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Hey everyone! So I'm looking into face to face meetings and am a bit nervous. I will have to keep it secret from my spouse, which I don't love but it is what it is. He's attended AA about 7 years ago and absolutely couldn't stand it. So, to go to my own meetings will be a challenge but I think I found some early morning ones that will work. Also, I'm in a very small community and I fear I'll run into someone I know. Esp considering I have to keep my attendance on the down low. Any tips or words of advice? Thank you ahead of time :)
Hey there MollyOwl27 - great photo BTW!!! You look lovely!!
I understand your nerves and did want to share that AA means Alcohlics ANONYMOUS. There's a saying, "Who You See Here, What You Hear Here, When You Leave Here, Let it Stay Here."
The premise is we don't share who, what, when, where, why, how and Al-Anon practices everything similar that AA created. So, your meetings will follow that same tradition/principle as all the rest. Nobody there should ever share beyond that meeting that they saw you, know you, etc.
In my world, we hold this close to the vest and follow it and all traditions as closely as we know how to. My hope is that you find your meeting(s) wonderful and feel comfort at first entry to the room!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had similar concerns when I started attending meetings. The promise of anonymity within the rooms is such a comfort. Even in the smallest towns (like where I grew up and everyone knows everyone), anonymity is maintained and the meetings are a safe place to be and source of comfort and strength.
For several meetings (many) I sat and just listened. It helped then and it helps me now! My now exAH was also anti AA and not very welcoming to the idea of me going to meetings. Like you, I did not like being dishonest but at the time I did what I had to do and what I had to do then was avoid an argument that would keep me from going to a meeting.
Glad you are here and hope you get yourself to a f2f soon. Welcome!
Hi Molly!
I think it's a great idea to not divulge too much about meetings to your spouse if you think he will be resistant. It might not be necessary to make it entirely cloak and dagger? I simply told my partner that I had joined a "ladies group" (sorry guys lol) to help me with my "confidence", and I even told him it was to "help me worry less about your business and more about building my own life" which he thought was a wonderful idea. By the time he figured out that it was al-anon he was enjoying the changes in me and the lack of arguments at home and actually actively encouraged me to keep going which was a shock! But you know your situation better than anyone
Congratulations on deciding to attend anyway. We all start out with the fear that we will run into someone we know at a meeting until we realise, wait a minute....they are here too.....so where's the shame in it? And people take confidentiality seriously. In my old home group we lived in a very small town and at the first meeting I was told that if any member saw me in the local store or around town that they would likely not acknowledge me and not to be offended as we do it this way to carefully protect the anonimity of some of our members for whom it was necessary.
We do suggest trying six different meetings before deciding whether to continue as one or 2 may not suit you and it takes a little while to get used to the content and process. Best of luck and i hope you'll let us know how it goes!!
Hugs!!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Go for YOU, not him, i would not even
Worry. I just sat and listened for a long
Time, you do not need to say a word till
You are ready. Just say pass, most
Newcomers Dont speak when its their
spouse in my opinion. It took me until
He moved out to Start opening up.
If its their child they can spout it All Out
When its your intimate partner It is in there
so crazy deep with all kinds of feelings
and emotions. I kept stuffing and stuffing
Until i was on rock bottom was not sure of
My reality anymore.
Baby steps, sending you strength and
Courage to begin your recovery journey.
It takes awhile to get it and absorb the
Wisdom.
I never had any problems with seeing
someone they are there for a reason too
Also it autonomous.
Iamhere - Thanks so much for the kind words and support! I'm relieved to hear that the anonymity is respected and that I shouldn't worry so much
Mary - Glad to hear I'm not the only one and I appreciate your perspective and story. I figure that whatever gets me going will ultimately be positive and yes, I am not up for another argument....too exhausted as it is! I also like that I can simply listen, that sounds about perfect for now.
Missmeliss - Great advice, I think that once I find the right meeting I'll likely do something similar to what you did. And who knows, maybe he will one day be open to the idea of me going but I'm not willing to risk making it a source of argument. And YES, I'd thought about how silly it is that I'm nervous about running into someone..we're all in the same boat. Plus, it's not something to be ashamed of but I do tend to get easily shamed and take on a lot of blame.
