The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realize that I'm the only one who can know what decision is right for me, but I would just like some outside thoughts on my situation. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night but didn't feel like talking at the time. I've been talking extensively with my friends and family that have experience with alcoholism in their family. I'm a 25 year old heterosexual female.
I started dating my boyfriend about 6 months ago. From the start, he mentioned that a year ago, he had gotten a DUI, and a month later, an assault charge from a group bar fight. We met through a rugby event- I played in college and he still does- so the assault thing did not trouble me, but the DUI was concerning. I decided to roll with and feel it out. In the months that followed, it appeared to me that he was handling those past issues with responsibility and humility. We drank, but never got drunk together. We talked about meetings with his probation officer and his work as a craft brewer, which in my state is a very trendy field.
Fast forward six months. We've been having a great time together. I'm in my first year of grad school and I feel very balanced and supported with and by him. The physical aspects are fantastic in their own way. I really enjoy talking to him about everything in our lives. For months now we have been vocalizing that we love each other. Aside from one failed drug test (trace marijuana, which he claimed to not know what happened because he hadn't smoked in months), his probation has been going well and it is suggested that he could get off early. In fact, about 1.5 months ago, he stated that he wanted to stop drinking entirely so that it would be more likely to happen, though his conditions state that he is allowed to drink moderately.
One day in a busy week, after two days of not calling me back, he calls me and tells me that he got fired from his job for getting drunk at work...with another brewer who was heavily disliked by other staff. Their supervisor decided to fire both on the spot. Since then, I've tried to observe and listen, while expressing my confusion and disappointment. We hung out four nights later; he arrived looking and sounded messed up (he has a breathalyzer on his car so he couldn't have driven to my place drunk). He wanted to go out to a bar to talk so we did (we've never gone out just to drink), and he ordered two beers while we both cried and talked. He got really bad hiccups that lasted at least four hours afterward. While we were sleeping, it got so bad that he went to sleep on the couch for a few hours, and came back later. After he left the next mornings, I noticed beer bottles from my fridge in the trash. There is beer in my fridge, but neither me or my roommate ever drinks it...so it was him, and it had happened during the night.
It's been 5 days since then. I'm incredibly stressed out from work and my classes on top of this situation. I realize that I am fortunate in that it's early on in the relationship, we don't live together, and we don't have kids together. When it comes to guys, I am the type of girl that is only with someone if I really want to be; I am naturally independent and I am not at all afraid of being alone. So when I consider my instinctual reaction to jump ship from this relationship, I question if that is what I really should do. Am I allowed to feel that personally threatened by this one slip, which had a big consequence for him? He's looking for other jobs (outside of brewing) and looking at more therapy options (other than what he was already mandated to do). Because he already had supports and consequences in place when he slipped up and got drunk at work...that scares me and makes me think that change will not come swiftly. Also, when we talked the previous night, he mentioned he would stop drinking...for me. If I supported him. I reacted by saying that he could change only if he wanted it for himself. So I'm thinking that I do not want to be romantically involved at this point, and am considering how to tell him that while expressing that I still want to be his friend and support him through this recovery. It's painful to say because he was honestly so amazing...up until this point.
Welcome to the forum cc123! It sounds like you have a great concept of the situation and are thinking rationally and fairly. I'm new to this forum and am sure you'll get some excellent replies. I'd say there are some red flags that you are wise not to ignore. You are absolutely allowed to feel threatened/concerned about this major issue. Plus, with a former DUI, I'd argue that it's not just one slip. You're in a great position to make a call, in that you're independent, have your own place and have your own life ambitions. I'm glad you're seeking out face to face meetings as well :)
Aloha CC and welcome to the board...we are cautioned in Al-Anon not to give advise will sharing only our experiences strength and hope. Why don't we give advise? We just don't. You sound mature as like you are in a relationship with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue I learned...they are not bad people they are sick people with a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. The disease cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence and the alcoholic has but 3 choices...sobriety, insanity and/or death. I read the signs in your share...the insanity; making promises and continuing to have negative consequences ongoing more severe than at first. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it always gets worse never better. It affects everyone it comes into contact with and therefore you're here reaching out.
My suggestion is find out as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism as we have. Do you have life experiences with it along with what you are going thru now. Many of us here have long experiences with the disease and those addicted to it. I was born and raised in the disease and had many partner relationships with those affected by it additionally I am also a recovering alcoholic. This is not unusual. I new nothing about alcoholism or even how to spell it when I first got into the program. I eventually went to college to learn about alcoholism and substance abuse so that I would be more soundly aware. I married the women I drank with...what kind of future did that promise me?
I say you are awake to your situation and should continue to look at it with concern if you are deciding long term. Good to have your here...keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
My experience is that alcoholics and other addicts and substance abusers are very, very good at hiding what's going on (until it all comes spilling out). Deception and secrecy are part of the whole package. From the first year or two I was with my alcoholic ex-husband, I never would have guessed that he had a problem, or even that he drank much at all. When it all came to a crisis point, I realized that a lot of tiny little red flags had been there all along. But I hadn't had much experience with alcoholism or substance abuse. So I didn't pick up on them. And when something looked odd and he explained it away, I believed him.
