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I'm sure not feeling like I'm making the right choices lately and have been asking my HP to guide me. I'm also trying to let go and let God but am still struggling. I read that I should be able to show compassion for my AH. At this point in time, it's highly likely I will move on but am not quite there yet. I want him to stop drinking but can't control this so am doing my best to stay in the 20 year marriage to see if I can make this work knowing that he may be an AH until the day he dies.
It's hard doing this when I don't like him and he expects me to put forth an effort to make the marriage work. My reaction to this is, "I don't want to even talk to you much less feel passion for you." This leads to compassion. He has asked if I would just hug him once in awhile. He said it doesn't need to lead to sex or even intimate touching only closeness for him. I think I can do this without opening up myself but what's the point. I still love him and just wish he would stop drinking. Is it OK to show compassion because I still love him?
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It is my responsibility alone to make the right choices. I will make the right choices today.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. My take on this is that there are two separate things doing on here. One is the feeling of compassion that we try to cultivate towards our A's. Usually that comes after a lot of practice at detachment. When we know that they no longer have the power to ruin our day or disturb our serenity, we can view them in a more compassionate light. Knowing that no one would have chosen to be an alcoholic, and that they are hurting themselves as much as they're hurting other people. Kind of a caring sorrow.
The other thing is when they want us to behave lovingly towards them. I'm all for behaving in a caring fashion, though it's a tall order when they're drunk and disorderly, lying, racking up debt, and behaving in destructive ways generally. Even so, it would be good for us to be in a place where we can look on them in with the caring sorrow, protecting ourselves but acknowledging the sadness of this person being in such a terrible state.
However, when the A himself suggests that I should behave more caringly, I confess I do tend to get my hackles up. It so often really means "Give me a free pass! Indulge me in pretending that the drinking doesn't really matter and that I'm treating you well!" Putting on the pretense is hard, and there's the danger of it sliding over into enabling. It doesn't do either of us any good if I pretend that the drinking doesn't affect me.
So if my A asked me for a hug, I guess I would think, "Am I really feeling it? Can I get myself into a state of compassion where this would be coming from a caring place? Or would I just be gritting my teeth?" I put up with a lot of stuff while I gritted my teeth, and I'm working on being more authentic now. So maybe I could be fine giving a hug. Or maybe it would just be a pat on the shoulder, or me saying, "Let me get you a cup of tea." Or whatever felt kind but right.
Your answers will be different for you, because everyone's situation is different. Take good care of yourself.
I dont have any insight to offer other than to say that Im with you on this and would love to hear others feedback to your post. I too have been with my AH for a total of 20 years. After the latest drama between us l finally said I'd had enough of the madness I told him that Im filing for separation...havent had the money to do it yet though but he doesnt know that. Since then he's been asking for affection/attention and wanting to 'make up' I told him I still love him but I just dont have the capacity for neither compassion or affection right now...that too much has happened. I know it sounds mean but its just the way I feel right now. I do however find myself feeling 'sorry' for him though at times and Im scared it could lead to me being a doormat again...the ESH that I take from others' posts on this board and from my sponsor is that we have to be incredibly gentle with ourselves and not to put pressure on ourselves to feel or be one way or another...but to just 'be' .. stay in constant prayer for guidance and direction and not to 'act' out of fear of 'standing still' or out of fear what someone will say or do if you dont.
Take care...(((hugs)))
NeedPeace,
I'm with you on this one. I've been married to my AH for 21 years and I'm running out of compassion. I'm new to alanon. I wish I would have reached out sooner. I'm in no financial position to leave him right now and honestly do love him, but I'm reaching my limit. I am interested to see the responses to your post and always here to chat if you need to.
I don't personally like the word "compassion" because it seems manipulative. I also don't like the attitude behind "pity", but I find I can pity my AH for having a disease that he didn't want and doesn't understand in the way that I understand.
So I pity him and hope that it looks like "compassion" for the PC crowd. I have great compassion for what we have to go through stone sober.
About the hugs etc....... I found I had to follow my heart. If I felt like it I did. Otherwise I would not be manipulated into it. I learned how to say "no", "no thanks", "are you kidding me?", "later", and I was comfortable with all the answers. I also had to live through his having cancer and saying "don't touch me". It didn't bother me at all. And I also learned that I was applying MY reaction/response to his emotions. What I thought was a cruel response to him was really nothing to him because he was just fishing.
