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Hello out there in Alanon world. Here is my story....
My oldest brother is drinking himself to death. He has been a heavy drinker/alcoholic for the better part of 45 years. Obviously, as this is a progressive disease, he hasn't always been in the condition he is now. But about a year ago, he was diagnosed with a bad liver. At that time, he was told that he would need a transplant to save him. But because he was actively drinking, he wouldn't even be considered unless he had a year of sobriety. He continued to drink round the clock. We would go round and round about whether he would go to treatment, but he always had an excuse and then would just plain refuse.
Last summer, he collapsed at home and had to be taken to the hospital. I had not seen him for a few months. When I saw him in the hospital, he was very ill and also very jaundiced. Yellow eyes, yellow skin. He spent 3 week in the hospital...one of them in intensive care...detoxing from alcohol. He also spent 3 weeks in a transitional care facility. Went home, sober for awhile...only he knows really how long...but perhaps 3 months or so. Started drinking again, drank for about 6 weeks, back in the hospital, this time for about 3 weeks, then to another transitional care facility for 10 days. Back home, drinking within two days, back in the hspital two weeks later, in the hospital for another 5 days, back home, drinking the night he got back. He's been drinking now for about 6 days.
I am really at my wits end with all of this. It's not that I don't understand his disease. I do. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. I have been sober for 6 years. I SO get his disease. But how to deal with him? Now, there's a challenge. I am probably the only one in my entire family that has practiced (or tried to) some love and tolerance for him. But that is really waning. I am not trying to say that I am better than he is, because I am not, but I can say that I was more willing to do what it takes to get sober. I wasn't successful for awhile, but eventually, it happened, and I am SO GRATEFUL for that. But I am at a loss as to what to say to him anymore. All he has ever done his whole life is argue with people. You simply cannot talk to him. And throw in not only alcohol, but some brain damage he has incurred because of it, and it's just so pointless. One day he will argue point A, the next he will argue the opposite, and then the next day it will be back to point A. You just cannot rationally discuss anything with him. Now he is talking going to treatment...something he's been saying for a year now. But, honestly, I don't see that it's going to change anything for him. I really don't. He hates everything about AA. He went for 12 years without being sober a single day. 12 years! He lied to everyone all the time about being sober. Except he didn't fool me. I knew he wasn't. I would talk to him on the phone and could tell he was drinking, and I could smell it on him at various times. I just don't even believe at this point that he's even teachable. He's too busy arguing how right he is about everything to even become teachable. I am so sick of it. He is thinking about plunging he and his wife into even further debt to go to what I call swank treatment....you know, $50,000 a month, be where the rock stars go, etc. It's all such b.s. He doesn't want to quit. Personally, I think it's ridiculous. i don't believe for even one second that it would accomplish anything at this point other than dry him out for 30 days. As sure as I'm sitting here I know that he will be back at it when he gets out.
I am really trying to be supportive of him, but I am really weary of it. I'm not angry with him, I do feel compassion for his suffering, but I am just so weary. And I have gotten to a place where I think if he wants to keep drinking, knowing that he is going to die from it, then so be it. Bottoms up. At the same time, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Like maybe there's some magical thing I can say to snap him out of his delusional thinking. But I also know that I can't. It's just a myriad of feelings and thoughts for me all the time. I keep asking myself what is more compassionate.....to endorse this crazy, expensive pipe dream, or to endorse him to just ride it out to the end? Because I can't stress enough that this man is not teachable. He will occupy a spot in that treatment center, maybe even play the game, reel everyone in, be the treatment leader, the big shot, etc., and he will go back home and to the bottle. Maybe even have one waiting. I've seen it so many times. He waxes nostalgic about alcohol when he's in the hospital....he still sees it as something not that bad. Even as he is facing sure death from it. When I was trying to get sober, even though I would still drink, I was desperate to not. I was never happy when I was doing it, and I was destroyed emotionally every time I failed. He's not like that. He enjoys his alcohol. It's his comfort, his friend, his lover. It's all he really enjoys, to be honest.
I made the decision yesterday...after another two hour conversation on the phone with him, that I am just done with it. I am no longer going to even discuss treatment or AA or stopping drinking with him. I just don't want to do it. And part of me doesn't even want him to go to treatment, because it just feels like it is putting off the inevitable. I'm not saying I want him to die. But I guess I have just accepted that this is where he's headed. Am I crazy to feel this way? Have any of you felt this way? I honestly am just preparing myself for what I believe is the eventual outcome....that he is going to die. But if it means that he no longer has to suffer, is that so bad? Because despite his love of his bottle, I know that he is suffering. And if he cannot and will not embrace sobriety, then for God's sakes, let him just be done with it. Can anyone else relate to this?
Welcome Wiggity, Congrats. on your own sobriety. You are not alone--I have experienced the same painful denial/hospitalizations incidents with my son 9 years ago. Having been in alanon for a few years, I knew that I was powerless over people places and things but since I loved him to pieces I I kept trying (unsuccessfully) to find the right words to reach him.. I finally could no longer handle the 2 hour conversations, or middle of the night calls. I took my phone off the hook and told him when he decided to reach out for help he could call his AA sponsor, and that I would continue to pray for him. I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Learning how to live in acceptance of life on life's terms , keep the focus on yourself, live one day at a time, trusting HP was the only way I walked through that very painful time.