Mirandac - Thanks for bringing it back to me, super important. That's basically why I'm ok with attending without notifying him, this is about my own healing and recovery. Thank you for your support and advice :)
Mollyowl27, I'm so glad that you're going to a f2f. I, myself, have not been to one yet, but plan on attending in the near future. For my situation, online is best for me at this point. I'm new Alanon altogether, and just ordered some books off of Amazon, for myself and my teenage grandsons. I figure that I'll just let them know they are here, if they need them. We all have to do, what is best for OURSELVES, although sometimes it's not what we're accustomed to. I'm happy that you've made yourself a priority. 🙃
__________________
KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
Mollyowl27, For the first 9 months I just sat and listened to shares of others in F2F meetings. I learned so much by just listening. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth that I would spout out all the things that had happened to me (Victimhood). I was so angry so I just sat and listened. After about a month of meetings, sometimes going every day, I started writing down things that others said that made sense to me. When I got home I would reread what had related to my life. There is a wealth of recovery in these F2F meetings as well as the recovery on this site. Go as often as you can to as many meetings as you can. I was told early on that the more meetings you go to the quicker you can heal... I live in an area that has plenty of meetings day and night.
Welcome Molly, keep coming back..
After I got up the nerve to attend my first meeting, I realized that the anonymity is a really great thing. Does anonymity ever get broken? Yes, the system isn't perfect, and human frailties still enter into the equation. But somewhat similar to the Ben Franklin saying that if we don't hang together we will all hang separately, most everyone at a meeting has a stake in anonymity for one reason or another, so it is a really big deal to us.
AA and alanoners are inter connected thru
Spouses or partners, i had a pretty good idea
Of the whoms from watching my ex, so its not
a 100 %, we cross over in meetings too. There
Are also many double winners. Recovery is a
small World in many ways.
You probably have a good idea when your ah
Went to AA. I have not had any problems at
Alanon, i also live in a small area.
I am currently having a problem at divorce
care a girl that comes now goes to aa and she
knows my ex and his gf so i stopped Going. I do
not Trust her, Sometimes these things can happen
then You have a choice how To handle it.
Hi Molly
I just thought I would weigh in as well with the reassurance. I live in a big city but I go to a meeting in my neighbourhood (which is actually a smaller community within the big city). Although I did not know anyone in the group personally I started running into people in the neighbourhood immediately. No one ever came up to me when I was with my AH or my daughter. And I granted them the same courtesy.
I am glad you are planning to go to your meeting. Al Anon is such a welcoming environment. I never regretted going to a meeting ever. Even if you aren't comfortable telling your AH you are going to a meeting I am so glad you are going anyway. I waited until I got the courage to tell him I was going to go. Maybe if I had done what you did I would have received the help sooner.
This board is great the people here are amazing and I find it is a great add on to my face to face meetings.
I hope your meeting goes well. It took me a trying out a few different meetings until I found the right fit.
All the best and welcome to the board.
I remember feeling nervous before I decided to go to a meeting. I looked it up, planned to go, then . . . I found an excuse and didn't go. I was scared.
It was almost a year later when I found a friend who attended meetings, and she offered to drive me that I finally went.
I look back and in some ways wish I had been braver, wish I had the strength back then to get myself to a meeting. But I also just wasn't ready, I had more to learn. And evrything that happened got me here, I wound up in al-anon ready to learn and grow.
I do remember my first meeting and it took me being in a crisis to finally make it to one. I have to say it has been a god send to be able to go to the meeting and I have met some wonderful people. I didn't speak for the first couple of months but once I felt comfortable I was able to share and to cry. I love my f-2-f meeting and this board is just such a great place to come to daily to check in and get my daily does of sanity. Best of luck to you.
KathRN- Thanks for your response and I hope those books are a great resource for you and your grandsons :)
Mirandac- Thanks for sharing your story, and that makes total sense. Certain overlaps make sense but some push your own limits and boundaries, and that's OK. Good to know!
pjwa- That sounds great, just showing up and listening and getting a feel for things. Our stories are all so helpful for eachother, great reminders that we aren't alone and that people understand what we go through.
KennyFenderJazz- Good to know, I figured there had to be slip ups once in a while but the rewards outweigh the risk at this point :)
KT2015- Good to know that people are respectful and low key in public, this is important for me and many others I'm sure.
Taraxacum- Yea, I guess we will go when we're ready or curious enough. Happy that you finally made it to a meeting and are getting the benefits.
Jazzie18- I can see how a crisis would launch me into attendance for sure. We're so lucky to have these resources and forms of support.
I usually only make eye contact with people when
I see them out and about. If we are both alone
And the other person is a friendly sort i might
chat other Wise no.
Some people are funny even if you are alone, i had
One lady give me a dirty look and she walked away.
She Was a long time member and life coach so lesson
learned By me. I only used her name and said hello.
I am glad you are here you sound like you are ready
To begin your ftf journey.