I hear ya it is hard at times. My compassion comes from having known him for so long. Remembering who he was before the disease progressed in him. Loving that part of him. And then judginger one day at a time about the affection piece. For me I try really hard to see when I am talking to him and when I am talking to the disease. The disease repulses me and I can't give affect ton when it is showing it's ugly face. But I can be loving and kind when he isn't drunk or intoxicated. I have also felt at times my ah wants hugs and reassurance I won't leave after he has done something I did t like. I wont do that then. I judge it one day at a time.
I GUESS HAVING RESCUED MYSELF FROM MY MARRIAGE OF 25 YEARS MAKES ME A LITTLE KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT THIS. COMPASSION ? i HAVE TROUBLE JUST LOOKING AT HIM. i GUESS I ONT FORGIVE HIM YET. iTS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I COULD STOMACH ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT. tHIS IS A MAN THAT REALLY HAS GIVEN UP ON LIFE.
iM FOR LIVING.. iM FOR HAVING A TERRIFIC NON ADDICTED BOYFRIEND WHICH I HAVE NOW AND BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF, MY BILLS,MY FEELINGS,MY DIRECTION. IM REALLY OVER WISHING HE HAD HAD COMPASSION FOR ME
For me part of that answer was "how do I show compassion to everyone else"? I learned my current definition and practice for love from an Al-Anon member years ago after she spoke about her loving behavior with her own alcoholic. "Love is the COMPLETE AND TOTAL ACCEPTANCE ...of every other human being for exactly who they are". Today I have little prejudice and judgement for others that I could use as examples of why I am doing so bad in life. When I learned the definition my love for my alcoholic returned and it wasn't that touchy/feely love I had early on...it was the complete and total acceptance without condition type which is a freedom from egotistical pain I use to suffer and get spiritually sick from. Another practice I learned was to place myself in the same condition as the alcoholic and ask myself what would I do and how would I act under the same strain...How would I wish to be treated?
I arrived also at the meditation "How does HP see and accept me"? "Does HP put conditions on HP's love for me"? I learned that I was loved and accepted still when I was at my very worse even during the drinking and using phases...How could I love less? I could see that HP was the essence of the definition and realized that the earliest name for God I was give was "Love". I learned further that most often when I was being unloving it was because I was afraid and when the love was present I wasn't. Some where in our ODAAT daily reader it says that "we do not punish or harm sick people" (paraphrase) and we know that the alcoholic and addict are truly sick people.
How do I show compassion for the alcoholic...unconditional love. ((((hugs))))
To me your first paragraph seems to speak of accepting that your husband is as he is, that you accept that his choices are his to make. When I reached that stage I was better able to separate my needs and self care from my husband's actions and I felt comfortable with that because I was being respectful of him, treating him more like an adult and respecting his right to choose what he wants to do. I prefer the word respect to the word compassion since the compassion word shifts me towards trying to heal and care for, neither of which I'm being asked to do. I do have compassion, but I don't take it as an instruction.
The next step for me was self-care, preserving my self esteem and being authentic and true to my own feelings. I was, and still am, very out of practice on that front! So there is a part of me that would love to give my husband a hug when he asks for affection and sometimes there is a part of me that feels like I'm selling out in that particular moment. These days I pause to see if I feel manipulated or uncomfortable about the hug idea, or if I am feeling comfortable in that moment and ready to share a loving hug.
I am married to an AH for 17+ years. I feel like we just have a platonic relationship now. I don't like to kiss him anymore because he smells like beer all the time, but I miss that part of our relationship. I sometimes do have compassion for him because I know he did not choose to be an alcoholic, but then again, the alcoholism has really destroyed our marriage. I do sometimes put my arm around him. He misses hugging and cuddling, but I have a hard time with this. I don't really see any change coming because he is never going to stop drinking and I have finally accepted that I have no control over that. I have tried everything and finally started Al-Anon last summer. It helps, but I still feel so lonely because of his drinking and my feelings towards that.
I know exactly what you mean. If you can stand to read my lengthy (sorry) post, I touched on that in an argument we had. I told him I have sex with him on Sunday mornings because it is the only time he is not drunk! He is always wanting to grab at me and when I resist, I get the "Of course you don't want to hug, kiss, make love, ETC to me" Sarcastically of course. Then I start feeling like, while He is grumbling that, does he even THINK how disrespectfully he is treating ME???? No, they don't. They can't. They live in their fantasy world. Pitty is what I mostly feel for him right now. I have known this man since we were 4 years old!!!! LONG time! 50 years! I miss the loving fun times we had years ago, and I resent that. But i pitty him. That's all I can do, and enjoy the times he ISNT drunk, and keep it seperate from me. I have my other tings in life that I can be proud of. He owns his own drinking. Take care of yourself! (((((HUGS)))))
