The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
She texted me in the middle of December. It was the first time I've heard from any of them in nearly 3 years. I'm going along pretty smoothly and then bam, my head explodes. I'm so angry that I even responded. I want to reconcile but I also know that if I go back it will be the same patterns over again because that's exactly how the text conversation went. It was me trying to be level and respond in a way that would get the best response from her. I was manipulative and so was she. She told me she would talk to my sister and get back with me. Hasn't happened and I'm in limbo again. I so wish I wouldn't have responded.
I'm in so much pain over this because her main reason for texting me was to tell me that my baby sister is pregnant and she wants us all to get along to welcome the new baby. I tried to reach out to my sister last year and she rejected me. I don't want to go through that again. She's angry with me about the fact that I couldn't let my parents live here. I'm missing out on her pregnancy. But I'm not gonna beg, I already did that. It was humiliating. I cried on the phone with my sister like a baby. She didn't care. I know she doesn't care about what I've been through.
What I want is for my sister to really see me. I feel like none of them can see me except for my mother. I'm afraid of reconciling with my mother though because I know how easily I bend to her will and she is very good at manipulating me. That's why I couldn't take her call and texted instead because I know that if I talk to her I will say things I don't really mean in order to make her happy which is how we got in this mess to begin with. I couldn't tell her what I was really feeling and what I really wanted until I was so angry that I exploded. I did try to tell her but she never heard me. I could have tried harder but I've never really stood up for myself to her.
The thing is I understand her pain and I want so much to make it better for her. That's all I've ever wanted. I guess that part of the fight was me realizing that I'm not capable of it. And that's why I stay away. I can't face the fact that I can't fix it. I want her to be happy, live in a big house in the country with all the things she wants like goats and chickens. But they are living in a condo with my pregnant sister and her husband. I have no way of fixing it. I don't have the money or the energy to help her through her emotional problems. I have so many of my own that I discovered after the big fight.
I miss my mom. But I can't go back to the way things were.
((Star)))This is indeed a dreadful disease. Keep taking care of yourself and find a meeting and the support you need. Remember we are powerless over others
That tends to be my problem, and in my case, the reason I enabled my AD for so long! I just wanted her to be happy and have all of the things in life that she wanted. I agree with Betty! This is a dreadful disease. (((Hugs))) to you star and thoughts and prayers, as well. I, too, hope that you have a good support system and are able to attend a meeting. It's hurts fiercely when old wounds are opened up, once again!
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KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
I hope you'll continue to take care of yourself. It sounds like mom has put something in front of you (your sister's pregnancy) and is holding you responsible for the unity of the family. You neither have the power to unite your family or separate them. The responsibility to show up and be a family belongs to each person in the family. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. I hope you won't guilt yourself or allow yourself to be guilted. It's a lonely ride for those of us who come from alcoholism. We keep wish lists and dream of being a family with those who either can't or won't change. Our wish is so great at times that we're willing to do our part and theirs to be a family. From experience, it didn't work for me. It only made me feel nervous and sick and my efforts were never enough. Eventually, my instincts toward self preservation outweighed my ache to be a family. I just couldn't keep showing up to be drawn in and pushed away at a whim by family members. That kind of abandonment can take a greater toll because each time you engage you're hoping this time it will be different. I just didn't have it in me to keep being let down so I've retreated and chosen to distance myself from that kind of hurt. It's an emotional rollercoaster ride that I'm just not up for.
This program has shown me that my life is journey that includes myself and my higher power's will for me not the bending of my will to suit other people's desires. We lose some family along the way when we choose to put hp's will above theirs. You talked about family members "seeing you." It is sad that our family members are not willing to honor and respect us as the people we are but when I repeatedly gave myself away, I ended up with nothing left of myself for myself.
You're understood and supported here. We love each other unconditionally in Alanon and sometimes refer to Alanon as our "family of choice." I guess we're lucky to have this program and the people in it. It's certainly helped me to feel less alone. I hope you do too. Thank you for sharing and being here for recovery with me. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 30th of January 2016 09:21:11 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can relate. Be gentle on yourself. I liked the honesty and clarity you had in admitting that you don't have the energy to deal with her emotional issues and you have your own. I understand the strong urge to make the alcoholic parent happy. For me I recently released that was my childhood wish. If mother werw just taken care of she would be happy and then id be loved. Of course years of adulthood obscured that script butI think somewhere it still played clashing violently with the (ab) nnormal desire to grow as my own human being. as the saying goes, one can not serve two masters. Alanon principles and tools helped me figure out which was the one that best served my life purpose. I miss my mother too. Every day. But I also am at peace with deciding to no longer be her saviour or emotional whipping girl or sidekick. And I can love her knowing alcoholism is a family disease and shes sick whether drinking or not and in some way that helps me to help myself, not take it personally. Keep coming back. Lots of compassionate calm thoughts your way.