From your account, what I pick up is that marijuana charge that he "had no idea" about. My experience is also that many addicts are serial abusers - they go from one substance to another, depending on what's convenient. Now many people would say that one experience of marijuana is no big deal, and it's even legal in some states. But first, your guy was prohibited from using it, because of his DUI. So that's one concern. Second, he said that he hadn't - he denied it - and if my alarm bells are correct, that would mean he's being deceptive. A second concern.
Then there's the whole cascade of events about being badly drunk at work, drinking more, drinking overnight at your house when you were asleep... A big downhill slide. Or maybe not so much a slide as hidden things finally coming out.
My A (alcoholic) promised to stop so many times. We'd have these long heartfelt talks and I'd feel all close to him and warm and happy. He'd have various plans. Most of the time he never even went into a formal program of recovery. Pretty much, alcoholism is so powerful that the A's need to work a formal program of recovery to get and stay sober. I imagine everyone on here has been promised that their A would stop drinking and didn't need a program. And then there is the inevitable relapse. Anyway, sometimes he did go to AA, and sometimes he stayed sober for a while. But then he'd stop going... I didn't realize how bad the statistics were for alcoholics. Of the people who start formal recovery programs, only 15-25% make it to longterm sobriety. My A was not one of them. It is 20 years later and he is still drinking.
But one thing to know is that you don't have to take a risk by deciding that he will stop drinking, "for you," and therefore you should stay with him. If he goes into recovery and stays sober for a good amount of time (1-2 years), then he will be much readier for a good relationship down the line. You can revisit the situation then, when it will be clearer whether he's one of that 15-25% or not. The fact that he says he'll stop "for you" suggests he doesn't have a lot of awareness yet. As you have noted, that's not a good reason, and you can't be the pillar of his sobriety. He needs to do it for himself if he's going to do it.
You mention your concern about whether it's fair to be cautious after this "one little slip." The way I see it, it's not one little slip. It's a series of slips - the marijuana, the drinking at work, the further drinking, the drinking overnight, the thought that now he'll stop "for you," as if the former plan to stop is no longer valid. And in my experience, for every drinking incident we find out about, there are several more they managed to keep hidden.
But are we justified in separating from someone with a drinking problem, even if it only shows up once or twice? Of course. Drinking brings insanity and turmoil, and we're under no obligation to expose ourselves to that even once. I imagine everyone on these boards wishes they had heeded the red flags so much earlier than we did. That's why we're here. The people for whom insanity and turmoil were an early deal-breaker - they don't need recovery from the turmoil, grief, and pain.
It may help to read through these boards further, and to find a local meeting to go to. The more we know, the better we can take care of ourselves. Take good care of yourself!
cc123 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that spirals out of control in a different way for each alcoholic. Their behavior is reasonably predictable, but not all act, feel, proceed the same way. This is one of a million reasons we don't give advice nor discuss our qualifiers in extensive detail. Al-Anon is about healing ourselves from the affects of the disease. We learn to focus on ourselves, put ourselves and our needs first and to detach with love from inappropriate behavior using the tools and boundaries.
Not all who lie, cheat, steal, crash cars are alcoholics, and the same is true in reverse - not all alcoholics lie, cheat, steal, etc. Each journey through the disease is unique as well as each journey through recovery. What is often the same by which we connect is our feelings, actions and reactions. Those common experiences shared with brainstorming better/different ways to cope, manage and deal are what makes recovery possible.
I met and married a man with 6 years of sobriety from AA after dating him for 2+ years. He was awesomely wonderful and a great partner. He relapsed 2 years later and never has returned to recovery. He is not a bad man, nor does he make my life miserable. He has not wrecked any cars, nor squandered away all our money. His disease instead makes him distant, disengaged, lazy and apathetic about everything and everyone. He can get mean, nasty, abusive, but as I worked this program, I realized many of these actions/reactions occurred when I pushed and expected him to act the way I wanted/needed him to. Once I changed my behavior/expectations, his changed as well. Once I stayed on my side of the street and managed my own life instead of trying to manage 'our life', it got way, way better.
Is he a perfect partner? Nope. Could it be better? Yep. Would others enjoy living in my shoes? Don't care - it's my journey. So, when I read posts that talk about how the alcoholic acts, behaves, etc., it reminds me that's not what we're about....We are about how we live, improve, recovery and find peace and serenity - no matter what they are or are not doing. Finding local F2F (Face to Face) meetings will provide you with a support group like no other - it saved my life in many ways. Learning more about the disease and how it may progress is very helpful too.
We can not every assume that all alcoholics will continue to drink and every behavior will get worse. We can not assume that recovery and abstinence will make all alcoholics behave better, do better and 'be all that we want them to be.' We also can't assume or expect to understand anyone else, alcoholic or not. We can only learn to love ourselves enough to chose our path that leads us to peace and joy.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
