The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My qualifier hit me in the face with this one yesterday. And I've been unable to understand how two people can love each other so much, yet be so bad for each other. That we lose ourselves in each other and it continues to spiral out of control.
Is the answer really just let go - and maybe someday we can find our way back to some kind of middle ground? Or let go completely, and lose a very important person in my life. I've known this person 30 years, and it's always been the same way. Are we just destined to be without each other, never knowing what we really could be together.
I've been trying to find a way to forget everything, and can't.
I'm feeling lost today, and obsessing over trying to find answers, and can't.
marnie - I believe it was Betty (hotrod) who said it best - a relationship/partnership/marriage is not about two becoming one. It's about two walking side by side in a peaceful harmony with boundaries, respect of self & other and love of self & others. She wrote it much better but that's the message I walked away with.
When I got to the program, I was a very black/white thinker. I've been that way for all my life (that I can remember). There was right/wrong, good/evil - you get it. The program has taught me shades of gray. I can be right and so can another. I can be wrong and so can another. I can be a part of a win/win situation, even if it is a stretch for my comfort zone. I can allow others to do what they want/need and minimize the impact on me (detaching). Lastly, I can love someone from across the street, the town or the country if necessary.
You sound truly hurt and 'raw' right now. I am sorry you are in pain. My hope is that you can align with your program and pull out a tool/two/ten that will help you feel a bit better. I can share from my own experience that it's very, very hard to grow/change/recover if I am still obsessed with what another person is doing, saying or being. It's when I am able to truly let go and know I will be OK that I find peace.
Breathe deep, and do something good for you today. 30 years is a long time, and I don't see where you have to cut/run in one day. Process what he has said and take what you like and leave the rest....(this works greatly for me well beyond the rooms of recovery)!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
totally agree, i too had to face a failed marriage after 25 yrs. it was and is very hard. The reward is finding yourself again and having the space empty and ready for new things after using it to store his mess
Marnie, only you can answer all these questions. 30 years is a long time to be with another person.
Try not to obsess to find answers, turn it over to your higher power, then let go of it. The answers will come.
You don't say if he is still drinking or sober. If he is drinking he won't remember he asked you.
Take care of yourself...try to detach, sometimes when we do this we see things clearer.
He's been sober for 9 years. We've always been connected in a very intense way our whole lives. But only recently together in a relationship. We got completely lost in each other to the point of implosion and I think it was just too much for either of us to handle. But I'm so afraid of losing him completely - and I'm holding on for dear life...which is the very definition of co-dependency.
