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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> connecting
Post Info TOPIC: connecting
Theoceancalls


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 322
Date:
connecting
Permalink  

Hi all. . Its been awhile and ive found myself thinking i need to connect and update and well, process. If you have "followed" me at all you know ive been married to an alc for 17 yrs and have one 11 year child. Ihave also come to realize that my stbex is also a narcissist and that the combination has taken quite a toll on me. In october i found out rather graphically he was having an affair with our"neighbir friend". .under my nose for at least 2+yrs. He had a previous affair 4+ yrs ago as well. After confronting him and letting him know i was done, i began sleeping on the floor of our home office, began working with a div mediator in late nov and moved out of my home two weeks before Christmas. Hardest thing i have EVER done but when you are done you are done. Icurrently live in a nearby town with a friend and her husband. I live in a spare room and have my daughter 50% of the time. We are still working with the div mediator with hopes to start divirce proceedings in february. Never wanted to be this woman. .A leaver. .Divorced. Sharing custody. But here i am. Most days im in survival mode. some say im strong and brave i feel weak and tired and VULNERABLE. I am coming to discover i lost myself years ago trying to hold it all together. I tried so hard tolove him "enough", try harder, overlook the lies and late nights, to"rise above and stand tall." yet today i find i struggle to get through the day without thinking, "what will he think if. .(i get a new car, take a vacation, dye my hair. . ". .i have found i havent thought for my SELF. In a long time. Ive been.surviving. I also know this is nit a win, its nit a victory. . Divorce is awful. Divorce from an alcholic with major depression and anger and a victim mentality is brutal. .Its sad, its hard, its painful . . I so tried to.love this man but am realizing it was never going to be enough. To this day he blames me. .I pushed him away, i judged him and couldnt/didnt side with him and he HAD to drink.and have affairs to fill the void I created. It breaks my heart tobe here and its hard to stay angry when your sad. . Yet i know i coukdnt stay. I have given.up everything. . My home, as it is no longer sacred, my claim to assets as i just dont care, some friends who haave decided divirce is a poor choice,



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Theoceancalls


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 322
Date:
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Sorry, i hit submitt before i was done. .Ive given up being with my daughter 100% of the time. My husb claims to.be attending church and Recovery mtgs and "turning things around". .who.kniws. .He does seem to be spending time with our daughter more than he ever did when we lived under one roof (which is hard to stomach btw. . . As he was typicaly out 3-4 nights per week) i struggle to stay angry i fear im apathetic. . I grieve what was and what was never. . I have grief i didnt kniw i had. . I feel sorry for him. I hate him. I love him. I dont really miss him though. . I dont know how to "be" here. I thank my sponsor in my prayers daily as there are times her words were all i coukd cling to. Im financially ok. I have supportive family and a few trusted friends. Im not sure how to keep coming here. .As i feel like "well, i broke free" however i know better. The devastation of tjis disease runs deep. I worry about my daughter. I worry about him. Im trying to.find me. My.live at the age of 44 feels like its starting over and im re learning all i thought i knew. Everyday brings new emotions. . Good. Bad and ugly. Strange, surreal and conflicting. I do my best to some days just "show up". .so far. . Ok.
Thank you for your words. Please guide me to know how to lean in here even if the alc is no longer my husband . . Even if hes "getting sober". .help me to know how to keep on keeping on

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks for the powerful update Theoceancalls. It certainly sounds as if you worked your program diligently in an attempt to love, understand and have compassion for your partner. I am sorry that you are in pain and saddened, at this time.This is indeed a difficult road that we travel.
In reading  I sense hat  you are now focusing on yourself and taking positive steps in your behalf. Love your signature and agree "When all else fails--- there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Keep on keeping on. In my thoughts and prayers.  Please keep coming back regardless of the fact that you are no longer with your partner.  It takes man years of recovery to shed all the negative  destructive actions we developed over the years of coping with the disease.  You are not alone.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
KathRN


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 39
Date:
Permalink  

I agree with everything that Betty said, Theoceancalls. It was very brave of you to share your story on here. Please let us be here for and support you. There is a saying that I love, that I will share, but I'm not sure who wrote it. It it "A problem is only a problem, if you choose to see it as a problem". Very powerful words, and difficult to believe, but in my opinion, true! Again, I agree with Betty, that it sounds as if you gave it your "all!" Keep up the good work, and maybe look at this as a new beginning, a new you! Possibly make a change, you've been wanting to make....a new hair style, a new hobby, join a new group, take a fun vacation? Just a suggestion, but you are not alone! Just keep that in mind!

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KathyRN

"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
milkwood


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you for connecting TOC, you've been in my thoughts these past few weeks so for me it is good to hear from you.

I remember when I couldn't feel vulnerable, that lasted for years and it wasn't healthy. When I found myself feeling anger and grief I tried to celebrate those feelings because they were normal human reactions and although uncomfortable they heralded the return of 'me' and I believed that other, more positive feelings would now be able to reach me as well.

It is good to hear you focusing on you and what you need and I am glad that for now you have kind friends to stay with. When you feel ready to get your own place I imagine you will start to get a sense of rebuilding and achieving. It is early days and yet I can hear such positive thoughts below the surface of your update and I can't help but feel a little excited about the thought of your new car, your (well earned) vacation, and, by the way, I met someone the other day who had dyed the left side of their haircut blond and the right side royal blue. She looked different, but very lovely!

I do hope that you will keep coming back - you've been mistreated and in my experience it takes time to recover from that. Lean into us whenever you want!

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milkwood


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:
Permalink  

PS You haven't given up on yourself TOC - that is worth celebrating, admiring, cherishing. I'm proud of you!


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Mirandac


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:
Permalink  

TOC sending you a warm hug.

You sound better just being away
From him.

Sending you courage and strength
To get thru all the upcoming legal
Proceedings.

((((((( TOC)))))))





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Yankeerose


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 214
Date:
Permalink  

I agree with MirandaC you do sound better! Hang in there and take things one day at a time. You are stronger than you think (((hugs)))

__________________

Rosanne 
Jozie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1558
Date:
Permalink  

(((TOC)))

I Too have been away for awhile so I Don't know your Story, just this Share but I have to Agree with the Others and Say, its sounds as tho you're Taking care of you :) Progress Not Perfection...

And what a List you have, So Be Gentle on yourself, Make those Meetings and New Adventures, Start Small, Give yourself 5 Smiles a Day... and Work your Way Up :D Your Worth it, and I too am Very Grateful you came here to Share Your Openly Honest Heart, MIP Truly is "Miracles in Progress" and Yours is well on the Way :) KEEP COMING BACK :)

Take what you like and Leave the Rest :)

Friends in Recovery

Jozie



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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
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