I finally made it to a face to face Al-anon meeting Monday night. It was great to discuss what I was feeling and the anger I was in. The ABF was drunk and I went to the meeting anyways. He had been on a 24 hour bender starting Monday and ending only yesterday. He had kept me up as he talked and talked to himself non stop. He says he was praying to god-bull. When he drinks, he talks non stop for days on end. There is not a moment of silence. Its so sad. I went to the gym and worked out for 15 minutes and went to the steam room and hot tub to get out of the house and away from the talking. I had planned to get to another meeting but I was so tired I could not. I thought my brain would explode from hearing the talking. I swear I was going mentally off the wall myself. I tried my best to ignore the talking but it was non stop. I need to find a way to disengage when that happens. I still have not found a solution, except lock myself in the computer room, listen to music and read on here. I am still angry as he is in denial of his problem. I said I would go to a AA meeting with him but he did not want to attend. Instead, he went to sleep as he was exhausted. I would be to after being up for so long and talking non stop. I am so sick of the alcoholism. I have had enough of it. I want a sane life and I fear when I am well enough I will have to return to work and I will have to deal with this insanity again. I have choices, and I have been trying to think it out. There is a basement in the house and I need to create a home down there for myself so I can have sleep and have some sanity. The problem is he will come down stairs and bother me. I have been thinking of what can I do? Get a door built with a lock so he can not bother me. I am angry that I allow his alcoholism to control me like this. I am angry that he does not see a problem with his drinking. He says the right things, but does nothing to address it. I am angry that he is an alcoholic. I am angry that I allow myself to be affected by his alcoholism. I deserve better than this. I am slowly understanding this. I am understanding that he is sick but why should I be to. Why is that I have to suffer too? I have been reading a lot about alcoholism and doing what I can to help myself but I still am angry. When is the drinking going to start again. I figure today again. I have told him clearly, if you are going to drink, you need to go elsewhere. I might as well talk to the wall. He feels he has the right to cause me misery and keep me up all night and day with his useless talk. I am tired of running. I deserve a right to be home and he can leave. How do I enforce this boundary? How do I make him leave and drink elsewhere away from me? There is a garage he can use and drink in all he wants but again he does not want to go there. I even suggested he get a hotel room and he can drink and talk to himself all he wants there. Again its useless trying to get him to follow through. I want to be in my house and he can leave and do his business elsewhere. Just having alcoholism around my living space effects me badly. I hate seeing the empty beer cans, hearing the crack of the can, cigarette smoke, talking non stop, the filth in the house from his using. I try to ignore it but it makes me skin crawl. I get so mad and I feel so scared as I feel I am homeless. I have been homeless a lot when I was a child and anytime my home feels unstable, the fear of being homeless rips me up inside. I need structure to be stable. I am so angry right now and feel hopeless once again. For now the home is quite and he is not drinking but for how long before the misery starts again. I hate being on this roller coaster. I deserve sanity in my home. I just am in fear now! Thanks for letting me rant!