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Hello all...Itās been a while since Iāve posted as Iāve been riding out the current storm that Iām currently in and just trying to take in all of the ESH on the boards to get through this.Ā Iām having trouble in my spirit with carrying out a decision that I made to file for legal separation from my AH.Ā I made the decision about 4 wks ago because Iām fed up with the BS.Ā Iām fed up with the deliberate lack of accountability heās had to me and my girls and am enraged by his deliberate refusal to get back out there and get a job to provide for his family.Ā
Initially at the height of our crisis (4wks ago) when our issues were at itās worst, he was a complete a**hole inflicting all kinds of emotional strain on me and our girls at home. He had just been fired from his 3rd job in 4 mos and was behaving incredibly horrible.Ā Now 4 wks later (and what I believe to be confrontation by his parents) heās completely changed his tune and is all but on all fourās wanting to make it work now that he knows I intend to file for separationā¦wanting to be touchy feely, etc.Ā I just tell him no, that he needs to own up to the pain he has causedā¦.I told him this is not ākiss and make up worthy at allā.Ā He seems to be avoiding the topic of the impending legal proceedings telling me his grand plans to get a job and get back to āhimselfā and telling me about all of the job interviews heās got lined upā¦even went as far as to state heās planning on taking an over the road job stating that if he isnāt around as much maybe things between us will get better...etc. etcā¦.heās just all over the place, throwing all kinds of spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.
Anyway, my dilemma is that although I havenāt changed my mind that filing for separation is the right thing to do, Iām not able to go thru with it just yet.Ā My heart and mind are in agreement, but something in my spirit is telling me to waitā¦to see what happens nextā¦not just yet.Ā I talk to God every day and have given the situation to himā¦(I think?..smh)ā¦.and trying my best to stay out of His way while also trying to stay out of the way of his disease by letting him suffer the consequences of his actionsā¦.I am not trying to force consequences as he has already had a number of āconsequencesā to deal with without my assistance (which kind of feels validating).Ā But it feels like if I just run headfirst into the courthouse with my papers (against what my gut is telling me to do at the moment) that I would be forcing consequences of the situation ā¦because even if I file today, the legal process still has to play out over the next several months and basically offers no immediate relief.Ā The only thing it does is secures my future financial/home environment later on down the road, which donāt get me wrongā¦. I do need.
I know they say if youāre troubled about a decision the best thing to do is not to make one at all for now, so I feel like Iām in emotional limbo over this and need to know if Iām overthinking (or better yet punking out!)Ā I feel like if I make a move right now in this moment, I might regret it, but if I wait too long I might regret it tooā¦just really need to know when itās really Godās will/timing and when itās my own
Hi Hopeful I do so understand. My sponsor advised me that HP does not speak "in code " That I should keep an open mind and continuing asking.
I must say that I did hear the "Still small voice within " and did not like what I heard ,so i pretended not to hear it. That voice became louder and louder until I had to own up and respond. Examining my motives helped a great deal in this process
I have found when I am doing HP"s will ,the path opens out pretty smoothly.
Aloha Hopeful good to have you trusting the boards ear and experiences. I've been there and one of the things I learned of many was that I would continue to have hardship making decisions if I didn't have more experience with trust and a better relationship with my HP. I would keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting.....I learned to expect the usual because I wasn't doing anything different with one of the reasons being fear of making a mistake. I realized I made tons of mistakes and was still walking around with more opportunities for change. I second guessed myself like I was being highly paid for it and did doubt in a daily routine. Working the program as suggested and with a sponsor and great fellowship gave me the courage to honor mistakes and celebrate the wins which came more and more often. Lots of mistakes were "near misses" and what I had to do was retry from a different angle. The miracle of recovery is long and wide, deep and tall and so well worth the effort and besides I built a relationship with my Higher Power that let me know when HP was holding the flashlight and asking me to follow it. This works when you work it...work it cause you're worth it...cliché I know and still true. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
There are so many reasons we may delay making decisions like this and it is so often hard to tell one from the other. In my own situation I had fear and self-doubt, I wanted to give him another chance just in case, I didn't know whether he could really turn himself around, but I didn't want to discount the possibility, and I was just plain sad.
Of course we on these boards can't know what's right for you. One thing to take into account is that he will be watching to see whether you follow through with your plans or whether (as he sees it) he is able to make you reconsider with all his new plans and promises. Something I didn't realize when I was going through this was that there is plenty of time - I thought I had to make a decision for all time right then, and that meant that I had to know whether he was going to get sober. He kept saying he would, and I kept trying to guess whether he meant it. (What actually happened was that I believe that he meant it at the time, but he didn't put in place the formal program of recovery that would have allowed him to follow through on it.) But we could have separated and if he had stayed sober and worked his program, it would have been clear down the line when he had some good solid recovery of a year or more under his belt. And then we could have re-explored our relationship from a healthier standpoint. Heck, people divorce and get remarried, even!
But anyway, my point was that I can see your A doing that thing they often do at this stage, which is frantically trying all the promises and plans to keep things the same and keep the consequences of drinking - in other words, you leaving - from playing out. And he's watching very carefully to see if any of this works. I don't know how many times my A made big promises and I wanted so hard to believe them, so I said, "Okay, I'll stay and you do those things you promised," but I fulfilled my part of the bargain and he didn't. And after the first time, he knew he didn't have to, because he knew I'd stay anyway. So we "teach" them things about what they can get away with.
Not to say that this means you should do this thing or the other thing. Just some more parts of the equation to fit into the big picture.
Thank you all so much for the ESH...helps put things in perspective as usual...sometimes just need to hear it from outside my own head for a change : )
