XAH. He always wrote the same messages and then bought the cards and never gave them to me the last few yrs. i found them when cleaning. Actions speak louder than words. would have prefered a serious stab at his sobriety from him to me. But ...thats ok
new guy shows me the principles of valentines- respect,thoughtfulness,sweetness and a clear vision of me wanting autonomy as well as partnership
