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Hi everyone...first post here. I am an active member of AA (I am an alcoholic) in my community and truly have a love for the fellowship of AA. My wife have an compulsive eating disorder and attends OA meetings online. The other night, My sponsor suggested I attend some Al Anon meetings to gain some experience strength and hope from existing participants...hence this post (I live in a small community with only 1 Al Anon meeting per week). My wife has not been attending OA meetings too long and she only attends online meetings. I am having a very very difficult time trying to not chime in on her recovery and how she is going about it. I really feel like she needs the fellowship of an actual 12 step meeting. It is causing me to pull away from her emotionally as I know she is still binging and purging, yet is not honest about it and does not reach out to people in her online group when she is struggling. My brain tells me to let her run her own life and her own recovery but my heart sees her in pain and wants to help. Can you all share any advice with me? It would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared! I am also a double-winner (AA first, 28 years) and Al-Anon, 6+ years.
Your brain is 'right' and I fully understand the disconnect between your head and heart. 2 of my qualifiers (the term we use for those who brought us to Al-Anon) are my sons. It is beyond heart-breaking to watch someone you love destroy their life. I talked for a long, long time in the rooms about this. I am an intelligent person and could digest and understand all the words in the literature, but my heart would ache, ache, ache.
I finally found relief and some alignment between the two by working the steps of Al-Anon. They are the same - slightly modified - as for AA but the intent and depth you reach on this side of the table is deeper. That's my experience anyways!
My best suggestions are to remember she's battling a disease. Even though I was in recovery and understood the disease aspect, I still viewed my qualifiers as 'making bad choices'. It took a ton of surrendering to HP as well as acceptance that what they wanted/needed in their life was vastly different than what I thought they should have/be/do, but I got there. In Al-Anon we talk about the 3 C's - We didn't cause it, We can't control it and We can't cure it.
I never give up hope for those with addictive issues. As long as there is breath, there is hope. We try in Al-Anon to work on ourselves and keep the focus on what we are doing, how we are acting, reacting, processing, growing, etc. When we focus on the qualifier and what they are doing or have done, we're misguided. The fastest path to peace and serenity for me was working the steps, detaching with love and letting them go trusting that God will protect, lead and take care of them when he intends to do so.
You are not alone and glad you are here! Keep going to your meeting, even if it's one per week. Keep in mind that law of attraction...it crosses borders, boundaries and programs. Work on getting yourself as centered as possible and pray that she'll 'see' the value of fellowship and surrender.
(((Hugs))) to you, keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere. Really appreciate you comments and glad I was able to connect with someone is a similar position. I guess my question to you is: through prayer to my HP, surrendering everything to Him and everything else that comes along with that, do I essentially attempt to disconnect myself from that entirely? My difficulty is that right now I am trying to disconnect myself from it, but it is causing me to disconnect from her emotionally, which could lead down the nasty path of resentment. I want to know how she is doing and show her I care, but I feel like I cannot even bring it up because her walls of defense will skyrocket. I think the bottom line for me is that I need to make it a priority to take care of myself and not her addiction effect mine (that is what my ultimate fear is).
Through Al-Anon, I've learned to detach with love. For me with my qualifiers, it took assistance/help from a sponsor. In theory, I just had to set up boundaries for self-protection. I tend to be cordial but never ask questions any more. My questions were always a POC (Point of Contention) as they were heard/received as nosiness and prying. I'm even cautious with how are you and/or how was your day.....so - we have become a bit disconnected.
However, in my world, the non-verbal queues were easier to modify. My body language used to be very obvious - anyone could tell when I was angry, confused, etc. even when I didn't speak. So, I disconnected with my mouth but would still smile or give a hug - as I do love my qualifiers. I would listen if/when they wanted to talk and took all my concerns, fears, etc. to my sponsor.
Slowly the tension in the home diminished and they decided a was not a threat.....mine tend to view me as the 'enemy' as I am active in recovery and they are not. It's just a strange dance they started when they wanted to pick fights and cause drama to remove the attention from themselves.
All I did was put me first. I went to meetings as often as possible (either side) to step up my own personal commitment to recovery. I've never gone to a meeting that I left feeling the same or worse - always better. I would go for walks, play with the dog, disappear to read a book - I just stopped obsessing over anything that was outside of me. It's not easy - it requires a commitment and dedication to acceptance and it was truly hard at first - mine don't like change or being self-reliant.
I had always walked on egg-shells, cooked the meals, managed the schedules, etc. did all those things I thought a mom should do. However, when I began trying to prepare them to be independent, they had no interest as they were already experimenting and they knew deep down I would not let any balls drop. That all changed when I changed. They lost jobs, they wore dirty work uniforms, they missed family events, etc. They wanted to be left alone with exception to my enabling - they used a push me away/pull me back again strategy and I felt like a yo-yo for a while.
It will be a bit different for you, but the principles of the program are the same. Put you first. When you wake each day, do what you need to do for your recovery first. Then fill in your day around your priorities and those of the family. I had to let mine learn the natural consequences of life and it was harder before it got easier....
Work your program. Let her work hers, even if it seems to be limited/lacking. See where HP leads you and her. Remind yourself often that she is ill and remember what you loved in the beginning. I believe it's still 'there' somewhere in mine - perhaps I am a hopeless romantic kind, but I am not one to just blame them, blame the disease and move on. If I can salvage/have a relationship that is different than expected but not damaging, I'll take that over nothing...
HTH!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
