The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about how detrimental gossip is in our recovery. The quote from Courage to Change is: "Gossip never enriched anyone's character. It was only an excuse to avoid focusing on myself." The reason I like this quote so much is it is a reminder to keep the focus on ourselves and be accountable for the reasons we don't. As a middle school teacher I would like to have this quote prominently displayed in my classroom-- does anyone here know if that would be permitted? What I have felt from gossiping or being gossiped about is 'less than...' If I ever participate in gossip- I immediately have that feeling: 'oh Mary, you know you can do better than that' and most of the time I fall back into a negative habit like that if I'm not settled with something in my own life. Talking or speculating about other people and whatever issues they are grappling with serves no positive purpose.
I can understand why the program presents gossip as a major obstacle in recovery. I am thinking again of my students, who are in their prime gossiping years. When they begin talking about someone else my line is always: "you have one person to be concerned with: you". So I start this Tuesday reminding myself: "I have one person to be concerned with: me!"
Hi Mary Thanks for sharing on this important principle The C2C speaks k about a similar subject today . When I worked my 5th Step, I found that I enjoyed Gossip because it took the focus off myself and found defects in others-- That made me look better (to myself) as I felt good because others were more flawed. Love how alanon is a fellowship of equal requires anonymity and supports the principles of no gossip or criticism. All very healthy attitudes for recovery
The slogan "Compare and Despair" i also very powerful.
Have a great day.
Good morning Mary - thank you for the daily and for your ESH. I was one who used to gossip and it was eye-opening to me how detrimental it was to my own growth/learning. I too learned while working the steps that this was one way that I deferred blame and focus from me to others. I too can see how this practice would limit recovery and am grateful that we work to be equals learning from each member in a peaceful meeting environment.
I am one who tries hard to not share about others - good or bad. I have my own truth and my own story and other's actions, successes or mis-steps are not mine to share. I have no control or power over another and keeping the focus on me and my recovery does keep my mind and heart centered. I love that Compare and Despair quote as well - it reminds me that there is nothing to gain by comparing how I feel on my insides to how another appears on the outside - everybody has something going on, and kindness and empathy rule the day.
It's a beautifully, cold morning here in my world, and I am off to the National Cemetery to lay my Aunt to rest with my Uncle. I have a bit of a drive to arrive, and will have a drive to process on the return. Everyone have a blessed day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Such a tough one for me....I lived with an alcoholic husband for 43 years; the last 20 he was a dry drunk. He abruptly left me, and I am left to either speculate about him or deal with the Self I have denied and neglected for 43 years. Through the program, I know that I have to keep the focus on my recovery, but in weeding through how it was that I could have been in denial for 4 decades, it is very, very hard not to cast him sole-y in the role of Abuser and me as Survivor.
In meetings, I want to share the pain he has caused me, not the pain I caused myself. He left me in such a cruel and brutal way, that I want everyone to know he is not the perfect man that he portrays himself as. With friends, I want to keep letting them know how I have been wronged, not my role in this.
I have a lot of work to do, and slowly, through Al Anon, I am starting to let go of my tendency to control by letting others control. I know that trash-talking about him is actually continuing to relinquish my control to him. Just for today, I will be conscious of the words that come out of my mouth. True forgiveness seems so remote at this point, but hearing others' stories reassures me it will come.
Great insight Rosemeyer.
I can so relate; when my ex H left me with a baby I couldn't talk about anything else for a long, long time; it was so important to me to make sure everyone knew "the terrible truth". When I started to learn through al-anon about detachment and keeping the focus on me, staying in the now etc, I finally started to be free of the resentment towards him and towards my current A partner and that was a magical gift because that resentment and "need for everyone to know" was literally poisoning me. I didn't deserve that because the reality was, he/they HAD done some really awful things to me and I was choosing to relive and suffer through those things over and over again every day!! As they say, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It wasn't Him/them that were being 'let off the hook" when I let go, but ME!!
Good on you for seeing that; you deserve to live free from resentment and anger.
Glad you are here!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Please be gentle with yourself, i am wearing down
Now after moving 13 miles away and starting real
detachment And no contact for six months. It is still
hard, i pretty much just close my mouth i know What
i know and my truths are mine. It is still hard when
They have hurt you so deeply. You want to lash out.
I just need to face my truths and also come totally
out Of denial as i am strong enough. I had to face
he truly wanted out for a long time and Did not care
after 30 years.
I know "back in the day" that I would talk about others because I didn't want to talk about myself. I didn't want anyone to look at me, to see me. I didn't like to be in the limelight unless it could be perfect, but then no one is ever perfect, so I avoided attention by trying to keep attention on others.
I was great at small talk because I would get others to talk about themselves. If they asked about me I would give some stupid tidbit and then get them talking about themselves again. When they were tired of that I went on to the next victim.
