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I'm new to this forum, i came on here because i'm looking for some advice from other people that may have been in my position before.
I have been dating a lovely man for 6 years, i wasn't aware initially that he was an alcoholic. He told me 2 years into the relationship. From that point onwards i encouraged him to join AA to get the support he needed to quite drinking as this was his greatest desire.
6 months ago he joined AA and it has been a wonderful life changing experience for him. He is committed to his sobriety and its fantastic.
My problem is that we have a long distance relationship, we see each other every 2 weeks and we always have a fun time together. I've noticed though that he is very selfish and always put his own needs before mine. When he was drinking he said he couldn't think about his future / our future together in anyway so wouldn't discuss our relationship. Now he is sober he says the same thing, but gives different reasons, now its that has to put his sobriety first and can only think day to day and gets very stressed if i ever ask about our future together.
I suppose i am looking for advice from someone out there that may have had this experience themselves? Will it always be like this?
I invested 6 years with this lovely gentle man, however I'm worried that nothing will ever change.
I'm a very successful business woman with lovely children. i get asked on dates by very lovely men often but always say no because of my commitment to my boyfriend. However I'm starting to wonder whether i should walk away and start a relationship with someone else.
all advice would be so gratefully received as i cannot speak to my family or friends about this difficult subject.
Happy Girl I am pleased your BF is experiencing recovery and attending AA. Alcoholism is a chronic, 3 fold disease that can be arrested but never cured. The disease affects everyone (the person who drinks and the family) physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Once the drinking stops, then the spiritual and emotional portions of the disease must be addressed and treated. This takes much time and effort. It is not wise to have any expectations of anyone so that, I think the better question to ask yourself is:" what can you expect from yourself now that he is changing in recovery?
I think the best answer to that question is to Search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic we develop negative coping tools such as making our needs invisible so we can take care of others. This leads to reduced self esteem and self worth . Alanon offer new and constructive tools to live by and a support group to practice with. We too need to learn too focus on ourselves, take care of ourselves first, while we connect with others in a healthy fashion.
There is hope and help Keep coming back
Welcome Happy Girl
HotRod has a brilliant view. I am so grateful to the person who suggested I attend alanon meetings. It has been the backbone of my movement from bewilderment to a good life.
It is there I saw I was hidden by my mistaken thinking. The friends I met at alanon accepted me at whatever stage of awareness I presented. We all remember what it's like to be new.
Keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP Happy Girl. Glad you found us and glad you shared!
I too believe the best suggestion is to find a meeting and attend. Al-Anon gives so much to us - tools, insight, fellowship, support - as we work to understand the disease of alcoholism and how it affects the diseased but also most others who live with or love them. Alcoholism/Addiction are considered family disease(s) as the reach is well beyond the afflicted.
One of the principles of 12 Step recovery programs is living One Day at a Time. This is most likely a primary influence in your current state of uncertainty. Your ABF is being true to the suggestions in recovery from what I have read. Congrats. to him for seeking a sober life!!!
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Not advising one way or another but you clearly described giant gaps in communication and not being on the same page regatding commitment. It should not be so difficult to have these discussions in a relationship and come to agreement or not. Some of his not being able to commit or communicate in the way you want may be due to his early recovery and lingering alcoholic thinking and behaviors. Or...it could just be he is not emotionally available. Do some soul searching and see if you are willing to continue with this or if it is not meeting your needs. He might be a nice guy in many ways, but that doesn't mean he is what you are looking for.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of January 2016 11:14:33 AM
My experience is this - you know the saying "When a person tells you who they are, believe them"? That's what I should have done when various men I was involved with at various times told me they were not available for longterm commitment. They underwent all kinds of other changes, but they never became available. I think we often have hope that if other things change, that will change too. But I think it's actually a "What we see is what there is" kind of situation.
The situation sounds like just what he wants, but not just what you want. In my experience, that equation won't change if he stops drinking. He will then be a non-drinking unavailable man. You obviously have many options, and you don't have to make an all-or-nothing decision right now. But my guess is that your spidey-sense that he is not going to be available is right on the mark.