I did continue to love him and stay with him at the end and am grateful that I could. Thank you alanon
Welcome to MIP Wiggity - so glad you found us and glad you shared. Your post is written with so much awareness of the disease and how it affects one with it. I too am sober through the 12 Steps and came to Al-Anon from the other side because of qualifiers I love and wish would/could get sober.
One of the first things I learned is I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I was able to come to the other side, embrace the program, steps and tools and get/stay sober. However, what I think, feel and know about this disease unfortunately doesn't give me more power to lead another or more knowledge to help another. It just gives me that same feeling you have - I got it, why can't you?
I believe you would benefit greatly from Al-Anon. If possible, suggest it to his wife as well. What we learn is that we are powerless over the alcoholic and our efforts to manage, help, control, etc. the qualifier leave us depleted, a bit crazy and full of negativity. Al-Anon will provide you with a fellowship of like-minded folks who have similar experiences and whom can relate to what you feel, think, face, etc.
So very sorry for your brother and his condition. I'll add you all to my prayers and am sending you positive thoughts!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Wiggity. My brother died from this, too. With the help of AlAnon I was able to move past crippling anger toward acceptance. I was able to love him while he was dying and since. Through the sadness because clearly neither of us wanted his end, we were able to say the things we needed: I love you! It was a miracle for me.
((In support))
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate what you and others on here have to say. I, too, wish that my brother could "get" recovery. I have tried so hard to reason with him over the last year, but it has been of absolutely no....and I mean zero....use. I know that all I can do is take care of myself and treat him with as much compassion as I can muster...despite his craziness, and there's plenty of that.
I have tried to talk his wife and step-daughter into attending Al-Anon, but it has also been of no use. She sees his alcoholim as HIS problem and none of hers, so why should she seek any help? When he has spoken of treatment, she has flat our refused to go to any sort of family week. Though I do not blame her whatsoever for his alcoholism, I do have to say that she does not seem to do much to foster an environment of support, though. Still....when we want to recover, we can do it anywhere amid any circumstances, right? Perhaps she would come around a bit if she saw any sort of progress on his part. I don't know. But I really try to practice staying out of their stuff. They do like to pull people in the middle of their dramas at times, and I'm not having that. Detach, detach, detach.
A woman I work with goes to an Al-Anon group she said is fantastic. I may go. Not sure if I will go to the one she does, because I really try to keep my professional life and my program separate. But there are some meetings around me, and I'm going to look into them. Thank you!
Gosh, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I so get what you have to say. I really am not angry so much as just frustrated with mine. I know it's pointless to be angry with him. He's sick. But I still can get pretty frustrated. Did you ever find yourself thinking some of the thoughts I have had like if he's going to do it, then just do it already? I feel so bad when I think things like this because it would appear I am wishing him dead. No...I don't want him to die. But I also don't want to watch this long drawn out suicide, either. More than anything, I just wish he could find recovery. But my gut tells me that he IS one of the hopeless ones, and therefore, wouldn't it be better for him if he just did it already. Even saying that feels bad to me. When I think it, I just have to tell myself to just let it go. Let him go. I remain kind to him, but I have lost much hope.
Aloha Sweet Wiggity and from Hawaii welcome to the family. Your story is the before story for me as I was there and did that myself. Before Al-Anon I tried to "force" dryness on my alcoholic/addict wife and alcoholic family until I got into the program and started listening to the ESH from those who came before me. I learned the 3 C...(didn't cause it, couldn't control it and would not ever cure it). I listened to what they did and didn't do and marked their successes and became determined (out of my mind) that I would learn and then duplicate what they were doing. I became a "mini me" to so many members and to my sponsor and life began to change for me though she and they continued to drink and use and have chaotic consequences as all here have mentioned....we were not spared the dynamic drama of the disease though we learned how not to react and to let go and let God and love the sick person unconditionally. One of the great miracles I learned in and from the program was from giving it away to others and then watching them change also...yes the miracle of unconditional love and empathy and compassion. I practiced my sponsorship without telling anything about it and for those who wanted sobriety we saw changes...miracles. You have time in sobriety so obviously know what it is like and how you got there...you can share your story with him as you have with others with out the intent of fixing him or getting him sober...just passing on the program as you understand it and then turning away and letting him consider and then do with it as he wants...this works when you work it and that's a fact.
Give your brother a glimpse of your journey and then let him consider your journey. Don't sponsor him...just turn on the light. (((((Hugs))))) Keep coming back .....prayers
Thank you for your response. I really don't try to sponsor him. At all. And even if I wanted to, he wouldn't listen anyway. Most of the time, all I really do is just sit and listen while he drones on and on about it all. I gave up trying to talk any kind of sense into him. He doesn't listen and isn't interested. I also don't share anything about my own recovery because he really isn't interested in any of that, either. Honestly, he really isn't much interested in anything anyone has to say about anything. Mostly all I do is listen to his insanity and go about my business....on speaker phone. Not that I haven't tried to do so in the past. But he is the king of all knowledge...a legend in his own mind. Talking to him about pretty much anything is an exercise in futility. He's always been like that....long before the drink really owned him. He's always been grandiose, argumentative, difficult. Alcohol just intensifies it. I just remain grateful to not be in his shoes and I used to have hope for him, but that has fallen away, bit by bit. I don't resent him. I am not angry with him. I just mostly feel sorry for him. It's a true shame.
