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I dont wish to continually post problems here, I am new and wish to move forward with step one... Came home from work to witness alcoholic daughter (nearly 20) needlessly bullying younger daughter in front of friends (again!) For the fist time I asked daughter and friends to leave: in the past I have tried to be the buffer and gloss it over however it occurred to me this was no longer acceptable behaviour from a person her age in our home...
What has followed is a barrage of abusive texts, basically saying I am an inadequate parent however I know in my heart as a mother I have done EVERTHING for this child on every level imaginable and still it's nowhere near good enough..
I feel at the total mercy of this child and it breaks my heart to hear her constant expletives and shouting in our family home.
Going forward I need a plan so I am not pushed over the edge and react in a spirit of anger and revenge myself..
The whole situation makes me feel like a nervous wreck, does anyone else have experience with kids to share?
I don't have experience with this particular configuration of alcoholic insanity, but I do know from long experience that when we first make changes and set boundaries, the alcoholic goes on a huge "Change back!" campaign. They want to see if they can undo our changes and get their way again. So they make our lives as unpleasant as they know how.
I also know from experience that if we wait it out, take care of ourselves, refuse to be drawn into arguments, and hold firm to our boundaries, after a time the alcoholic gets used to them (maybe with a little griping and eye-rolling), and the barrage lessens. When they figure out that we mean it and we won't budge, they turn their attention elsewhere.
It is so hard not to react and not to feel upset at their blaming and reactions. That's where we pull out the tools of Al-Anon and work our program hard and get support and take care of ourselves.
It sounds like you are growing and getting great awareness already - you saw what was going on and you protected your younger daughter. That is great going. Things get better and better as we use our tools and keep the insanity at bay. Go you!
Hi Pearlgirl, yes it's very hard to hear these things from our own children. I've been there. It's the Alcohol talking and not the true person inside. I've been on both sides of this insanity. Sounds like your daughter has a lot of anger built up inside and it comes out when drinking. You're the closest target and the one confronting her, so you get it full throttle. Remember, in any relationship, what people say and do is more about them then it is about you. Don't take it personally.
Participating in Alanon and taking care of you, the only person you have control over is key. Setting limits and boundaries are good things to work on. Pausing before reacting and not showing up to every fight you're invited to helps also.
In my case, my daughter blew through all the limits,boundaries and became verbally abusive. Unacceptable behavior is Unacceptable. For my peace and serenity I threw her out of the house. That was 1 year ago. She was 17 1/2 at the time. She was pissed and barely spoke to me for awhile. I stayed true to God, myself and The Program. Today, she calls me often to go over things in her life and to seek advise on handling life. She visits often and sometimes stays the night. She calls me her best friend. Not my words, but hers.
This I believe is the Grace of God and the 12 Step Program in action.
Hey Pearlgirl - so sorry for the circumstances and the 'greeting' you got when you arrived home. 2 of my qualifiers are my children, both boys. The disease and the perpetual pull of it made them mean, snarky, selfish, self-centered humans that were foreign to me often....
It took me a while to get healthy and strong enough to set logical protective loving boundaries....I have a great sponsor who guided me through setting those that I was able to hold firm with and not waffle. My boys were juveniles for a part of their disease, and one of my first boundaries had to do with cell phones - If I was paying the bill, they could not use their phones to plan or score illegal substances. I also set a boundary that whether they liked me or not, whether they agreed with me or not, they could not use their phones as a tool for bullying, antagonizing and/or disrespecting me.
I turned service off for them more times than I care to count, and each time they had to earn it back. When they turned 18, they were required to get and pay for their own cell service as well as their own car insurance, gas, etc. I did everything possible to separate them from us/assets to minimize my liability, because they were wrapped up in illegal/immoral activities.
I sat them down when I thought they were sober, and just stated I things. I am making some changes for MY peace of mind and sanity. And, I spelled them out. I did tell them that I loved them, raised them as best I knew how and should not have allowed the unacceptable behavior for as long as I had. So, I owned my part, and did the best I could to share my boundaries in a calm manner with I statements.
They are both now out on their own as they could not adapt to our house rules. They assumed that as 'adults' no longer here, they could call and give me a piece of their minds at will. So, I had to shift my boundaries, and share that if I was uncomfortable with their tone, words, etc. at any time, I would end the call. I have hung up on both of them more times than I can count and also have blocked them at times from my mobile.
As I grew to love me, more and more became less acceptable to me. It's taken years, but they now understand that if they call me or see me, I expect respect. I deserve and will settle for nothing less. I often have to ask myself what is wrong with me that I would allow the torment, and bullying from them as I would never tolerate it from another adult......it is because I have allowed it in the name of peace that it's become their pattern of choice.
It took time to teach my qualifiers how to treat me. Basic dignity and respect that 'normal people' use had to be taught as I had let many things slip for so long. I love JADE as a tool - Don't Justify, Don't Argue, Don't Defend and Don't Explain....it gives me a pass for engaging and also gives me a punch of mental peace and pride when I chose to deploy this vs. my former patterns.
Many (((Hugs))) to you - the answers and boundaries and peace will come - just keep doing the next right thing and your strength and wisdom combined with your HP will guide you through.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Heartfelt thanks for experience, strength and hope that has been shared.. Has given me comfort and a way forward, and lessened the grip of hopelessness.
